Monday November 19 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Walking around with a friend in a courtyard that has a roof but no walls. I’m giving her the tour of this little room enclosure I constructed specifically for recording that also has no walls but all the equipment is placed in such a way to give the impression there are walls. It’s very dark outside. I guess we’re about to spend the night. She notices a stalker about a hundred feet away.

Her: “Why is he staring at us?”

Chills run down my spine because it’s really creepy. But I ensure, “Don’t worry about him. We’re safe here.”

I notice a green and yellow python slither by us. He perches his front half up and faces me with eager eyes. I try moving side to side in a strafing technique to avoid him snapping at me. It’s proving difficult.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 11:07 a.m.

Instant Blueberry Oatmeal. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

A slow afternoon.

Jes shows up. I stop by the house and we sit down at the table with Kevin to eat lunch. Jes mentions how she sees this place as a zoo and I’m it’s zookeeper.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Tortilla Chips with Avocado and Salsa. Honey Green Tea.

The day picks up with steady deliveries.

Bosc Pear.

Vegetable Lo Mein.

Off work.

The kids are letting off some steam downstairs playing some kind of card game called 21 that involves drinking vodka-orange soda and establishing rules to abide by otherwise if you don’t you lose an article of clothing.

I leave to return this pimple spot treatment to Margot (I had borrowed it from her when I had that mountainous spot on my nose). Hanging out on the couch watching The Voice where up and coming young singers show their talent. I eat up on a slice of Carrot Cream Cake and drink a Killian’s. We’re playful towards each other and it feels understood that we’ll have sex. We both agree that it’s for the best that we don’t hang out like this anymore – I mean we made this agreement ages ago anyway. Again, I don’t look at this as a concession or any kind of major re-connect. It’s a subtle re-connect...a morale pick-me-up, I don’t know.

Back home.

Anthony knocks on my door. As soon as I open it up he reaches in for a strong hug. “I just wanna give you a hug and tell you that I love you. My dad always said you should tell the people you love that you love them every day.” His eyes a little watery, I can see he’s burdened with heavy thoughts. Then he points to my arm and mentions something poetic about the flesh and how it’s not always gonna be there. Jonathon’s suicide has raised a lot of questions and awareness between all of us here at the house. It seems to be affecting our lives more and more everyday.

In other news, I receive a Facebook message from Raven, yes, Raven. She had actually asked for a string of photos that were taken last summer with Jonathon in them (they were close friends). She added a sort of apology excerpt. It’s been over a year since I’ve had any contact with her as we departed from our intense but brief romantic affair. I mean the whole reason any of us knew Jonathon was because of her. But as cheesy as it sounds I’ve had multiple dreams over the past year about this day...the day she acknowledges the ugliness of the events and how everything went down. I dreamed of reconciliation intently that it felt absolutely real in the dream. But here it is in reality...

Also, I'm really sorry about everything. I really just need to be a better person now, and I feel like last summers events were very selfish of me. It truly hurts me to remember causing you and Adam pain, as well as the strain it put on my friendships (Amanda). I also feel bad because I remember how close I was with Jon and that moment in my life and instead of using those opportunities to get closer I was so caught up in what was happening that I couldn't even work on my own existing friendships, and I can't ignore that feeling. I don't know, I have a lot of regret to work through about almost everything in my life, and I hold my emotions in my front pockets so it's not like I can let this all pass. Ive had very few opportunities to apologize in sincerity and a state of clarity, so I would like for this to be one of them. You are an exceptional and kind person and you didn't deserve for me to treat you the way that I did.

I hear the sound of persistent glass breaking coming from downstairs. I investigate to find Richie and Josh and whomever else without reason slamming glass bottles out back and inside the house. There’s drunkenness in the air. The dining room is a muddy mess. I go on a rant and demand that everybody leave. This is all too much. I really don’t understand this kind of destructionist mindset. I mean this is their forte. I like to destroy things sometimes but this is in their blood. It controls them.


I go for a run. It’s only a little bit chilly. It’s refreshing. My escape. As Beethoven’s Sonata in E Minor Opus 90 trickles into my ears I feel righteous anger...anger against all the wrong in this world and all the wrong that hits close to home. I think about Jonathon’s death. I think about Anthony’s fierce attitude earlier. I think about Aysena. I think about my mom. I think about Margot. I think about my sins. I think about destruction and beauty. My heart beats faster than the tempo of this classical piano. God we need purity. We need salvation from our retched lives. I look at my friends, and friends of friends, and how they act like degenerates when intoxicated. What does this accomplish? Absolutely nothing. It merely reinforces the downfalls of humanity.

Settling down in my room with a bag of Popcorn and a can of Busch Beer.

Watching Bug (2006). 

Peter Evans: [on why he hasn't been with a woman for a long time] “I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore.”
Agnes White: “What wasn't?”
Peter Evans: “You have a centre right? A place inside of you that's just you, that hasn't been spoiled... And I think it's really important to try and keep that space sacred. In some sense, on some level, but... sex or relationships cloud that space... or, they cloud me I guess, they make it difficult to be just me and not have to worry about... being somebody else. I sound like a big asshole, don't I.”

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

[i] Quote by Stephen King.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I don't why but I feel like a stalker reading your every day life; your experiences and emotions you post in here.. even though it's here to be read, it still makes me feel like I'm stalking you.. or maybe because I'm reading something really personal, and I like how you write. I'm sorry about Jonathon though and I hope your physical stalker leave you alone.. that made me read on actually. Take care. :)