Friday February 3 2012


DREAM: On the beach of a lake. Incessant waves crashing under our feet. You would think this was an ocean. But I look out across the water and find a calm setting of people spread out in lawn chairs, only a swimmer’s distance away. Someone’s playing video games on three computer monitors. I put on this diving suit and oxygen mask and have at it under the water, sometimes holding a waterproof video camera to film shots for a TV show.

Waking up around noon.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice.


Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Oolong Tea.

Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Working on a new slow jam. Stef’s mom consistently likes to cook us dinner to satisfy our post-practice hunger.

Shrimp and Rice with Spinach and Salad.

Apparently two drivers aren’t enough to get through China Wok’s dinner rush tonight and they had to call me in for an hour.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Almond Milk.

I head over to Nicole’s house where a birthday party for Amanda Paramore is going down. Good times as soon I sneak through the door. ↔ Someone brought a beer bong and people are chugging in the kitchen like frat boys. ↔ Rambunctious laughter and raucous behavior. ↔ Sara Smith and I play that “Pin Your Wings” song by Copeland for Amanda to which Sara changed the lyrics to, “It’s your birthday!” in the chorus. She’s thrilled, and even more thrilled when James Graves and I chant out a song by her favorite band, The Front Bottoms. ↔ Beer pong is set up using water in the cups. ↔ Dancing and stomping on the wood floor. ↔ A wonderful evening with friends...

I grab Darren and Gillian and we go home.


Gillian settles down in my room and insists on telling me some epiphanies she had dealing with her past...things that have become pressing because of a dream that reminded her of them. It’s strange to be speaking with her so personally cause it’s been at least eight months since we’ve had a real conversation. She hasn’t changed, at least not on the surface. She’s supposed to be spending the night here at the house and for some reason she expected to be sleeping in my bed.

I make things clear, “I really can’t allow this...It’s not right...I have to be respectful...If I wasn’t seeing someone I wouldn’t care.”

It’s amazing the boundaries she pushes...but eventually she gets my drift, but chalks it up to a test of will. I escort her downstairs to the couch and offer her a pillow and a comforter. I put on some soft tunes by Jose Gonzalez...

Her: “It sucks. I’m always attracted to guys I can’t have...”

I tuck her in and caress her shoulder a little bit...

Biology runs us. It’s not a justification. The spirit and the flesh. It’s an age-old biblical struggle. Sometimes you struggle so much you lose your reason to be fighting so hard. You come to accept your biology. Within the animal kingdom two things are instinctual: food and sex. These two things, even humans need to survive and prosper. It’s innate. However, don’t be careless with people’s hearts. That’s always in the back of my mind. But don’t take things too seriously. Certain ideas and actions are sacred but there’s a reason blood courses through your veins like a rushing river at ruthless speeds.

After all is said and done I say, “That’s the best I could do.”

Then retreat to my room, lock the door, and slumber away with thoughts parched with guilt after 3 a.m.

[i] Amanda’s B-Day Shenanigans. Images by Stephanie and me.

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