Wednesday June 22 2011

DREAM: There’s five of us. We’re supposed to spend the night at this lady’s house but something bad happened and she had an emergency move out into a townhome that’s understood to be Chanticleer. I arrive alone. I open the front door. The lights are off. The lady is lounging in the living room alone. 4 cats and 3 dogs roaming around. Grappling a grey American shorthair cat in my hands. All the animal’s fur is freshly shampooed and clean. I saunter upstairs to find the room where we’ll be sleeping but every door I open there’s already a kid sleeping in a bed. In the bathroom a bunk bed is set up. I’m not sleeping in there. I refuse to breath in that dank air. Realizing we’ll have to sleep on the couches I gather blankets and pillows from the closet to bring downstairs. It’s understood there’s a lot of people in the house now for some kind of funeral reception for the death of an older couple. I set up the blankets on a couch of my choosing. I go get pillows and come back to find Anthony and Kelley having sex on my couch without any discretion whatsoever for the presence of all these people.

“Really? What the fuck is this shit? You guys are really having sex on my couch? I put these blankets here!”

I realize at this point the whole room got quiet and all eyes and ears are focused on me. I feel the need to retort to the crowd…

“Yes, I get angry sometimes and I like to use the F word and the S word and B word!” It’s almost as if I’m preaching or giving a speech, “There’s nothing wrong with being angry. We’re all human right? And all of us have emotions. I think the key is not letting it get out of control. Don’t let your anger get out of control. I’m not going to let someone taking my couch get the best of me…” I pause for a second thinking about the reason these people are here: a funeral reception. My lips and eyes start to feel heavy, like I’m about to cry and I barely make the words out, “I know you guys lost some very special people in your life.” My mouth frowns uncontrollably and I begin to whimper…“So have I!” The tears pour out. I take notice of the shocked faces of a few people nearby. I was referring to the time my sister died in waking life when I was younger.

Waking up just after 1:30 p.m.

Breakfast: Everything Bagel with Cream Cheese. Orange Juice.


Finding a shaded spot in the Target parking lot. Trying to find a way to cut through the fence into Rachel’s neighborhood. She’s going through a mild turmoil of some kind. I figured I’d stop by for a visit.

There. Kino allows me to pet and embrace his whole body. Sex and the City on the TV. Her dad vents to me about fatherly things, “This is Facebook dad and real dad talking shit.” He’s kind of upset on how long it took Rachel to get a replacement phone after she dropped her other one in the toilet.
She feels overwhelmed with what I establish as “the strong preying on the weak.”
Me: “People take advantage of the weakness you portray. I think you’re stronger than you think you are.”

Getting some groceries.

Cutting up and enjoying watermelon in the kitchen. Some kids in the neighborhood come to our door trying to sell Anthony and Darren some really cool rocks, which they probably just found somewhere. Hustlers. I inspect. One of the kids has an arrowhead shaped rock claiming he made it himself. Anthony drops a bunch of quarters in their hands and we take our prizes.

Practicing songs on the guitar—in Dustin and Kevin’s bathroom. Playing music in the bathroom is one of my favorite places to play. The acoustics are perfect.

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea. Peach.

Doing a house show at Russell and Rusty’s place right off 21st street. The big light bulb in the yard induces a lot of picture taking. Playing an acoustic set of covers and Musicplayer originals—feeling confident in my voice despite the lack of practice. The house is intimate in space and design. A lot of friends mingling with one another. You Blew It, a rock band from Florida goes on next. Then, Adam of Invisible Hand does an interesting side project performance using a vintage synthesizer and a pedal board—pulsing zips and buzz sounds with charismatic melodic hollering into the microphone—it’s kind of hypnotizing. Off and on hanging out in Rusty’s room where it’s cool because of an a/c unit mounted on his window. Someone’s passing around a bowl—taking a few hits. I don’t ever smoke except on occasion when it’s offered but even then I usually refuse to waste time and effort into it. Either way, I feel loose and chill, lying there on Rusty’s bed—Jessa putting out tunes on her flip phone.

Outside I’m feeling the weight of the high, something I’ve rarely felt before. Erin walks around the block with me. I talk about how convinced I am that the two of us knew each other in a past life, more specifically in the medieval time era. “Yeah you know how some people just look familiar, like you’ve seen them or known them from another time, every time you look at them you get nostalgic…”

A group of people pile into Adam’s big orange van to head to 67th street for beach fun. Considering joining but I really want to see my baby.

Driving home from the show. I’m stopped at 24th and Birdneck. For about 5 seconds I completely lose sense of direction and have no idea which way to go. Oh man.

Back home, eating leftover Spicy Beans and Rice with a Carrot. Chit chatting with the dudes.

Margot shows up. We start talking about our day and I explain how I took a few hits for the first time a while. She is immediately disappointed in me and even covers her face with her hand as if ashamed. She’s really offended. She claims it’s dumb and people do idiotic things while on it. This sparks a long debate and argument over this and that. It’s an upsetting scene because it becomes too overwhelming for her to handle. Well, what about alcohol? You see the same effects when it’s abused. I don’t see any difference in the danger levels. If anything alcohol is even worse in those matters. This part she takes personally. She leaves. I call. She comes back. We bicker some more, and by that I mean trying to understand her logic and trying to explain mine. Questioning the relationship…. The problem is, I just talk too much about it and cover every aspect of the issue. It makes her feel bad and like she’s always the reason we have these episodes. This is really a shame because I love her so much and I know the desire to be with each other is strong. But I hate not getting along. I hate seeing her upset and unhappy. And she’s expressed her dislike in seeing me unhappy with her.

Eventually the coldness subsides. Cuddling and loving.

“I worked too hard to get you back. You can’t lose me that easy.”

She transports herself to dreamland within a minute while I sit and reflect on the day.

Eating a small cup of Frosted Shredded Wheat Cereal.

Sleep 5:45 a.m.

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