Sunday November 18 2012


Waking up in her bed around 11:15 a.m. alone.

I arrive back home to get ready for the day. As I’m boiling some water I hear somebody march slowly down the stairs. I look out and it’s Anthony. He’s standing completely still and with a forlorn face as if he’d just seen the most terrifying ghost.

“Jonathon committed suicide last night,” he says.

I feel the same dread he feels.

“What? Are you kidding me?”

I wasn’t terribly close to Jonathon but he came over to the house off and on to hang out with our friend-family. He was always quiet-spoken. Anthony had taken to him like a distant brother.

Me: “I don’t even know what to think or say. This is intense.”

Anthony shows me this book that Jonathon gave him a week ago and claimed it was his favorite book: The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa.

Strawberry Toaster Pastries. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

While I’m driving around delivering, dark thoughts press hard on my mind. I’ve never had to deal with suicide so close to our thread of friends. I give Anthony a call to kind of debrief and figure it out. The more and more I think about it the more shaken up I feel. I think the biggest thing to remember is we can’t take responsibility. It wasn’t anybody else’s fault. Jonathon made is own decision according to his philosophy at the time. But it still breaks my heart. This is real life.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea. Vegan Pumpkin Muffins.

Delivering an order to the Fairfield Inn at the Oceanfront. As I walk into the lobby I can see through the big glass windows kite surfers out in the water braving the high force winds.

As usual Sunday is steady for business.

Fried Shrimp with Broccoli, Onions, and Carrots in Garlic Sauce.

Off work.

Chatting on the phone with Margot while I do some crunches. Hashing out some understandings with part humor and part sincerity. In no way have we been “seeing” each other or anything like that. We’ve merely seen each other more than once over this past month. But I’ve taken a kind of carefree attitude towards it and towards most things lately. In a way she has too.

Running into Kevin in the hallway. I can see the heaviness in his eyes. Jonathon’s suicide affected all of us in a surreal way.

Sipping on Red & White Tea with Lemon and Honey.

Sleep 4 a.m.

[i] Hollis Brown Thornton.

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