Monday July 12 2010

1:34 p.m. I wake up to Jamil knocking on my door. The ladies are here to buy a camera from me.

House chores.

Art is confused on why I’m up so early.

I decide to treat myself to Sonic for breakfast.

Sitting there in one of the stalls, feeling sick to my stomach. But I order an Egg and Cheese Burrito anyway, with an Orange Juice easy on the ice.

Sending texts to her, “congratulations. you’ve succeeded in making me feel the way you’ve felt before when I’ve hurt you. now I know what its like.” “ugh I feel so sick right now. I truly thought I could handle you with somebody else. im literally crying right now.”

The carhop comes back to check up on me. She’s pretty. “How’s everything going?” My sunglasses still on, I stare at her smile just for a second and lie to her by saying, “Everything’s fine. Thanks.” Watching her skate back inside – thinking to myself, I need to fall in love with somebody else.

My mind still dwelling on last night’s talks. It still hurts me. I haven’t felt this lovesick since high school. This was her way out – out of this and away from me. She found someone to distract her from my inconsistency. I really thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was a tin man without a heart and I only needed someone to oil me every once in a while. I can’t seem to shake my pain. Listening to a Tegan and Sara song…“I feel you in my bones…” It always reminded me of her. But listening to it in a new light. I remember thinking a long time ago when I first heard this song that I would use it later for nostalgia.

Stopping by Trader Joe’s and then going to a produce stand on Harper’s Road. Music. Music. Music. Misery loves company and the best kind of company is the music. That’s all I want to do is make music, play music, live music, and be music.

Drinking Honey Green Tea and skipping lunch.

Meeting a lady at Barnes N Noble to sell a food processor.

Stopping by the Goodwill Super Thrift Store.

Discovering through text that she had sex with him. My blood begins to boil. Just sitting in the driver’s seat in the parking lot with the door half open. So many feelings wanting to build up into a chaotic reaction.

But all I can do is text back, “wow. I can’t believe you did that. well…I guess now you’ve found your way out. hope it was good for you.” “I don’t know how you had it in you to have sex with another guy in this fragile time. I cannot see you. you are not allowed at my house.”

Somehow, Emily reads these texts and it sparks another issue regarding the things her and I talked about last night.

I arrive at the house. Everybody just came back from the beach or something. I walk straight inside and into my room. I need to talk to someone but Emily refuses because of her own frazzled state. My friend won’t even talk to me. I plop my head into my arms on the desk and start crying. Making it outside to the van, sitting there. Rocky listens to me as I vent and explain what’s going on. She’s a good listener.

Pressing on, meeting Chris at the storage unit to practice a new song. Kal shows up as Chris and I stand around by the cars. We get into a real heavy “guy talk” about all of our current female situations.

Back at home, eating a Grilled Cheese with Tomato.

She confesses she’s upset too and is crying and wants to talk. I can’t decide if I’m even capable of confronting her right now.

She comes over and I have her drive us to the church parking lot.

“This is the only place I feel safe right now.”

Sitting in her car and clearing the air. I don’t want to be here but I do. I refuse to look at her as if upon a slight glance I would melt or it would only elevate the intensity of my emotions.

http://www.divshare.com/download/11988375-14e

“Everyone can prepare for the apocalypse but when it actually happens everyone’s gonna fuckin freak out like it’s the same situation like you can prepare all you want for something but when that day comes when that moment comes and it hits you, all that preparation you can just kiss it goodbye because you weren’t ready.”

http://www.divshare.com/download/11988354-eaa

Back at home, making a grilled cheese for Margot. Lying on the couch with her still unsure but all I know is I feel a little bit better.

Art walks out for a minute and explains how magnetic gravity in space may cause headaches here on earth.

Eating a bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheats and a Plum.

Sharing affection…I’ve been missing…missing…missing.

She's in the bed, but we just sleep.

Sleep around 6:30 a.m.

Sunday July 11 2010

Chad comes into my room waking me up. He’s leaving for his 7-month deployment. I could only offer him a hand shake and mumble in a groggy sleep voice, “Alright man.” I’m gonna miss this guy.

DREAM: I walk into this big cafeteria room. I see a dozen or so of these structures attached to the ceiling where you can jump up and grab onto a bar and spin yourself around similar to something you would find in a park. I try one of the smaller ones but it doesn’t work for me. The ones built higher I can’t reach. All of a sudden, I realize I’m being locked up and held captive for some kind of science experiment. A big man starts chasing me around the room with a shot needle in his hand. The leader of the project is sitting on the floor teaching kids how to stretch or exercise. I run up to him, grab his face, and repeatedly yell, “YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME! YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME! YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME!” emphasizing different tones as I continue telling him. The other big man chasing me is watching nearby and being cautious in case I decide to harm the boss.

Waking up at 2:44 p.m.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Cream Cheese. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Ambrotious got outside. With Kyle and Elaina – we team up and chase after him in the street.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Work at China Wok.

Delivering an order on Curlew. A giant battered white house bordered with trees so no neighbors can see. There’s an interesting vibe to this place with its solitary gargoyle-esque statues grown into the ivy vines. The door of the house, a gothic style with a face sculpted into it along with some fingers and hands. Finally a guy comes to the door. He explains to me the face on the door was the wife of the artist that made the door as well as the hands being the artist’s. Then he shows me a sculpt of his hand on a stick he got when he was 7 years old. The process: one must place their hand in a bucket of ice for 5 minutes until complete numbness, then you dip the hand in a special hot wax creating an accurate shell.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein

Color practice at the unit.

Elliott gives me some guitar pedals to try out.

At home, playing Art and Roma in Unreal.

Dylan Gilbert and his band and a bunch of people come over.

At the storage unit testing out some pedals and writing songs.

Having stressful yet productive (I think) talks with Emily in the kitchen, then moving to our room. Rachel walks in and becomes a fly on the wall as we spat it out.

My thoughts are racing on many issues but only one of them sticks it’s ugly and raunchy head.

Going for a walk with Rachel around the neighborhood – venting.

Noticing the distinct colors everywhere and how the early morning light brings that out.

Okay. Okay. You’ve won your game. I’m affected. Yes, I’m suffering. Yes, I’m hurting because you’re with someone else. But really should I be? What am I really missing? Is it just a sexual withdrawal? Is it emotional? I really don’t know why or how to explain what I’m feeling. Yeah, I see you on my living room floor with him; in my own house you taunt me. But I haven’t given up yet. I can fight this and I can win. I usually have before anyway. Your psychosis is apparent by not just me, but many. I will use this as ammo to remind myself what I am not missing. But in the end, I will still miss – always missing something.

The cat escapes again and again. Still frazzled, the cat attacks Rachel’s ankle. She retreats to my bed and sleeps there.

Sleep around 7:30 a.m.

Saturday July 10 2010

Around 9:30 a.m. I hear Wesley and Emily making noise. Earplugs already in my ear. I put the pillow over my head and try to sleep.

My alarm goes off at 11 a.m.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Strawberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Chad and I meet Mark at his studio in Chesapeake to record bass for 6 Musicplayer songs.

Chad tells us stories of his survival training in California where he had to stay hidden and eat Sage plants for sustenance.

Eating Blueberries on the way to Jimmy John’s for lunch: Turkey Sub with Lettuce, Tomato, Alfalfa Sprouts, and Avocados. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea.

Taking a break – playing ping-pong – drinking Coffee with Milk and Sugar.

Leaving the studio – feeling accomplished that we finished tracking the bass – listening to this band from St. Louis called Say Panther.

I needed a hug so I asked Margot for one. She’s sitting on my lap in my room holding me like a mother, or rather a princess holding a swan. We had been on non-speaking terms for about a week now – something I was not necessarily opposed to. However, I can’t control my feelings at the moment – a basic kind of sadness. A week is not a very long time to be distant from someone but she’s been kind of talking with a guy from another state. When you’ve been in such a weird and unorthodox relationship as we have, there’s a lot of interesting scenarios and emotions you have to deal with.

Sitting there talking with her and expressing my thoughts.

Her: “You’re a strange boy.”

Me: “The strangest you’ll ever meet.”

Rocky is making her famous tacos, so everybody comes over for good times, good food, and Wayne’s World.

Playing Art in foosball – some multi-ball action.

Eating one of Rocky’s tacos, Thai Noodles, Spinach Salad, and Garlic Naan Bread.

Craigslist business.

Washing a ton of dishes and cleaning up.

Eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Washing a ton of towels and clothes.

Shower. More and more hair falls off my head whenever I wash it. Baldness is happening to me whether I like it or not.

Quick trip to the storage unit.

Sleep around 5:30 a.m.

Friday July 9 2010

DREAM: At a school. In the boys locker room searching for my locker so I can change clothes. It’s kind of a dark and eerie setting. A coach with a clipboard is telling the other guys where their lockers are. I ask him and he immediately tells me, “Section C 3”. I start looking but I’m having a hard time locating it. I even go to an area I had been before earlier that day. I end up in the back somewhere. Where a wall should be, instead there is just an entrance to the outside. Something happens and I’ve killed somebody. The whole school is aware but no one knows yet who did it. So far I’m safe but I know eventually they will get a description and then I will be in trouble. They have the whole school quarantined so nobody can leave. I’m still in the back near that entrance walking around with some kind of device pretending to be working with the detective crew. A slew of cops and faculty are crowding around the entrance outside near where the murder took place. All of a sudden they get distracted from something behind them. I decide to walk nonchalantly outside and around the corner. I follow up this hill. I’m stepping in lots of mud and rocks. A girl is following me. I think we’re friends. She’s really pretty – wearing a purple shirt or outfit. I’m teaching her how to fly and control her elevation without getting out of control.

3:33 p.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Strawberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Phone calls and business.

Practicing songs at the storage unit.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea.

More business.

Picking up Megan from her house. Haven’t really spoken with her in a while. She keeps reiterating to me how everybody loves her, “Everybody loves me!” I compare her with the personality of a puppy seeking out unbridled attention from anyone it can and relishing the whole feeling of it.

Musicplayer show at Winston’s Café with Menya, Lo.La, and Yo Soybean. Playing solo tonight. Satisfied with the performance. Yo Soybean plays their fast and catchy party-folk tunes including a djembe drum and a banjo. Everyone is dancing – high spirits. Eating Salmon, Broccoli, and Rice Pilaf and drinking a Bud Light. Then, Menya goes on with their own brand of hip-hop, which more closely resembles pop-hop. Standing back and observing the pretty faces and rhythmic bodies winding and twirling to the sexy beat and drum. Taking a break from the rumpus – sitting outside on the green bench smoking a Sampoerna watching two guys spinning different colored LED lights in circles around their bodies. Then, Lo.La plays and trips everybody out with noisy and melodic samples from the underground. I grab some drumsticks and bang on the tom – feeling entranced as I move to the rumble.

At home eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats. The three couch surfers show up, one American, one from Istanbul, and one from Berlin. Chad takes them to the beach.

Eating a Kiwi on the porch. Wesley and Emily are looking for Ambrotious because he got out earlier.

Referring to the fact that Wesley is spending the night in her bed in our room Emily tells me, “It’s not weird.”

Returning equipment to the storage unit.

Sleep around 5:45 a.m.

Thursday July 8 2010

At some ungodly hour in the morning, I hear something that sounds like a siren going off and at the end of the ringing I hear, “…take me hooooome!” Something heated is going on between my housemates in the room over from me. She keeps yelling at him, “Take me home! Take me home! Take me fucking home!” with a different tone in each phrase. She’s completely flipped and insisting that he take her home. They had some kind of argument that escalated into something hostile. He doesn’t know how to handle it. I’ve heard stuff like this before with them but this is the most intense I’ve observed. This situation isn’t too unfamiliar to me, as I have experienced the same female hostility before. It seems to have calmed down somewhat and I fall back to sleep.

DREAM: Nighttime. Running along the side of cornfields as bad guys in sleek cars drive by attempting to shoot me and some other people. One of them as he aims his gun at me runs into a corner just in time before he gets the chance to shoot. Later, my Dad is with me and we’re going through this abnormally large box of things that belonged to our ancestors or relatives. I’m sifting through everything – picking up a tomato from a big batch that looks more like persimmons. “These are bad.” I try to explain to my Dad that you should just trash these tomatoes because they’re no good.”

3 p.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Raspberry Preserves. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Trip to Alpha to get guitar strings. Elliott helps me pick out the best ones for me.

Putting new strings on my guitar at home. Chad is watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail in the living room.

Practice at the storage unit with Chad and Chris.

Musicplayer show at Sharx off 21^st Street with Mirlo. Chad’s last show with us before he leaves for 7 months. Feeling good about the performance. A few friends show up.

Playing cornhole for the first time.

Jamil brings Karina, a friend of his from work. She dances a lot.

Eating Pizza with Avocado and Tomatoes. Drinking PBR out of ice cold mugs.

Chad and I drop off the equipment to make room for people in the van and then, meet up at Elliott’s house.

With Eric, Shane, Natasha, Jamil, Elliott and his friend. Attempting to boogie board down the wet grassy hills of The Cavalier. An employee stops us early on and tells us we’re not allowed to be here. Elliott and his friend leave, then the rest of us go inside the old hotel. I want everyone to see the beauty of this place. Shane is impressed with the shade of blue painted on the walls. Two girls are trying to play “Heart and Soul” and “Fur Elise” on the piano. I hop on with them and play along. I receive a text from Eric: “The asshole manager is trying to find you. Watch out, he’s got a flashlight.” Sure enough the manager shows up with a flashlight shining straight ahead towards Jamil, Natasha, and I, even though the room is well lit. He explains to us we cannot be inside the hotel unless we have a room here. He uses the argument that if one of us gets hurt then we could sue the hotel. I try to reason with him as he escorts us out to the van that we’re just looking around and mean no harm to the place. He’s not making any sense as he compares this situation to the war in Iraq, “It’s like the war in Iraq, you see. They’re shootin at us but we can’t do anything about it because our fuckin government sucks.” I’m not sure where he’s going with this. This is the first time out of all the many visits to this place I’ve ever been told I can’t even look around. I’m sure if I was an older man, maybe in his 50’s or 60’s, and I wanted to look around, they wouldn’t have made any effort to tell me I can’t be there. But no! As far as they know, I’m just some ignorant and juvenile dude with a pair of beat up Vans slip-ons and all I represent to them is a potential liability case. This is obviously a disappointment but we leave anyway and continue on with the night.

Giving Natasha a ride to her place. Seeing some of her friends from last summer. Sipping on Green Tea using the tea leaves. She brought it here from Belarus. Brushing up on some Russian – she teaches me a little.

Back at home, recapping with Emily some of the interesting portions of our day. Telling me about some perspective she’s gained from an ex-boyfriend of hers and the life she’s begun here in Virginia Beach over the past year.

Eating a bowl of Black Beans and Rice.

Practicing songs at the storage unit for another Musicplayer show tomorrow.

Shower.

Sleep around 7:15 a.m.

Wednesday July 7 2010

CLACK! 7:40ish a.m. I wake up to the sound of something falling. I look over at the foot of my bed and the plant has fallen on the floor, dirt spilt into a basket nearby. The cat is on top of Emily’s dresser kneeling low with a sheepish look on his face.

Me: “What just happened?!”

Emily is lying in bed on her laptop. Trying to find out from her how this happened.

She replies, “ I don’t know. He’s a cat!”

Sarcastically yelling back, “Oh that explains everything!”

Plants and cats in the house. Only one will survive and it’s probably going to be the cat. Feeling a little peeved at her unwillingness to help clean it up.

She seems surprised, “Right now?!”

Back to sleep.

Near 11 a.m. Chad wakes me up to tell me Joni is here to collect rent money. “I’ll have it for you by 2.”

Back to sleep.

DREAM: Walking on a pier that spreads out across the ocean. At the end of it – standing on the edge. The waves in the water start billowing up. With a few others – we have to leave! Preston Hocker is standing there talking with someone on a boat oblivious to the water. I see a school bus floating in the water attached to the pier. Felix is sitting inside. Making a joke with him about falling in the water with all the stuff I’m carrying. And then I actually trip over and fall in. ☼☼☼☼☼ In Angel’s house. I walk into the room where Clement, his cousin sleeps which is also the bathroom. But the toilet hides underneath the house. You press a button, a compartment opens up and the toilet pops out. It’s dirty and there’s urine floating in it. Clement talks to me about how excited he is to move out of this room.

Me: “So you’re taking Angel’s room?”

Clement: “I don’t know yet.”

1:30 p.m. waking up to the alarm.

I run to the bank, and then meet Joni in her house next door to give her rent money. She’s in the middle of baking a casserole from an old family Italian recipe. She assures me I can have some the next time.

At the storage unit talking with Dale, the manager, about what happened to my van and showing her the shoe prints and other clues. I’m probably going to move into a new unit where there are cameras and climate control.

Meeting Jamie Cheek at Barnes N Noble to give him the t-shirts to print the musicplayer designs on.

At Alpha Music getting a cable tip fixed and buying some power adapters.

Standing with Wesley, Elliott, and Emily talking about the lack of band rehearsal spaces here in Hampton Roads and how there are so many bands here. Emily: “What do you mean? There are like four bands here and you guys are in all them.”

Back at home. Chad is on the couch watching Beetle Juice.

Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea.

At the storage unit rehearsing with Chad and Chris…recording scratch tracks.

At home, watching some of Buffalo 66’ and eating dinner: Lobster Ravioli with Spinach. Carrots. Garlic Naan Bread. Beer.

Unreal with Art and Roma.

Chad is watching Space Jam.

I go for a walk/run around the neighborhood.

Eating a bowl of Mini-Wheats with Strawberry Flavor.

Practicing songs at the storage unit.

Sleep around 5:45 a.m.

Tuesday July 6 2010

Emily wakes me up around 10 a.m. to tell me Virginia, our landlord, is here to do the inspection. It goes well for the most part. Out landlord is concerned about people living in the attic and unfortunately we have to pay a pet deposit.

Back to sleep.

DREAM: In Kristin’s bedroom, an old friend of mine, haven’t really spoken to in a long while. She sends me this facebook message with a lot of spaces in it. In it she explains that she is back in town, that she is attracted to me, and that I should watch out because she will come on to me. At the end of the message she uses the term, “deggy?” in which she means more like, ‘diggy?’ or ‘you dig?’ Then she is there in front of me. I’m holding her with my arms around her and my head on her stomach. I notice a few tattoos. All of a sudden, I’m in my house but we have a second kitchen near Kyle’s bedroom but there’s no running water in the sink. I think to myself, ‘why don’t we get this working so Kyle and Elaina can have their own kitchen?’

Waking up at 2:15 or so.

“From:Becca Joy

You would do well in prison. You would be a thinker. You would be george clooney in oceans 11.

CB:***-***-****

Jul 6,7:21 am"

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Strawberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Delivering a dresser set to a lady off Windsor Oaks.

Work at the ice cream shop.

Reading Adbusters Magazine and the newspaper.

Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea. Apricot.

I feel like in another life, maybe even in this life, we could be lovers.

Sitting on the cushioned stool watching the people walk by the door, feeling lethargic and with no desire to be sitting there. Even though I only work this job every Tuesday, the dread of routine does a number to me.

At home. Stretching and exercising.

Cooking dinner: Baked Tilapia. Rice. Steamed Vegetables. Garlic Naan Bread.

Chad shows up at the doorstep fresh off a flight from the west.

Playing Art and Roma in Unreal.

I go to the storage unit to practice some songs.

Walking to 7-11 to buy milk. A guy asks me about the bus schedule and if he can borrow 50 cents for bus fare.

Shower.

Skype chat with Verity.

Sleep around 6 a.m.

Monday July 5 2010

Shortly after 1:30 p.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Strawberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Craigslist business.

James Nee comes over to talk about the art show we’re planning here at the house.

Trying to convince Emily that it’s not okay for the cat to drink out of the toilet.

Using the Rug Doctor I rented from Big Lots to clean the carpet while James lies on the couch.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea. Apricot.

Returning the carpet-cleaning machine to Big Lots, then stopping by the Thrift Store next door. A nice old lady wearing a straw hat and a green flower attached to it asks me to help carry a shelf to her car. “Where’s your car, mam?” I can see blotches of sweat collected under her eyes as they strain to locate her car. “I think it’s over in the shade somewhere.”

I find a big monster truck tire on the street in my neighborhood. This will make for good seating on the porch.

Going to the storage unit to meet Chris for practice. Before he gets there I conduct some investigating of my own in regards to the break-in of my van last night. Some of the clues and discoveries: shoe prints on the fencing by the building, a big rock was dug out of the ground and, from the looks of it, thrown on top of the fence causing a dent on the pointy end. I take a walk around outside the perimeter of the facility and find a well-tracked trail with more shoe prints of the same kind in the sand. Along the trail I find some of my stuff on the ground including cough drops, bug spray, a tape measure, and brown paper bags from Trader Joes. Further down I find an old blue pick-up truck surrounded by more discarded items from another possible theft. Continuing on, the trail leads me to the backyard of the boarding house next door.

Some new theories on the motive of the robbers: they were searching for drugs or stashes of something, which would explain why they opened all the compartments. They were stupid enough to drop items in the line of sight from the storage unit and leave them on the path but smart enough to lock the doors when they left and do everything out of sight from the security cameras.

Picking up Becca from her work and meeting at Waffle House.

Me: “You’re like a receptacle for me on Mondays. We come here and I’m like bluaaaaahhh.”

Our waitress is talking with another customer about her kids being rowdy and without noticing she says, “…and the fit hit the shan!” rather than saying, ‘the shit hit the fan’.

Talking about the different roles people play in relationships – how when one person plays the inferior role, the other plays the superior role – or it’s just situational, so when one person flips out the other person senses the need to be calm.

Talking about stealing, “There’s something really wrong about that.”

“I feel like I’m being prepared for something big, like my house is going to burn down or something, or I’m going to lose everything I own or something.”

Eating a Buffalo Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Later, at Becca’s house drinking a glass of cold Milk and eating some Berger Cookies.

Talking with Doug over the phone and finalizing some Musicplayer designs for stickers and t-shirts.

Becca is going through a bag of old clothes.

Back at home, cleaning as much as I can for the inspection tomorrow.

Eating half of a Nutella Sandwich and an Apricot.

Sleep around 6 a.m.

Sunday July 4 2010

Sometime after 9 a.m. I’m half asleep and half awake while Emily is rummaging around in our room. I hear the cat scream in agony, from getting caught in the door. It’s such a startling sound. Ambrotious hardly ever meows, so when he makes a sound you know something is wrong.

DREAM: With a group of people for some kind of gathering in my old church. The motorcycle gang from the movie Mad Max shows up at the back door. I sense danger for myself and the others. I run inside just as the gang is about to confront me. Warning the others we need to move towards the front of the church and hide. Crawling through the baptismal and into the sanctuary, the others following behind me. There’s new mahogany structures on the stage – concerned about damaging things and being extra cautious because we’re not supposed to be in here. I make it to the hallway where the offices are. I see one of the gang members in the sanctuary looking for me. I get to the foyer area and dart straight out the door. It’s nighttime. I run around the corner to the parking lot and hide by this blue car. I notice my van is parked right along the side of the building. I want to hop up there and get on the roof. It seems like the safest place to be but I never get the chance.

Waking up 2:20 p.m.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Blackcurrant Preserves. Orange Juice. Zinc, Biotin, Alfalfa Grain.

Meeting Chris at the storage unit to unload drums and let him borrow the car top carrier.

Big Lots.

Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea. Apricot. Banana.

Testing out the kinks in my M-Audio interface for recording.

I get called into work a little later than usual. Chinese food isn’t very popular on Independence Day. Getting sent home after 3 orders.

I decide to drive to the storage unit, pick up some drums, leave the van there, then ride my bike to meet up with Elliott and Wesley.

At his house, Elliott is playing Nascar. Him and Wesley eat burgers and fries. I drink a coke.

We walk down 16^th street to the boardwalk – sirens sounding in the distance – hearing the booming finale of the fireworks. Wesley makes mention that it feels like the apocalypse. Elliott draws out lines with chalk and we invite everyone to play foursquare. I set up the tom drum and the water jug. Making beats – really delving myself into the rhythm and the spirit of the beat. People throw in dollars and change in the bucket. Elliott joins in every now and then. Playing foursquare with the others. The ball goes flat from being thrown into the prickly bushes.

Emily shows up. We head back to Elliott’s. Sitting in the backyard. Elliott explains his frustration with the idea that guys are expected to pursue girls.

I leave and decide to stop and visit Margot at the restaurant she works at.

Riding my bike back to the storage unit where my van is only to find someone has broken in and ransacked everything. No broken windows, doors still locked. The driver’s side door was pried open. Plastic coverings taken off. Glove compartment dumped open. All the coin change in the mid console stolen down to every last penny, even in the Sonic changer. Cough drops gone, rubber ball gone, flashlight gone, scotch tape gone, jumper cables gone, even my Sonic toys were gone. The only highly valuable thing stolen was the ipod dock and charger. It’s as if the burglars attempted to steal the car. After realizing how difficult it would be, they decided to take everything they could. I call 911.

Driving back home. A cop meets me there to take down the police report and check for fingerprints.

Eating Meatless Corn Dogs, Asparagus, and Watermelon. Margot is in the kitchen confronting me about my activities from last night and also confessing some feelings she has for this guy. It’s too much for me. I’m shaken up enough already. “I don’t need this.”

Thinking more about what’s happened to me tonight. My thoughts are racing. Feeling the chaos of all the people and commotion from July 4^th at the beach bleeding over into the chaos of everything happening now. Talking with Margot about it, “The world’s gonna end soon…it’s going to happen…I think I’m being taught a lesson…” This isn’t the first time my van has been broken into and more important and valuable stuff has been stolen before. “Material things don’t matter…nothing matters anymore…I was looking at a photo in a magazine the other day showing all of Gandhi’s worldly possessions.” (dinner bowls, wooden fork and spoon, three porcelain monkeys, his diary, prayer book, watch, spittoon, paper knives, and two pairs of sandals) “Gandhi changed the world with such a small amount of material things and I can’t even change the world with all the material things I own,” which are insurmountable compared to his.

Most of the things I’ve lost from the van were meaningless. It’s the principle of being violated that disturbs me the most and the fact that the storage unit is a place I frequent.

Enjoying the new School of Seven Bells album. It’s comforting me. And so is Ambrotious. Thinking about the book of Genesis and how animals were meant to be man’s companions.

She texts me: “I want space from you.”

I reply: “the only way you’re going to get that is by hurting me.”

Eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Cleaning up the van.

Finish watching The Road.

“I tell him, ‘When you dream about bad things happening, it shows you’re still fighting. You’re still alive. It’s when you start to dream about good things that you should start to worry.’”

Sleep around 6:30 a.m.

Saturday July 3 2010

DREAM: Playing a game of tag with Art and Margot inside a mall size arena with lots of corridors and stairways. At the beginning of the game I sense an uncomfortable seriousness. I don’t know how to explain this except that it’s a feeling of being on edge at all times, like that fight or flight decision you make when faced with a life or death situation. Some of the locations I’m running through I recall from another dream. At one point I’m falling from high above this dark tower – in control – a feeling of anti-gravity. I tag Art. Margot finds us but she still thinks I’m “it”. Art and I play along and then at the right moment Art tags her in surprise. Now all of us are running in a spacious court/foyer area in the middle of this so-called mall. I slide down an escalator that’s moving extremely fast, Art and Margot following directly behind me….

Somewhere between 11 and 11:10 a.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel with Butter and Blackcurrant Jam. Orange Juice.

Work at China Wok.

I sell a paper shredder to a guy at the restaurant.

Quick stop at the house for lunch. Ambrotious is sleeping in the king’s throne.

Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Blueberry Green Tea. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

A cop pulls me over for going 55mph in a 45mph on Laskin Road, a brake light being out, and no seatbelt. Fortunately, he only gives me a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt and a warning for the rest.

Passing Borders Bookstore – outside is a little black lady has wrapped herself in a black cloth sitting in a chair with the biggest smile on her face.

Driving down VaBeach Blvd, I spot Emily struggling on the side of the road with her bike.

Eating Watermelon, Apricots, and a Banana.

My body feels sore from running in the forest for the Color video yesterday.

Finally getting off work after a 10 hour shift.

Inhaling my Vegetable Lo Mein for dinner as I drive to finish the last delivery.

Musicplayer show at Winston’s Café with Pan Galactic Straw Boss.

The instrument cable tip to my acoustic guitar pick up somehow gets bent so I can’t use it and the wheels on my cab fall off. Other than that, playing the show is fun and I’m starting to feel more confident in these new songs the more we perform.

My newly acquainted friends from the ice cream shop show up.

Yolinda, the owner, offers me a beer. I accept a Bud Light. It has such a cold and refreshing taste to it especially after such a long and busy day – a perfect post-show delight.

Talking with the Straw Boss guy. He’s very enthused about our performance – talking about the Weezer and Pixies influences, doing shows in the near future.

Kal introduces me to Janie, a friend of his. She offers to buy me a shot. I decline at first because I want to enjoy and finish my Bud Light. But somehow, with the help and camaraderie of others, I accept a shot of Jameson. Enjoying that burning sensation in my throat and the limp feeling on my lips – chatting at the bar with Kal, Gabe, and the others. Lingering around outside, sharing my Indonesian cigarettes with Janie – talking with people – feeling a little drunk but not too drunk, just drunk enough to be happy about it.

Giving Janie a ride home. Her and I lying on the couch together – Land of the Dead on television. She tells me about her love for zombie movies. Embracing and exchanging kisses – enjoying the fresh scent on her body. “This is new for me…” I say – meaning ‘you’re new for me’. Nuzzling her in the same way I would Ambrotious. We’re cats. We’re animals. We need to feel and touch other animals. It’s nurturing and a very human drive. I wouldn’t have wanted it to go any further. I think this was good for me; offering affection to someone unstained and foreign. Doing something out of the ordinary, or rather pushing the limits of this familiar zone I’ve created for myself keeps me sane and alive.

At home, eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.

A long and hot shower.

Sleep around 6:30 a.m.

Friday July 2 2010

DREAM: Playing an upright piano – running my fingers up and down the white keys pretending to perform a classical piece.

Waking up at 3:11 p.m. My body feels sore and my head hurts.

Breakfast: Instant Oatmeal and Flax Seed. Blueberry Green Tea.

Tending to emails and such.

Emily strolls into my room, “Hey pudding pop!”

Selling a printer to a guy.

Big Lots, Trader Joes, Target.

Walking through the parking lot at Target, overhearing three little boys, “Red light! Green Light! Yellow Light!”

Checking out at Trader Joes. The male clerk commenting on the Salt N Vinegar Chips I’m buying, “You can eat all those greasy foods. I can’t because I’m well insulated.” He is noticeably big but not fat.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea. Apricot.

Watching TED videos over lunch.

Organizing some things and cleaning the yard.

Art wants to play tennis. And the weather is perfect for it. But I tell him my body is too sore.

Cleaning out the van.

Installing and figuring out this M-Audio Firewire interface for recording.

Practicing and writing songs at the storage unit.

People are watching Wall-E in the living room.

Dinner: Beer Battered Fish. Rice. Green Beans. Carrots.

Emily is expressing to me some concerns about the summer and the future.

Playing the guitar in my room.

Investigating who stole the Pilsbury Doughboy picture above the stove. It went missing after Margot’s party.

Watching The Road.

Sleep around 5 a.m.

Thursday July 1 2010

DREAM: An owl or some exotic bird in a transparent lit room. I jump around outside the room flapping my arms kind of flying drawing my attention towards him. Somehow I see him signal for me to come to him in a seductive way as if he pulled out a hand and gave me the ‘come here’ sign. I continue to entertain him and fly around the street – higher and higher – but not too high – just enough to control my elevation.

11:24 a.m. waking up.

Text from Emily: “thank you for retrieving our baby. I was beside myself <3”

Breakfast: Instant Oatmeal and Flax Seed. Orange Juice. Zinc and Vitamin E.

Talking to my Mom on the phone. Listening to her warm and encouraging voice.

Shooting the Color video today. Andy is filming. I am sky. Rachel is water. Rocky is land. Josiah is the dreamer. Running around in the woods of Seashore State Park – swinging on a rope – Josiah riding a longboard and holding onto a rope attached to the van – tribal dancing with paint – wading in the shore with Rachel finding dozens of tiny jellyfish – eating a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich – over hearing a guy that rents out paddle boards, “And there’s skatboardin Indians over there!” (referring to us obviously).

Straight to Musicplayer practice at the storage unit with Chris and Kal – working on a new tune – rehearsing for the show on Saturday.

Getting home – Roman, Jamil, and their friend Anna are sitting on the couch watching Kick-Ass with Russian overdubs and drinking Tequila shots.

Dinner: Spaghetti, Spinach Salad, Garlic Bread.

Watching the movie with them.

Playing with the cat. He keeps darting outside as soon as the front door opens. Retrieving him once again.

Margot stops by for a few minutes. She wants to visit Emily and grab her Starbucks cup but Emily is already asleep before midnight.

Sitting on the couch in between Jamil and Anna – listening to them speak Russian back and forth to Art – discussing how non-citizens obtain a green card through marriage and how difficult it is, going through a series of tests and screenings.

Then, I open up Rosetta Stone and learn some Russian with Jamil and Anna by my side helping me learn. Anna becomes tired and sleepy but she reassures me she is happy.

Sharing Berger Cookies and washing clothes.

Unreal with Art.

Eating Watermelon.

Event and day planning.

Sleep around 5:30 a.m.

Wednesday June 30 2010

Josiah wakes me up because the Safelight guy is here to replace my windshield.

Back to sleep.

Waking up again to pay the Safelight guy.

Back to sleep.

DREAM: Spontaneously, I decide to go to the bus station and leave for Mexico to a city called Olaro. The station resides inside a club called Barto’s. I purchase my tickets at the counter. I have a big honeydew melon in my book bag and some other fruit – concerned about it getting through customs. A Canon representative is standing next to me making a joke. I give Rocky three bags of mine and ask her to keep them safe while I am gone. Feeling scared about going to Olaro – imagining the hot night air, the bars, the Mexican locals, the language barrier, the women. Just outside Barto’s are a few Mexican cross dressers flamboyantly posing and talking. It’s going to be along wait until the bus leaves, so I go for a walk down the street. I notice my house nearby. It looks like a mansion – an old yellow brick building with lots of rooms, but I realize we only use the middle of the building as our home. A sign above the front entrance reads: “House of 1623” Walking further up the street, surrounded by insane asylums and mental hospitals. How come I never noticed this about our neighborhood? A crazy white guy comes up to me with some sort of needle that works like a gun. He’s going to shoot me with it. But another crazy man that’s black and looks like a mechanic approaches us and tells the other man to shoot me in the big toe because that’s the most painless spot to be shot at. Just as he’s about to pull the trigger on my big toe, the black man flicks another needle that bounces off my shoes and pierces right into the crazy man’s stomach leaving him paralyzed. The black man saved me. I thank him and find out he’s a handyman and very good at fixing anything. I head back to Barto’s in hopes that the bus is ready to leave for Olaro by now. It isn’t. I notice other people waiting in sitting booths. Julie Hundley is there, wearing a loose orange sweater and a big bright smile as usual. I’m excited she’s riding on the same bus.

Waking up at 2:30 p.m. Andy Mellon is in my face. “Hey Robert! This bed is kind of wobbly.”

Breakfast: Instant Oatmeal and Flax Seed. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin E, Alfalfa Grain.

Shipping two medicine cabinets at Pakmail.

Lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich with Lettuce. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Mango Oolong Tea.

Meeting a lady in the Bank of America building in Town Center to sell a wireless speaker from Brookstone.

Doug and I meet at Panera to create some designs for Musicplayer. We accidentally stumble upon a cool idea for a Musicplayer emblem.

Practicing with Kal at the storage unit.

Sharing Berger Cookies.

Dinner: Black Beans and Rice. Spinach Salad. Garlic Naan Bread.

Rocky and Josiah are making masks with different colored feathers for Color’s video shoot tomorrow.

Jamil, Roman, and I clean up the attic and rig a cable cord onto the door that way a person can close and open it from inside the attic.

At some point, Emily and I realize Ambrotious is missing. We search the whole house and outside but he’s nowhere to be found.

Eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.

I decide to randomly check the front porch for Ambrotious. And there he is peering out from underneath the van bench with his big brown eyes as if he was saying, “Where have you been?

Finish watching Mad Max.

Sleep around 5:15 a.m.