Friday March 21 2014

[i]

Waking up at 12:30 p.m.

Corn, Flax, Quinoa Cereal, and Cinnamon Oat Clusters with Almond Milk.

Errands.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Popped Potato Chips. Black Tea with Honey.

We're having SHOW N TELL down at the oceanfront at a fairly new coffee shop called Zeke's. It's not a huge turnout, a humble crowd of maybe 15 to 20 people – I think not having SHOW N TELL's at the house kind of deters people – the house provides such an intimate and warm atmosphere and the reputation of SHOW N TELL was founded at the house. Despite, the few committed who do come present some stellar and interesting performances. One guy totes a baby facemask and pumps out experimental lo-fi dance music out of mini-synthesizers that resemble tuners. We can always count on Wolf Dancer to bring his circuit-bent toy keytar. Ana and I perform a few of our regular bluegrass folk covers but she also does a solo performance on the electric guitar serenading all of us with haunting melodies similar to the likes of Roy Orbison.  

Back at the house finishing off a Poke Bowl I got from Zeke's, a Hawaiian-style Sushi bowl with Tuna and various vegetables and seasonings. Darren, Jes, and Ana brought back wine, beer, and snacks to share. Darren shares some of his crazy Craigslist sex stories. Ana and I make the peanut butter honey almond granola bars in the kitchen. After that I feel kind of turned off by all the loud socializing and Darren's sarcastic comments like, "I've never had sex before," "I've never listened to music before," and "I've never eaten anything before."

...

Eventually, Ana ends up in my room. I sense something is wrong but she always closes up when something's wrong. We kind of move on from this topic for a while. At some point I'm lying down next to her and attempt to caress the top of her head. She says that she prefer I not do that. I casually remove myself from the bed and express my feelings of defeat and annoyance. I go on a rant, nothing too overwhelming, just enough to explain my observations about the wall she keeps built between us when it comes to truly personal stuff.

...

Now she's standing there by the bookshelf (her corner) with tears billowing up and falling gracefully down her face. It's something personal that doesn't necessarily involve me but affects the relationship and how she views herself.

Finally, cuddled up under the covers together – trying to stay warm – I attempt to rub off the goose bumps accumulated on her arms and legs. I sense that she's yearning for sex but I'm afraid I don't have the energy she's hoping for. Despite, I pleasure her without getting naked – I just focus on her feelings of ecstasy. It bothers me that I can't get a boner in this heated moment. I really don't know why. I guess my sex drive gets muddled when there are deeper things going on inside her. It truly affects me in a way that turns me off to anything of a sexual nature. I want her to feel confident – it's her confidence that attracts me.

[Some Facebook message from her that will be sent the next day:

"My thoughts have scattered, and I know late at night in your bed I tend to allow my mind to wander into ideas that shouldn't be taking our time.

You were right about holding things in. How holding them in can make me feel sick and eventually affect our relationship in a negative way.

It hurts me inside. Like this sinking in my chest that burns brings a shiver of nervousness all throughout my body that causes me to cave in and block you from any physical affection that you try to give like when you were laying next to me touching my hair.

I just want to be loved just as much as you do. I want to be showered with physical affection just as much as you do. And I want to be told more that I am loved (verbally). But I understand it's not a word you probably don't want to say too much.

I really appreciate you always giving me so much patience and always telling me the whole complete truth. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you whatsoever. I know it's silly, but I think you are perfect just the way you are with everything that you do. I know you deserve to be treated the best because it is all that you deserve.

I assure you that there is nothing wrong with you. At all. I enjoy that you tell me everything. I like that you don't just give up and leave like I do. I admire that in you, and it makes me respect you.

I also want to assure you that I do love you. I love you with all of my heart. I'm sorry that I lack the ability to say it in a poetic way.

And I want to be able to go back onto this spiritual path that I had for myself.

And thank you for always giving and caring."]

---

[i] Images by me.

Thursday March 20 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

I'm on the set of a movie starring Sigourney Weaver as a woman who has come down with some kind of mental disorder sometimes sparking raging outbursts. In one scene Joaquin Phoenix and I clamor up the stairs to check up on her in the bedroom – we got word she might've killed herself. But we discover nothing of the sort happened. Sigourney's rolled over in the bed. She turns around slowly. I sense she's about to have one of those outbursts and I run out of the room. Later in another scene she's sitting at the wheel of a crossover vehicle of some kind, her therapist and company sitting in the backseat.

"If it wasn't for you I'd die of depression!" she announces sarcastically.

The therapist responds, "Go to hell, Vern! Just start driving."

▬ ○ ☼

At 12:10 p.m. I wake up to sweet smells coming from downstairs. Ana made us homemade Pancakes using only Eggs, Bananas, Chocolate Chips, and Baking Soda. I brew some Coffee to go with our brunch.

It's a beautiful day here in Virginia Beach – the jet noise is cracking through the sky in a thunderous roar – the sunshine is bright and filled with hope. We leave the house to visit Elliott at the new flower shop he started working at off Laskin Road. Originally, Ana was going to meet the owner and try for a job there but they were looking for a male and already hired Kenny. Then, to The Heritage for some dates and honey.

Back at the house. Darren shows up for conversations and a few hits. Ana and I share lunch: Kale Salad with Carrots and Blueberries, Naan Bread with Hummus.

At the Rec Center for adult basketball. My defensive skills have always been one of the shining qualities I portray on the courts – it's very apparent tonight.

Spaghetti with Tomato Basil Sauce, Green Peppers, Squash, Onions, and Garlic Bread.

Watching Hannibal (2001).

Research.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Face Lift. Valerio Carrubba.

Wednesday March 19 2014

[i]

Waking up at 1:55 p.m.

Corn, Flax, Quinoa Flakes, and Cinnamon Oat Clusters with Almond Milk.

Painting a clay pot. General tweaking and cleaning.

Kevin's trying to brew dissension between roommates based on some trivial mishaps. I catch him stopping home from work. He explains, "It'll be like a bowl of shit cereal with Windex instead of milk."

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato and Kale. Everything Pretzel Thins with Hummus. Black Tea with Honey.

Working one hour at China Wok to help with the dinner rush, or lack thereof. Two orders. $18. Can't complain.

At The Escape running on the treadmill and various resistance exercises.

Apple.

Will and Leah show up randomly after just getting back from a free showing of Divergent (2014) at the theaters to which they were disappointed enough they walked out before it was over. While they are gathered at the table I re-pot the Chinese Evergreen into the new clay pot I just painted. Will helps keep the stems centered while I add the soil.

...

Ana arrives. After Will and Leah leave I cook up something in the kitchen – a very earthy meal including Edamame Soybeans, Bok Choy, Black Fungus (that look like floppy ears), and Wild Black Rice. With a little oyster sauce, soy sauce, and ginger it turns out to be a delicious combination, especially aesthetically speaking. Our soundtrack while eating is Ayub Ogada...

We concoct a homemade recipe for Hot Cocoa using Almond Milk and bring it to the bedroom to enjoy while watching Masculin Féminin (1966).

About an hour in I pause the movie. We engage in general lovie bed-behavior involving raspberries to the belly, tickling, and tumbling. The beginnings of sex ensue but I can't continue because of some kind of physical malfunction. Everything about me is excited and aroused except for the most important body part – it doesn't make sense. This has happened on a rare occasion in my sexual past but never with Ana. But it's no big deal.

...

After brushing our teeth together we get caught up in a photo shoot bathroom scandal. I put on her tights and she slips on my baggy house pants.

Sleep around 4 a.m.

---

[i] Images by me.

Tuesday March 18 2014

[i]

Waking up at 1:38 p.m.

Frosted Shredded Wheat Cereal with Almond Milk.

Taking care of some errands: picking up a gas cap lid off another Toyota Camry from the Pick-N-Pull, general shopping at the thrift store, and groceries.

Naan Bread with Hummus. Tortilla Chips with Salsa and Avocado. Black Tea with Honey.

At the Rec Center for organized adult basketball.

Orange Roughy Fillet with Wild Black Rice, Bok Choy, and Onions.

Watching Silence of the Lambs (1991).

Painting a clay pot. Listening to new music.

Sleep at some point.

---

[i] Image by me.

Monday March 17 2014

[i]

At 11:43 a.m. I wake up to an alarming banging on my bedroom door. It's Kevin. After a moment of stark realization it's obvious I'm late for work. My bosses called Kevin to see what was going on. I was supposed to be there at 11:30 but my alarm didn't go off or maybe I don't remember it going off. This is a rare occasion for sure. I can only recall two times in my whole China Wok career I was late for work like this.

All day shift at China Wok.

An Orange. Instant Multi-Berry Oatmeal. Coffee.

It's another cold rainy dreary day on the roads of Virginia Beach. I stay warm in my mobile toaster oven.

Egg Drop Soup. Bo' Berry Biscuit from Bojangles.

Delivery after delivery. Kevin comes in to help with the dinner rush. A lot of hotel orders.

Honey Peanut Butter Almond Granola Bars.

Edamame Thins. Lo Mein.

Usually on Monday nights when it slows down the cleaning bug climbs into Cecily's ear and it's time to wipe down anything and everything. Ling scrubs a dirty part of the floor that gets a lot of traffic – over time a large black smear formed where Kevin and I's shoes have stepped day in and day out.

Just before 11 p.m. I arrive home. Guests are here for movie night. Will pops popcorn using a popping machine. Ana whips up a bowl of those No-Bake Granola Bites – they turn out a little too wet than expected, I guess cause she couldn’t access the recipe or something.

...

Despite everyone's reluctance we're showing Teen Wolf (1985) starring Michael J. Fox, a classic from my childhood.

Later, Ana and I chat under the covers and next to the warmth of each other. Even though it's after 3 a.m. we engage in discussions – I talk about the growing epidemic of people being attached to devices and how it annoys me to witness this during social situations.

Me: "We should record a radio show. We can call it Bed Talks. And it'll just be us having conversations before we fall asleep."

---

[i] Image by Ana.

Sunday March 16 2014

[i]

Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

Wild Berry Clusters and Flakes with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

It's one of those days where I'm driving non-stop. I don't even have enough time to finish the usual tasks like prepping the bags or bagging the fried noodles, nothing.

Egg Salad Sandwich. Tortilla Chips with Homemade Avocado Salsa. White Green Tea with Honey.

The clouds hide the previous day's sun. Rain. It rains like it hasn't rain in years. The rain only encourages this perpetual movement that I'm in behind the wheel. It's windy. It's cold. Nobody wants to leave their house. Just order takeout. I enjoy the touching piano jazz tunes coming through the radio. Some of the songs strike an emotional chord. This weather couldn't be any more appropriate.

Almond Peanut Butter Honey Granola Bars.

I can't complain because the tips are generous.

Off work and back home.

Mongolian Chicken with Vegetables and Rice.

Darren and James Graves are hanging around downstairs. After James asks me to reveal the progress I've made from working out I encourage us all to lift up our shirts and explore the difference between a belly slouched and a belly in good posture.

Milk Chocolate.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] David Talley.

Saturday March 15 2014

[i]

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Coffee with Coconut Creamer. Almond Peanut Butter Honey Granola Bars.

All day shift at China Wok.

Orange Juice.

Beautiful sunny and breezy weather, enough for me to sport a muscle t-shirt and keep the windows rolled down.

Kale Salad with Carrots and Tomatoes. Egg Drop Soup.

It's a steady Saturday for business – driving into oblivion.

Icelandic Milk Chocolate.

Jes stops by to tell me about a crazy idea she has to open up an art space with me. She's working with a realtor right now to help me find my first home with a detached garage in hopes to build it into a studio space.

Apple.

Off work and back home.

Hunan Chicken with Broccoli and Fried Rice.

While I fix up a homemade guacamole/salsa and egg salad Richie, Kevin, Dan, and a girl named Shelby are drinking beers and listening to Dr. Dog in the dining room. The girl makes a special batch of Vanilla Lavender tea (loose-leafed) she got from Quintin's. I thankfully take a mug for myself – exquisite. 

Sleep at 4 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.

Friday March 14 2014

[i]

Waking up at 12:30 p.m. with a headache.

Grapefruit. Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Dropping my car off for an oil change on 17^th Street then riding my bike back home.

Naan Bread with Peanut Butter. Everything Pretzel Thins. White Green Tea with Honey.

Riding my bike back over to pick up my car.

Groceries.

Making 5-Ingredient Almond Granola Bars and doing general prep work for the next three days of work I'm about to have.

Dressing up in a vintage 70's style silk buttoned-up shirt that I keep in my closet for special occasions. Tonight is one of them. I've got a dinner date with Ana in Norfolk. We ride together to Field Guide, a fairly new restaurant off Granby Street. It's a dark ambient atmosphere with a theme of exploration – long wooden cafeteria-style italicized shaped tables – terrariums on the bar counter. We order a couple specialty sandwiches – Walkabout: Roasted Turnips with Arugula, Peperonata, and Honey Ricotta – Ms. Kodiak: Smoked Whitefish Salad with Avocado, Potato Chips, Golden Relish – with a side of Curried Vegetables and Sweet Potato Chips – for dessert: a Cinnamon Bun with Mexican Hot Fudge and Coffee. We run into Bianca, Josiah's girlfriend – she works here.

Back at Ana's house on Pamlico. I strap on her black acoustic guitar and we practice a few songs together. Then she puts on some dance inducing music from her laptop – Nobunny – King Khan and the BBQ Show. We hop around the room, jumping across the bed, and chasing after each other like playful animals in the forest that is her bedroom.

Me: "Alright, it's time for your mating dance."

She picks "XXX 88" by MØ feat. Diplo and starts moving in such an attractive rhythm – her hips shaking right and left – her hair flailing up and down. She looks like she's in a natural state of being...

Shortly after we connect our lips and glide our hands along one another's body. We're the only ones in the house. A truly satisfying sexual scene unfolds. Being one.

I drive back to Virginia Beach and recollect.

She texts me, "You're a 70's fox! Imma 60's cat! < 3"

Sleep 4 a.m. 

---

[i] Images by me or Ana.

Thursday March 13 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

I recall being out in the sun longer than I wanted to – the fear of sunburn.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 1:20 p.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Meeting with Jes and a guy named Ben at Old VA Mortgage to discuss financing options for my house hunt.

Egg Sandwich with Mayo and Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Homemade Salsa. White Green Tea with Honey. Milk Chocolate.

Working out at the gym.

Apple.

Darren strolls in after a shift at Whole Foods. He grabs his handle of vodka and we jet it out to Norfolk for a rock show at The Iguana featuring Pissghetti, Honorary Girl, J. Flax and the Heart Attacks, and The Milkstains. It's a typical local show – a decent crowd – Darren buys me a not-so-great-tasting Rolling Rock on draft – Ana looks exceptionally attractive tonight with black thigh-high socks, black shorts, a yellow blouse with black polka-dots, Egyptian-like makeup around her eyes, and a very cool biker jacket. We all mingle around with our friends at the table and standing when the bands perform – nobody dares to dance until the very end.

Darren and I are waiting at the stoplight to turn onto the interstate when Stephanie calls me to tell me Ana locked her keys in her car with it running again. Luckily, we decided to keep a spare key in my car in case this ever happened again. So we make a u-turn, even though there's a No U-Turn sign, and drive back to The Iguana to help. Ana of course is embarrassed when we arrive.

Ana: "It always happens when I get too excited – that's when I do something clumsy."

...

Back at the house Darren and I enjoy slices of a Brother's Cheese Pizza with Spinach. Kevin and Josh are hanging around the table. Ana's here. Eventually, her and I escape to my room and plop right down on the bed. Normally, I would meddle with things on the computer before I lie down, like to upload pictures or reflect on the night, but as soon as I feel the comfort of being under the covers with Ana I can't possibly bring myself to get out of bed. We just lie there talking about this and that. There's a conflict about sex that we attempt to work through – expressing our feelings on the situation – things should just happen naturally – she's afraid that maybe we're just not sexually compatible but I don’t think that's true. A lot of it has to do with energy and the heat of the moment. You can't just create those moments out of the blue. After some mildly harsh emotions are worked through we cuddle together. I hear her whisper softly..."I love you." I reciprocate in my head and fall asleep.

---

[i] Images by me.

Wednesday March 12 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

At a bank. I run into James's dad, Richard. For some reason it's understood in the dream that we are always running into each other in random places. I'm not even surprised to see him. "It's like ad nauseam. It's not even interesting anymore," I say to Richard. He grins and we exchange a handshake. He leaves. I'm still at the counter with the lady clerk. I'm supposed to make a cash deposit but I need to count all my money first. I start dismantling this old school calculator because it's broken – and until it gets fixed I can't count my money. I don't know why I can't just manual count the bills but it feels important to me. The lady clerk patiently waits while I use a screwdriver and take apart this ancient counting machine.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk. Tangelo.

All day shift at China Wok.

Tortilla Chips with Homemade Salsa. White Green Tea with Honey. Banana.

Today's one of those days where almost every customer ordering for delivery lives a billion miles away. Order after order in complete opposite directions – racking up the miles on my odometer.

Fiberful Chocolate Peanut Butter Granola Bar.

Apple.

At the most fragile hour at the restaurant Ana appears. She can tell I'm super preoccupied behind the counter. It's the dinner rush. She understands. Eventually, I grab four orders and we hit the road.

I tell her, "Man, you showed up at the most stressful time. Cecily was yelling at me to get more fried rice from the back – Janice [the 6-year-old] is taking her precious time punching in the credit card numbers – and I have to adjust the price because she can't read where it says the customer has a $2 off coupon – then the phones are ringing non-stop – people are walking in for pickup orders – and that's when you walked in."

Her presence while I'm working provides a breath of fresh air but sometimes I wish she didn't have to see me like this...when I'm stressed.

While dealing with general traffic problems it starts to rain and the windows fog up a little making it difficult to see the road.

I explain to Ana, "It's never just one thing; it's always one thing after the other."

Delivering to Hill Meadow. Two dudes about my age answer the door. One of them is sitting at the bottom of the stairs holding a brown-haired pit bull – the dog is upright with his legs in the air and his stomach showing – and licking the air in desperation for affection. One of the guy's comments on my purple Rockingham basketball shirt and explains they're both from Rockingham. I explain that I'm not and that it's just a t-shirt.

After the late-night deliveries die down Ana and I are able to share our meals together. She gets orange tofu and I get Garlic Tofu, all with Broccoli, Onions, Carrots, and Rice of course.

Milk Chocolate.

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Friden EC-130 Electronic Calculator (1963).

Tuesday March 11 2014

[i]

Waking up around 1:30 p.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Errands.

Darren pops in to have a drink and makes some lunch. I sit down with him for my own lunch: Egg. Tortilla Chips with Homemade Salsa.

He tries to argue/examine with me the story in the bible where Jesus fed 5,000 people with only two fish and five loaves of bread.

Darren: "Okay so all of sudden I'm just supposed to believe that all these nigga's got fed on two fish and—"

Me: "Yeah it was a miracle. It was one of the miracles that he did."

Darren: "How is that a miracle?! No one along the way was like How did this bread get cut and it's just refilled? Like, were there people at the gathering that didn't get food? Did Jesus know how many people were at the gathering and did he just like keep a tally in his head?

Me: "I think he did, dude. He's Jesus."

Darren: "No. I think that these miracles could have been at least better. I can deal with being religious but you gotta learn to take modern knowledge and adapt your religion to it."

Me: "Yeah but the whole thing with Jesus is that he was above all that. That was the whole idea of Jesus. He performed miracles that were outside the laws of physics. I don't wanna talk about religion anymore."

Darren: "You just wanna eat an egg."

Me: "Yeah I just wanna eat this egg and enjoy this salsa."

At the Rec Center for adult basketball. It's not as many people tonight because the weather is warm and most of them are probably outside playing somewhere. I get my cardio in with no breaks between games. It's a good workout.

Orange.

Ana stops by after hanging out with some girlfriends at the gym – mainly enjoying the hot tub and such. We talk for a little over an hour in my room by the bedroom door. She never seems to make it past the door – I don't know why. There's some minor but important problems between her and I. The biggest one is that she is a tough clam to open up – to be able to spill her true desires and thoughts to me is hard sometimes. And the other seems to be sex. We don't have "enough" of it – maybe once a week is normal but then again we usually only see each other twice or three times a week. It's not that I don't want to have sex it's just that she doesn't make the moves, and unless I make the moves it's not happening. In comparison to the last love in my life (Margot)...Margot was never once afraid to let me know how she feels and if she wanted to have sex we had sex. That kind of personality trait had its downsides though. Ana isn't like this at all. But I know she has plenty of sexual energy brewing inside her because she tells me after the fact, like after she leaves for the night or the next morning. I know it's a two-way street. But I want to be seduced sometimes too. After she leaves for the night I get texts communicating her frustrations in this matter. It's good that we have a dialogue about it. And I know in time she'll become more assertive. There's no reason for her to be without confidence because we're both attracted to each other and we want to be in this relationship for keeps.

Coffee with Coconut Creamer.

Haddock Filet with Bok Choy, Carrots, and Quinoa.

Watching Eden (2012).

Chocolate.

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes. Painting by Lambert Lombard.

Monday March 10 2014

[i]

Waking up around 1 p.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats.

Setting up the theater downstairs – testing out the sound.

Banana.

Shooting around on the basketball courts near Mill Dam and First Colonial. It's the perfect temperature and only a mild breeze.

Scrambled Eggs with Tomatoes. Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Black Tea with Honey. Everything Pretzel Thins.

At The Escape working out with Ana. I notice a look of frustration on her face while she operates the elliptical. I hand her my iPod and hit play – it helps boost her energy and morale.

It's the hot hour in the kitchen – everyone's in here with their own task at hand. Ana's mixing up a batch of those Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Oat Bites. Darren's making a peanut butter banana sandwich. Josh is juicing celery. And I'm cooking dinner: Honey Beer Glazed Black Beans with Tomatoes, Onions, and Rice.

Movie Monday. Josh, AJ, Will, Kevin, Moe, and Darren are present. Tonight's film we're featuring American Hustle (2013). But before we begin we present Kevin's infamous video from last night where he passes out on camera. American Hustle was an impressive movie – great 70's soundtrack – superb performances (mostly improvised acting according to IMDB).

After the movie Moe, Darren, and Bostic set up camp in the living room. Upstairs in my room Ana curls up under the covers. I sit down next to her. We talk and talk and talk. We don't get the opportunity to talk often about anything and everything because we normally only see each other twice a week – and phone conversations...well, we don't like talking on the phone much. I personally don't like the phone experience. Anytime she spends the night it's here in this bed that we're able to analyze our lives and share perspectives. And so we go on and on...into the wee hours of the morn.

---

[i] American Hustle still.

Sunday March 9 2014

[i]

Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Delivering an order to Skylark Drive. It's an upgrade from a trailer house but still a trailer nonetheless. I'm greeted by two large barking dogs. Without warning, a lady in her 50's reaches over and hugs me. "See guys? He's friendly!" she exclaims to her dogs then looks at me and says, "I have to do this otherwise that one would eat you." She hugs at least two more times to get the point across.

Egg Sandwich with Mayo and Tomato. Edamame Thins. White Green Tea with Honey.

The day continues slowly but surely. Ling's in New York so it's just Ming and Cecily at the restaurant. All the deliveries are my responsibility today.

Fiberful Peanut Butter Chocolate Granola Bar.

It's been an awfully slow day compared to the past week. At some point I'm sitting down waiting for the phones to ring.

"You can't control what your heart tells ya. People's outlooks change," says a man at another table sitting across from a dirty-blonde-haired girl in her 30's, maybe even younger. I recognize him and her from a few deliveries I made at the oceanfront to an independent electronics store. She's obviously pregnant. Her attire: All white Nike sneakers with at least a 2-inch sole, skin tight black jeans, black and white sports jacket with a gray hood – she's attractive, but attractive in a ghetto fab girl kind of way – her hair in a ponytail opening up her face to reveal these wide eyes that scream a general contempt for anything in front of her. She's the self-absorbed kind of woman that says the word "whatever" in every sentence. But her voice isn't loud or anything. I listen to her confide in this man. I don't understand their relationship. Is she a girlfriend? Is that her dad, brother, or cousin? There's only a hint of sweetness in her words but gosh I can sense that judgment all over her. Maybe my judgments against her spring from the fact she didn't tip me that time ago. 

Honey Crisp Apple.

Ana rolls in shortly after 9 p.m. I wasn't expecting to see her so it's a nice surprise. While tagging along on a few deliveries she explains her frustration with herself still not feeling comfortable enough to tell me everything or talk about everything. For instance, recently she's been planning to take drum lessons and for some reason she doesn't want to talk about it with me for fear of...well honestly I don't know why. I don't see myself as this overly critical person. I explain, "I don't feel I'm ever judgmental of you and I'll always be supportive of anything you want to try or do. I think you're talented. And you're kind of like me because you like to do a lot of different things. We're similar in that way. I just want you to feel comfortable to tell me anything!" We're dating and should be able to talk about anything with each other.

Off work.

A girl walks in the front door almost immediately after me. She approaches me in the kitchen and says, "Sorry for just barging in here. I just needed somebody to make me feel loved." Then, she leans in for a hug. What is it with hugs from strangers today? I recognize her as one of Jessica's friends. Sydney is her name, like the capital of Australia.

"Well there's plenty of people here that will love you!" I say. I escort her up the stairs and into Jessica's room.

Enjoying Tofu with Broccoli, Onions, Carrots, and Rice in Garlic Sauce.

Ana sends me a Facebook message...

"I just want to apologize for my bad attitude towards you when I got to china wok and when you first brought up the topic about the drums. After talking it through and you clarifying that you are supportive and that you would support me in everything I realized how awfully silly I have been acting towards you. I have been feeling extremely defeated lately and especially last night on my drive home as I went through the long list of things I need to improve in my life.

We have been in a relationship for some time now, and I know that you are one of the strongest shoulders that I should feel completely comfortable to lean on because you are one of the most accepting persons that I do know. I guess it's just this fear in me that I still hold over me, an invisible wall. If anything, I'm so lucky that you're so understanding. You melted me into softness.

It really made me feel better when you said that you would help me out in getting a drum kit together. It was such an uncomfortable topic. It's just uncomfortable for me to ask you for help, especially when it comes to music because you are a musician full of natural talent and experience. Me on the other hand, not so experienced. I do love that we both share the same love for music. I hold that at a high value within our relationship.

I'm not sure if my emotions/thoughts have heightened this year because of realizations or my age or the antibiotics or the birthcontrol or maybe it's all of those things combined. Regardless of the reason, I am trying my best not to be this negative energy ball. I think it is a good thing that you're honest with me... honest enough to tell me the negative energy I gave you in the car and as I entered the wok.

I want to grow myself. I want our closeness to grow along with our lives... I want us to move forward individually and as a unit. I sometimes lose sight of that desire, but it is a strong desire of mine that you already know.

This relationship of ours is extraordinary, and I feel you have a lot to do with that.

I'm lucky. Everyday I am lucky. You're a good person.

My drive home felt full of happiness and hope.

Also I'm SOSOSOSOOOOSOOSOS happy that we exercise and sing together. When you came out and told me of 'the plans' [tomorrow's plans of us going to the gym and then singing]... I felt this enthusiastic little person dance inside of me.

And

I love you."

Downstairs, I fix a drawer in the kitchen and clean behind the stove and the fridge looking for any opening the roaches could be coming from. Meanwhile, I hear an unusual thump from upstairs. Oh, it's just Kevin – he's drunk. But he's a little more than drunk. Apparently, Josh gave him a small dosage of Ativan too. I've never seen Kevin like this – he staggers about his room – we can hear him. It almost seems he's just throwing his body against the walls – very odd. I confront him and confiscate the remaining alcohol. This is K-Moore in his finest moment. The passing out at the end is unscripted and completely real...

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.

Saturday March 8 2014

[i]

Waking up at 10:45 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats.

All day shift at China Wok.

The sun is shining bright and invites me to take off my jacket and enjoy its brilliant rays on my driving arm.

I clobber down two hefty no-bake Almond Chocolate Granola Bars, the recipe Ana and I tried out last night. I'm not one to use extreme statements to describe experiences but these granola bars are the best granola bars I've ever had.

Nothing stressful or unusually upsetting about today's deliveries, except for one incident where I almost plowed into the back of a car of whom the lady driving it decided to slam on the brakes at the sight of a semi-truck making a right-hand turn in ANOTHER LANE. Everything in my passenger seat fell to the floorboards including all the coins in my mug. People's actions are so unnecessary sometimes. Inefficiency kills me.

Everything Pretzel Thins.

Banana.

Off work and back home.

Mongolian Chicken with Vegetables and Rice.

Watching The Dancer Upstairs (2002).

Organizing my thoughts and reflections.

Sleep at 4 a.m.

---

[i] The Dancer Upstairs.

Friday March 7 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

At a relative's house, I go to explore the backyard where there's this beautiful garden. Behind a fence I discover a lizard-frog hybrid about the size of a football with long dangly legs. He croaks at me with hostility. For some reason he doesn't like me out here. He hops after me but I'm able to elevate myself above the ground away from harm. I gain so much altitude that I land in a neighbor's yard.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 2 p.m.

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Almond Meal, Brown Sugar, and Blueberries.

At Target buying a new shower curtain, basketball shorts, slippers, and a cereal container.

Vegetarian Pizza. Black Tea with Honey.

Watching World's Greatest Dad (2009).

Now that I'm officially recovered from illness I head over to the neighborhood gym for a decent workout – the sauna – running – a few ab/core exercises.

I arrive home and Ana's arrived before me. Soon after we're locked in the bedroom with the lights dimmed. It's imperative that we have sex. I've got a lot of making up to do since I was sick this past week and opportunities were lost. Now my blood is flowing at a healthy revitalized pace. I have strength. I have power...the power to woo her...the power to pleasure her.

...

Downstairs, we try out this new recipe we found for a no-bake granola bar with only five ingredients: dates, peanut butter, honey, oats, and almonds. We throw in some chocolate chips and vanilla. They turn out splendidly.

...

I put on an old iTunes playlist and "On Your Way" an Album Leaf song comes on. I recall a fond memory to Ana that I always associate with this song.

"I was on the first tour with Mae – a big tour bus. They had this room in the very back of the bus where you could turn up the music really loud and it wouldn't bother anybody sleeping in the bunks. I remember sitting back there alone. It was really late. I hadn't gone to sleep yet and the sun was coming up. This song came on and I remember looking out the window out on farmland – who knows where we were – and it was just a great moment, a beautiful moment."

...

Sharing Barbecue Garlic Salmon with Rice and a Mixed Greens Salad with Strawberries and Carrots.

[ii]

Josh gives me a dumpster diving heads up. They just had to throw out $800 worth of food about to expire at Trader Joe's. So Ana and I drive over there. It seems the word got out to somebody else because we find two dudes with a minivan sifting through boxes of product. They look like descendants of Kenneth, both of them wearing jump suits and headlamps. We join in and help organize the finds. There's at least ten boxes lined up on the curb full of bread loaves, apples, oranges, bananas, basil, tomatoes, eggs, etc.

...

Meanwhile, another heads up from Josh via text...

"I hear the goons giggling uncontrollably, I think they broke into your room. No rush back, but you'd think Kevin would know the meaning of the word 'retribution'. 'Cover your tracks dude, now!' I hear. Pretend you don't know. Serve justice swiftly."

While we were dumpster diving free food for the house, Kevin and Richie start up an ongoing prank game of sabotaging each other's rooms. Somehow Richie found a way to break into my room (my guess is with a butter knife) – they moved a few things around, turned objects upside down, relocated things to unconventional places, but more severe they hacked my Facebook account changing my profile picture to an image of some obscene near-naked pot-bellied man and submitted a status update that I didn't even bother reading. Of course, there's a number of "likes" from Facebook friends – I hope they got the joke. I immediately delete the internet mischief. This is a blatant violation of my privacy. But I'm not too mad. I clean it up. Before Kevin finds out that I already discovered the prank I dart into his room and conduct my own sabotage by flipping over his mattress, stealing a few beers, and hiding his only light bulb. Eventually, we call a truce with an official handshake.

Earlier, I heard Kevin and Richie drunkenly cooking eggs. Now that everyone's gone to sleep I figure I should inspect the kitchen, put away dishes, etc. Of course, there's an egg mess everywhere – egg shells cracked all over the counter – bowls of scrambled eggs left out with a baguette of soggy french bread soaking in water on the stove – vandalized pictures by Richie using red paint. And of course, those pesky little roach critters are crawling around the food debris. I clean up in disappointment.

Sleep at 4ish a.m.

---

[i] Bicicleta Sem Freio. 
[ii] Image by Kevin Moore.

Thursday March 6 2014

[i]

Waking up around 12:30 p.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk and extra Granola. Juice.

The maintenance guy shows up to help pull out the dishwasher so we can cover up any cracks and openings where these baby roaches have probably been coming out of. He sprays some sea foam on the floor.

Egg Sandwich with Tomato and Mayo. Edamame Thins. Banana. White Green Tea with Honey.

There's still an ache lingering in my body. I thought it'd be gone by today. Despite I force myself to give the gym a chance. There's adult basketball tonight and I've missed it for far too long. On the court I'm a beast the first few games. Slinging in baseline buckets right and left. One game gets tied up in the last 30 seconds. I perform a critical steal mid-court giving our team possession that leads to a winning shot. I love basketball. Always will.

The last of the leftover Lentils and Vegetables with Basmati Rice and Sourdough Bread.

Watching Monsters (2010).

Ugh. I feel so fragile right now sitting here at the computer. I pop a few generic pain reliever/fever reducer pills (Acetaminophen) and rub some tiger balm on my sore muscles.

Research and enjoying music from days of old. My room is a sanctuary and library of memories.

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.

Wednesday March 5 2014

[i]

Waking up at 2:45 p.m. feeling ten times better than yesterday but not 100% just yet.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk. Juice.

I feel good enough to leave the house and shop for groceries.

Leftover Lentils, Vegetables, and Rice with Sourdough Rolls and Honey Green Tea.

Watching 12 Years a Slave (2013).

Tweaking and general plant maintenance.

Ana sends me an article on work ethic and inspiration. She applauds me for my commitment to the blog writing, "I think that what you do is great and that you've stuck to what you've been doing for years as something that you've made necessary... your craft."

“A self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood.”

Getting lost in research and reading.

Kevin walks into my room after just getting off work.

He asks me point blank, "Have you ever seen it rain in the house, Robert?"

There's a grin on his face like he's planning to do something crazy next.

Me: "What? I don't understand the joke, Kevin."

"Well I'm gonna make it rain!" he exclaims as he tosses a wad of twenty dollar bills into the air – his rent money scattered about my room.

After realizing how difficult it is to gather all the bills he says, "That was probably not a good idea."

Me: "That was probably the most stupidest thing I've ever seen you do."

Kevin: "You obviously don't know me very well."

Me: "I've lived with you the past three years. I know you."

Blueberries. Banana. Honey Black Tea.

Finishing the movie.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Applesauce.

Getting lost in a string of interesting articles and links. The digital distractions of our modern times I feel impedes me from mastering any craft other than being a sponge.

Sleep 5 a.m.

---

[i] Wagons trundle along Manhattan streets past a YMCA clock sing (circa late 19th century).

Tuesday March 4 2014

[i]

Waking up around 2 p.m. I'm not feeling 100% – body still feels weak – it's some kind of flu. But I'm not completely useless. Ana just got a call from Whole Foods. They want to interview her at 3:30. I test her knowledge of diets cause that's what they asked Darren when he interviewed for the job.

Peanut Butter Oat Bites with fresh squeezed Orange Juice.

Ana brings back home a few things from the store for me to use in a Lentil and Vegetable Soup. I throw in anything I can: Carrots, Celery, Onions, Garlic, Ginger, Tomatoes, and Peppers. Toasting some Sourdough Bread to go with it – and Green Tea. I set up a tray of all the goodies on the bed. We watch Gravity (2013) and fill our bellies with the delicious hearty meal.

The goal today is just to rest. My body is still achy and my head feels like a balloon. I feel bad because I'm pretty much physically useless to Ana but I know she understands. She's here for moral support.

Her mom calls. She answers.

Ana: "Guess what? I had an interview today at Whole Foods."

Mom responds with something unintelligible.

Ana: "Whole Foods."

She turns the conversation on speaker, "Oh! Does it look like Wal-Mart?"

Ana: "No. It does not look like Wal-Mart."

Josh had to battle his own sickness the past three days. He does a cold water extraction of Vicodin; it's supposed to remove all the liver damaging chemicals in it and return it to a pure opiate form. He shares the mixture with me.

Ana and I continue to hole up in the bedroom. We each have our respective quiet time. While I research and write at my computer desk she fills out a loan application and writes in her journal. Sharing a Peanut Butter Bagel with a Banana. And continuing to sip on Tea with Apple Cider Vinegar and Honey. A poppy French band from the 60's called Chantal Goya entertains us.

I stay awake until 4 in the morning reading and writing. Those opiates had a positive effect on my body. Eventually I join Ana in the bed. After some prying I'm able to get her to finish a question she started muttering.

Essentially she asks, "Why do you love me?"

"That's not the right question," I explain. "Because I just love you. A deep enough bond has formed over the past year to the point where I feel like I can truly say I love you. Maybe what you're really asking is 'What do you love about me?'

Zzzzzz.

---

[i] Image by me.

Monday March 3 2014

[i]

Waking up around 11 a.m.

Peanut Butter Oat Bites. Coffee with Coconut Creamer.

All day shift at China Wok.

I feel sickly – body is a little weak and feverish but nothing I can't put up with since I have to work. I pop an Ibuprofen and sip on lots of liquids.

Egg Drop Soup with Crunchy Noodles. Tomato Basil Focaccia Bread. Applesauce.

It's dramatically colder than yesterday, like in the 20's. Virginia Beach is the only place I know where you can experience warm summer weather one day and then tomorrow strap on a winter coat to protect yourself from a snowstorm. It starts hailing, but the ice crystals are small enough to resemble caviar. This sleet on the road creates much more dangerous driving conditions than the previous snowstorms. I take it easy on turns when the wheels start grinding through thick patches. Spinning out a few times is expected but I've already learned what to do when this happens – don't force the steering wheel – don't slam on the brakes – don't panic. I've been doing this job long enough that I conduct everything with a sense of indifference anyway.

Fiberful Peanut Butter Chocolate Granola Bar.

Even though I'm sick I keep gaining second winds of endurance and energy. And I can't complain because the customers are mostly generous considering the snowfall – at least five $10 tips in total – I'm eternally grateful.

Mediterranean Salad with Falafel. 

Finally it all ends – my work weekend is over. When I arrive home Ana and Will are chatting at the table. Will baked $4 Pizzas to which I have a few slices of. Ana baked delicious Brownies using coconut oil – how could I resist nabbing at least two pieces. We were supposed to have a movie night but then the snow happened and Moe is already watching something in the living room. Ana announces she's going upstairs to nap. While I juice some oranges and clean the dishes Will and I discuss the validity of conspiracy theories – the imbalances in the work force – the value of the dollar compared to the value of a skill – struggles for a coming-of-age 20-something.

Me: "And I'm about to be a 30-something. So I feel like I have to start living like a 30-something."

Ana's acting restless in bed when I join her. But eventually we drift off to dreamland.

---

[i] Images by me.

Sunday March 2 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

JNCO's: Out of town I get stuck somewhere without my luggage. A friend of a friend offers me a few pairs of jeans. I look inside to find those fat-legged JNCO jeans I used to wear in high school with a reflector green strip down the side. I explain to my friend next to me that I'm gonna bring this style back.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 11 a.m.

No-Baked Oatmeal Raisin Bites. Coffee with Coconut Creamer.

All day shift at China Wok.

69 degrees out. There's a hope in the air today...Hope with a capital 'H'. The sun's rays are welcoming and a refreshing breeze flows gracefully through my open car windows. The first few tips are generous, a stark contrast from yesterday's misfortune.

Orange Juice. Egg Drop Soup with Crunchy Noodles.

Ana stops by wearing her gym attire, her hair slicked back and in a ponytail – no bangs. I'm surprised to see her forehead; it's a rare occasion.

Me: "Wow. I'm not used to seeing you like that. I like it."

She's gonna be taking her vacation time at work at the end of the month. I throw out the idea of traveling to Blacksburg with friends to hike some trails and visit Becca. Of course, it's understood we'll get haircuts too considering Becca cuts all our friend's hair.

Strawberry Greek Yogurt.

Chic Pea Salad with Cheese Bread.

Off work at a decent hour.

Broccoli, Carrots, and Rice.

Watching Best Man Down (2013).

I was starting to feel a scratch in my throat, nothing too serious, but a possible sickness coming on. Sipping on Apple Cider Vinegar Tea with Honey would help.

Sleep 3 a.m.

---

[i] Rambutan - Inverted Summer LP.

Saturday March 1 2014

[i]

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

As I'm about to pour a bowl of Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats I discover the almond milk that I have is bad. This is the second time this has happened. I eat what I can and gulp down some fresh squeezed Orange Juice. Little do I know this minor catastrophe will be a bad omen for the rest of my day.

All day shift at China Wok.

Fiberful Peanut Butter Chocolate Granola Bar.

Peanut Butter Naan Bread. Honey Black Tea.

Nothing is in my favor. It's one of those days where it feels like I could be making the same money simply sitting down and doing nothing. I keep getting stuck with crappy deliveries. But really, almost everyone is pinching pennies today. The rhythm of tips have been: stiff, 1 dollar, 2 dollar, stiff, 1 dollar, 2 dollar, stiff-1-2, stiff-1-2, and so it goes. I see so much ignorance I can't stand it. I conjure up any negative adjective I can think of but when you get down to it the word "shitty" describes it best. Everything about my job is becoming annoyingly predictable. I keep experiencing it as a struggle but the disciplined part of me wants to see it as a challenge to improve myself, to practice patience, and to learn to tame this temperament.

Apple.

In light of all the bad energy and bad luck it's caused me to really reconsider keeping this job. This job has run it's course and run dry I feel. I've hit the bottom of the Chinese food chain. There's nowhere else to go. I've already mastered the craft of delivery driving. There's no more room for promotion. It's not like I'm gonna be the manager of China Wok in the future. It's run by the Chinese family and that will never change. If I choose to stay working as a delivery driver then that is what I'll always be. It's definitely been a fairly lucrative job compared to the majority of work around here. So for that I am grateful. But if I want to buy a house or build a studio then I need a new career.

Mixed Nuts with Raisins.

Ana wanted to talk for a bit so I call her while driving on a long run. She describes her uncomfortable experience at the mall, a place she does not frequent, and how she didn't want to be in close proximity with anybody.

Ana: "I feel like I've been judging people today."

Me: "Yeah! I've been judging all day!"

After a whopping 12 hours of work I finally resign to my room.

Mongolian Chicken with Mixed Vegetables.

Watching What Just Happened? (2008).

Settling down and trying to decompress.

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Tim Biskup.