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[i]A hard hard sleep for me. A collage of dreams brewing one after the other. I wake up next to her. My legs are sweaty underneath these sheets. She had to get up and get ready for class. Somehow we get into a fairly bitter conversation about the blog. I’ve started posting the year-ago entries. She’s forever been an unwilling mainstay character in it and it upsets her. She doesn’t like other people knowing about her life. With understanding where she’s coming from I also explain that it’s not about her life but about my life. But there’s no arguing the discrepancy of a possible bad impression most people will get when reading about our past relationship problems. It’s a difficult thing to not include her in the blog because of how important she was in my life.
Me: “It’s not bigoted though. I write about the ugly things,
yes, but I also write about the good things.”
...
Me: “I wrote a lot of pretty things about you. I hope you at
least appreciate those.”
Back at the house.
Strawberry Toaster Pastries. Orange Juice.
Cleaning up the kitchen. I’ve calculated that I spend at
least 20 minutes a day doing the dishes. That’s about 400 minutes a month
(around 6.5 hours).
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Tortilla Chips with
Salsa. Honey Green Tea.
I haven’t really talked with Aysena in a few days. We
briefly catch up through messages on VK. I reached out to her to talk about Irreversible
(2002) the French film I just finished watching. She’s feeling a sharp distance
between us; so have I.
Aysena: “and if you feel like you are getting something new,
changing, realizing the truth of life, please, robert, just let me know. i
rather prefer being informed than in hesitation. i ask you, please dont leave
me with no word, just tell me that it doesnt make a sense or i need the time or
another piece of shit, because nobody wouldnt like to live in the dark. i've
had a terrible experience and i wish no one has it in this world. you can
handle everything but suspense will kill you till the end getting you a hopeless”
Me: “you are in a deep place...thinking deeply... i don't
want you to feel in hesitation or be in a dark place. i believe both of us
should live freely. BE where you are. it is difficult for the feelings between
us to grow and get bigger or get deeper and become strong because we are so far
apart. everything that happened between you and i is very important to me. in
the future i want to see you again (i still want to make plans to come to
russia and teach and see you for a month. i have to plan more and save more
money. i don't know how long it will take.) and what will happen after i see
you in russia? i go back to america. and what will you do after school? how can
we keep our relationship if we don't live in the same city? that is the only
way it will work. we NEED to BE with each other. and what can we do now? we
chat on VK or Skype. and it's nice to hear from you and talk with you and see
your face...but that's it. that's all we get. if you were here with me...or if
i was there with you...things would be better. and it would work. i want to
still talk with you and share our lives as much as we can. i miss you so very
much, ays. sooooo much. i remember that whole month you were here and all those
sweet memories. i think about them all the time. i really hope that in the
future we can continue this. and right now what do we do? what can we do? we
can keep in touch and talk every day or every other day. it's good. but i can't
give you everything that i want to give you...not like this. i hate it.”
Exercising while simultaneously learning Russian.
It’s an art party tonight, well not really a party. I
invited Minnie and James Graves over. We gather at the dining room table. The
rest of the house crew is around. Kevin’s chowing down on a fancy mac n cheese
dish while the three of us flesh out images on paper. James locates the twitter
page that was created strictly for Kevin and documenting his infamous
one-liners. He reads them aloud one by one and laughs are shared by all.
“I didn’t fall. I just lost my footing.”
I reassure Minnie, “Oh yeah we collect his quotes. I’m not
even kidding. It’s real.”
James continues reading, “I had a wet dream so I know its
gonna rain today.”
Kevin: “I honestly don’t remember saying that!”
“The last thing you want is a deep fryer in zero gravity.”
Apparently Kevin might want to be a cop later on life.
Anthony describes a conversation he had with him a while back about it, “I was
like, so what’re the first three things you’re gonna do when you become a
cop? He was like, arrest Darren, get a girlfriend, and then the
third one he was like, become a sergeant.”
[Ha-ha-ha]
He continues, “And then I was like, why’re you gonna
arrest Darren? He was like, I’m gonna arrest him for being such a dick.”
...
Eating some of my own dinner: Egg with Mixed Vegetables and
Mushrooms in Rice.
[ii]
At one point Kevin thinks it’d be funny to grab the two
marionettes hanging from the ceiling fan and thrust them together repeatedly
while making sex noises. Minnie laughs and so do I but not after gawking at him
while shaking my head pretending to act un-amused.
He defends himself, “I am 23 and I am still immature. I’m 13
at heart.”
Minnie draws a brown mustache above his naked upper lip
while he plays the violin achieving a much stronger look as a violinist.
Later, Minnie and I hang out in my bedroom listening to
music and watching VICE documentaries. She sits propped on the wooden stool
next to me in my computer chair, rather close, close enough for me to place my
head on her shoulder like a little boy. It’s not romantic but just affectionate
behavior that feels right. She reacts with an awww. I still haven’t
figured her out really. I’m sure I’ll find her place in my world sooner or
later. She leaves at some
point.
I snack on Popcorn and drink a Coke with a splash of
Lemon.
Sleep 4:30 a.m.
[i] Reverb.
Marker art by me.
[ii] Marker art
by Minnie.
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