Sunday September 19 2010

9:14 a.m. James taps on the tent waking me up to go back to Virginia Beach.

Dozing off and on in the backseat.

Back to sleep in my purple lit room.

DREAM: Jamming on the guitar in some wooden room, maybe a restaurant. A girl and her father are listening. I decide to play some covers to keep their attention—beginning the first chords to “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt. James is beside me singing along. Switch to a scene at a small airport. Mark Padgett, Thomas McNabb, and Pogge arriving from somewhere—here in town early to prepare for the Mae farewell tour. At some hotel cabin with everyone setting the schedule for the day.

A little after 3 p.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: Toasted Bagel Plain with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Black Tea with Honey. Zinc.


Then, talking with Teresa on the phone trying to make more sense of what happened last night. Convincing ourselves that being respectful to the people we’re already with is important in spite of anything else.

Work at China Wok.

Lunch: Egg and Cheese Burrito. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Orange Juice. Vanilla Yogurt.

Number of Non-Tippers for this shift: 1

First Non-Tipper

Race/Description: Caucasian couple in their early 30’s

General Location: Linkhorn Bay off Birdneck

Type of Residence: Medium Sized Apartment

Quality of Residence (5-Star Rating): ***

Amount of Order: Over $20

Friendly/Non-Friendly: Friendly

Figuring out the bills.

Margot comes over and we go for a walk through the neighborhood. The clear cool air is necessary for this kind of talk. I did something that broke that little inkling of trust she had. But I didn’t cheat on her—I just did some things with somebody that were questionably teetering on the border of cheating. I told her I would be honest and inform her if anything like this occurred which I did. She’s thoroughly upset and disappointed and it doesn’t help any of the progress we’ve been making the past month. I don’t even know if you can call it progress, more like stabilization. The explanations I give her and the angered rebuttals lead to the bigger issue of being happy with each other and statements like Why keep trying if it isn’t going to work out. I express my fear of losing her again. Inside I know I really am scared of this but part of me thinks that it could be the right step to something beneficial for both of us individually.

We go back inside. I throw some Campbell’s Vegetable Beef Soup on the stove. Chowing it down with Garlic Bread. It’s relieving to get the heavy talk out of the way and just feel light.

Later, in my room. I was planning on doing something more physical like playing basketball but my eyes feel weighty and sore from the off-course sleeping schedule over the weekend.

I talk with Teresa on the phone some more. Coming to the understanding that having a beneficial and platonic friendship is completely possible, and of course was the original plan to begin with upon first meeting, especially in my mind. She expresses her concern to be respectful and sensitive to Margot to which I agree is appropriate. Talking about seasons in life and how to know when a season is beginning or ending.

I desire happiness just like anybody else—still holding true to my loner habits and desiring to feel freer. I just want to be free. I don’t want to hurt people but I also want to be true to myself. Ugh…there are so many thoughts running through my head. I need strength and guts.

Eating a bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat Cereal.

Finishing the first DOOM novel and moving onto part 2.

Watching the rest of Presumed Innocent [1990]

Sleep around 5:15 a.m.

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