[i]Waking up at 11:08 a.m.
I vaguely recall Margot being in my dream in a realistic
setting of talking and catching up on each other’s love lives. Considering my
proneness to have premeditative dreams I think to myself, I’ll probably run
into Margot at some point today.
Instant Blueberry Oatmeal. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
90-degrees.
Feeling sad...I didn’t see Aysena last night. She fell
asleep so early before I could even get off work. Her time clock is different
from my night owl schedule. It’s been two full days since I’ve seen her. She
makes me feel like a young romantic again, but also like a defenseless helpless
little boy with a tender heart. The imminent doom of her returning across the
globe is fresh in my mind. Just a little more than a week before she ventures
to the west coast with friends for a two weeks then I’ll have the opportunity
to see her in New York one last time. Ahhhh... I feel lost in my head.
...
Making a delivery to Ocean Trace condominiums, a place I
frequently deliver to, and the place where Margot lives. I’m forced to have a
nostalgic moment; her ghost haunts me sometimes. As I’m driving through the
neighborhood my melancholy increases dramatically...a combination of emotions.
On the verge of crying. But I don’t.
It’s slow at work – just sitting here at a table
thinking...involving myself in a rigorous poker game on my phone.
Peach and Mango.
Delivering an order to my favorite old ladies at Cape Henry
Towers off Shore Drive, the ones who request a pack of Misty cigarettes and fig
newtons every time. Since I’m over on this side of town I figure I’d surprised
Aysena at her house. I pop in her room with the new camera I ordered for her
online. We are both happy to see each other.
Me: “I missed you.”
Hugs and kisses. She’s actually about to do some
running...with the final destination being China Wok.
Five Guys French Fries. Coconut Water.
A few hours later, Ays is here and becomes my sidekick for
the next hour or so. We chit chat and make fun of each other. At one point she
keeps repeating everything that comes out of my mouth half as a joke and half
to learn my dialect.
Me: “I like you. You’re so adorable.”
...
Waiting in the restaurant. She makes a few observations
about Chinese restaurants in general, how strange and cookie-cut they all are.
I drop her off near the corner of Mill Dam and Great Neck as
my shift still continues and she needs to run home.
The night deliveries go on...
One day this day will end.
Ran into the Barf!! Car on the road...
[ii]
Earlier when Aysena was riding in my car I noticed we
quickly passed by Margot pulling into Old Virginia Beach Road. She caught my
eye but there was no time for a reaction or anything. I immediately got a text
from her and a few more after that inquiring into who that was in the passenger
seat. Running into her I’m just reminded of how little I care about
communication with her. I really don’t want to spoil the healthy distance we’ve
created. I feel stronger. I’m not going to respond to these text messages. I
hope they stop. I made clear to her that unless it’s an emergency I don’t want
to hear from her.
Unfortunately, I see a familiar address come through on the
restaurant computer. She did not. But she did. I guess Margot convinced
her roommate Emily to order Chinese food. My no-response tactic didn’t work.
She knows I’m working too. And it’s my last order of the night. I finally text
her back and try to make light of the situation, “that’s not fair. you girls
think you’re clever.”
...
I show up at the familiar address in Ocean Trace. Third floor.
Her roommate Emily and a few friends are present. I brought my dinner up just
in case I’d be hanging out for a bit.
“So you got a beer for me?” I request of Margot.
She pulls out a Magic Hat #9. I try to be cordial but all
she’s interested in is interrogating me with dumb questions. Hostility.
Me: “Goodness, I don’t see you for a month and our first
meeting has to be hostile?”
It’s inappropriate to be discussing our romantic lives so I
evade the questions with ambiguous answers. One of her girlfriends shows up.
They’re about to go out to a bar or something. So I leave.
...
Well that was
productive. I’m blindsided and disturbed by all that mumbo jumbo.
Aysena texted me that she’ll be staying up late tonight,
which is a rarity so I take up on the offer to visit. There. In her bedroom.
Finishing Heaven (2002).
Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic
Sauce.
Discussing the kind of films we like and have seen. Then,
engaging in a romantic sex session. I love her lips. In many moments she twists
her tongue around her mouth in such a seductive way it’s captivating.
Everything about our physical connection feels right from the stature of our
bodies to the communion of our faces. At one point she rolls up the blinds and
stands by the window. I follow. We’re both still naked and high from ecstasy.
The neighbors could easily see out their window if they wanted to. This is our
thrill – we like the risk, the chance that somebody could discover us. It’s
funny because I’ve never been involved with someone that enjoys this kind of
thing. I like it.
...
Me: “It’s late. It’s probably 2 a.m. right now.”
I pick up the phone and catch it switching to 2:03, “Look!
See I’m right. I know time.”
Ays: “What else you know?”
Me: “I know movement. I know space. I know dimension. I know
what makes you ecstasy.”
...
Before I depart from Aysena, I notice a deeper affection
coming from her end, something more attached, when she says, “Don’t leave yet.
Stay for five more seconds.”
I’m back home. But I’m stuck on the phone with Margot. She
called in need of some kind of consolation from the strange run-in. She keeps
prying into my life over this past month, more specifically “the bitches I’ve
been fucking,” her words. God, she’s so distasteful and hateful to me.
...
After talking with her I feel like my day is tainted
now...impure...tarnished. I don’t want this mild drama to even be associated
with this day. I just want to push all that murky old water out the window.
It’s disruptive and counterproductive. I should’ve known better. She can
contain common sense and strength for only so long. All our separation
milestones become null and void eventually. All of a sudden I make an
appearance on the roads of Virginia Beach and she’s reminded of something. All
of a sudden I mean something to her. Too late. My heart is taken. It’s not that
I think she really wants me back. I think it’s just a shock when we run into
each other. We can’t control it. That’s the hard part about living in the same
town with your exes.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Sleep 4 a.m.
[i] RUIN. Image
source unknown.
[ii] Image by
me.
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