Tuesday February 2 2010

[i]

1:30pm I wake up.

Dream: I’m driving someone else’s car down a street right after it snowed the day before. A little kid throws a snowball at me hitting just the window. As I drive away, I’m able to scoop up a ball of snow and throw it at the kid’s back. Someone warned me beforehand he would cry if that happened. And he did.

For breakfast, hot Oat Bran Cereal with Cinnamon and Blueberries, Orange Juice, and Zinc and Vitamin E.

I stretch and listen to some new music.

I drive to my parent’s old house to check if my tax statements came in the mailbox. As I’m out, I hit up a few thrift stores.

I have a Verizon mystery shop to do in Town Center. I notice the sales associate that assists me is the same one I had before at another Verizon mystery shop. I had forgotten how comforting her voice is. I don’t think she remembers me. I feel so relaxed just listening to her speak, “What’s your address so I can see what services are available in your area?” I feel no physical attraction towards her but her personality and confidence shines. It’s the same feeling I get when I’m standing in the shower letting that hot water envelope me. What a great sales associate.

Dinner: Ginger Chicken, Broccoli, and Rice.

Margot and I watch Lars And The Real Girl [2007]. A great concept for a story.

Coffee and Chocolate Funfetti Cake.

NBA Jam with Art: 3-2

I scarf down a few Sourdough Rolls with Butter.

There is a delusion of happiness. Who is ever actually happy? You’re missing something. You will spend your whole life searching for it, or rather learning about it. There’s something bigger…a bigger responsibility pulling at me and I don’t know what it is. So serious. Relax. These people…all these people…all around me…all the time…I love them…I hate them…I need them…I need you.

---

[i] “Le Saut dans le vide” [The Leap into the Void], 5, rue Gentil-Bernard, Fontenay-aux-Roses, October 1960. Yves Klein.

Monday February 1 2010

[i]

12:20pm I wake up.

My dream: There’s all of these people on a giant hill. They’re a part of some secret society in the woods near by. One of their traditions is to meet on this particular hill. I’m with Josiah and we walk with our horses to meet with the leader. Our purpose there is to retrieve something. But we can’t let them know about it.

My milk went sour so I settled for a Bagel with Cream Cheese and Orange Juice for breakfast with Zinc and Vitamin E.

Edwin moved out of the house today and we have a new roommate, Kyle King.

I buy some groceries and go to a few thrift stores and find some drinking glasses and a silverware tray for the house.

Lunch: toasted Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly Sandwich with Baked Lay’s and Honey Green Tea.

I sell my parent’s gas range stove.

I eat Tomatoes, Basil, and Mozzarella in Balsamic Vinegar. Also with Edamame Soybeans and Rice.

I sit in my room and organize my music. I think about how completely safe I feel when listening to music.

I sift through some dream files I have of other’s and my own.

---

[i] Music in Tune by Phil Gray.

Sunday January 31 2010

[i]

I wake up around 12:30pm.

Dream: We’re having some kind of show at the house, but the house is much bigger with more rooms and it’s unfamiliar to me. As I’m sitting on the back porch there are neighbors standing outside in their backyard with puzzled looks on their faces. I assume it’s because of all the loud music going on inside our house. The music I hear is of some hardcore band and I can distinctly remember what it sounds like. I step inside the house through the back porch door and walk a long route to the living room. On the way I see two pianos in a room. I remind myself I need to tweak and play them sometime soon. I go in the living room and it’s enormous, almost like a small concert hall. I sit with a few friends on the couches. There aren’t a lot of people there. A DJ is directing the show claiming it is Show N Tell night, which I didn’t understand because we just had Show N Tell the night before. A pop rock band starts playing and they didn’t sound good. I remember seeing them in another dream and not liking them. Ashley Byrne tries to sit down next to me. I offer her a seat next to a friend behind me. I tell her, “He matches you better because he’s from The Philippines.”

I make hot Oat Bran Cereal with Cinnamon for breakfast with Orange Juice and Zinc and Vitamin E.

We had a Snow Day Lock-In last night and a lot of people slept over along with my parents.

Lunch: toasted Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly Sandwich with Baked Lay’s and Honey Green Tea.

My parents have to catch a plane around 4pm. So I see them off.

Work at China Wok: While I’m waiting for orders to deliver a black lady with mismatched shoes sits down to eat in the restaurant. I’ve seen her a few times before. She orders chicken wings with chicken-fried rice. While eating she calls her granddaughters on the phone: “Hello?”…“Hellooo?”…“Where your sista at?”…“Why dontcha talk to your grandmama?”…“I’m eatin’ Chinese food”…“I luyoo grandma!”…“I luyoo too”…

Bad Weather = Good Tips.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein.

The moon, big and bright, startles me as I’m driving.

A few warm Sour Dough Rolls with Butter.

I apologize for my inability to be inviting and fun. I really could act happier that you’re here. I could show more interest. I could be more humble and less selfish.

Coffee and Brownies.

NBA Jam with Art.

These questions cycle through my head: How private should privacy be? Is it necessary to be completely open with the public and with friends? Should some things be kept secret? Does everyone need to know all the details? What would total uninhibited honesty do to such a cryptic and cagey society?

---

[i] China Wok OPEN. Image by me.

Saturday January 30 2010

[i]

I wake up around noon.

In my dream I am driving my van to go pick up my parents. For some reason I’m going through buildings and malls in sketchy parts of town where along the side are scattered people. A few of them step out in front of my van intentionally and mock me. I keep driving onward knowing they will move when I get closer and they do.

I make hot Oat Bran Cereal with Cinnamon but no Blueberries (I ran out). I drink Immune Defense.

Snow covers the ground outside the house and its beautiful.

Everybody comes over bringing their boogie boards and we go to The Cavalier, an old hotel built in the 1927. There are a few steep hills to slide down. A few employees of the hotel come out and yell at us, telling us to leave claiming it is private property. One of them is very rude to us and calls Rocky names. A fight almost starts. We leave and settle for a hill off the First Colonial Road ramp on I-264. FUN.

My parents are in town and my Mom cooks Chicken and Dumplings with green beans for all of us.

I make snow cream:

[ii]

I work at China Wok for an hour or so.

Peach Cobbler and a bunch of movies, Wayne’s World, Jurassic Park, Saved!, The Matrix, Big Fish.

There’re a lot of people here at the house. I feel a little reclusive and stay in my room with some Black Currant tea. I read the Bible and a little bit of Notebooks of a Naked Youth.

[iii]

---

[i] Snow Porch. Image by me.

[ii] Snow Cream. Image by me.

[iii] Icicle. Image by me.

Friday January 29 2010

[i]

I wake up at 12pm to sell a water cooler and then go back to sleep.

I wake up again at 1:24pm to find out my roommate Emily just got into an accident with her new car. Her front bumper is gone. She has been in quite a number of car accidents in her lifetime, too many for one person really. I start to think about what causes history to repeat itself e.g. the Kennedy – Lincoln connections, the Vietnam War and the Iraq War. Do people just have bad luck? Or do they make conscious choices that continually bring them to repeat mistakes or misfortune?

I move and organize some things around the house to prepare for tonight’s Show N Tell.

Work at China Wok.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein.

SHOW N TELL! About 30 to 35 people show up. Original poetry, music experimentation, dream sharing, song sharing, day sharing, monologue, jokes, book reading, power point presentation, violin solo, and paintings. It is a success.

Honey Sunshine cereal.

Art and I play NBA Jam again.

---

[i] Show N Tell. Image by me.

Thursday January 28 2010

[i]

11:50am. I wake up a little earlier than usual.

My Dream: I’m riding in the tour van with the Mae guys on this bridge. We just got done doing a show in The Bermuda Triangle (here it wasn’t just a body of water but an island). I observe all these strange occurrences and I try to convince everyone that the island is an anomaly. I point out the floating trees above the water, the blue spherical shield covering the island, and the sudden lightening flashes. Everything about it is surreal.

Breakfast: hot Cinnamon Oat Bran Cereal with Blueberries and Strawberries, Orange Juice, and Zinc and Vitamin E.

I watch Obama’s State of the Union Address on Youtube: an inspiring speech.

I wash clothes.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Baked Lay’s, Honey Green Tea.

Work at China Wok. I get frustrated because people do not understand the concept of tipping a delivery driver.

Dinner: a piece of cold leftover Pizza, Soybeans, and Carrots with Ranch.

Alex Bailey brings over his paintings to display at Show N Tell tomorrow night.

Band practice with Josh, Chad, and Josiah: productive. We continue to work on this new song as well as other Tokyo songs.

Honey Sunshine cereal.

---

[i] Emerald Forest, World of Warcraft. Taken from http://isilmewowproject.blogspot.com/2007/01/emerald-forest.html

Wednesday January 27 2010

[i]

1:53pm I wake up.

I dream that Albert Einstein is staying at our house. He has an attitude and demands Rocky cook him food. He’s very precise about what he wants. Rocky seems timid while she grabs some food on the coffee table and prepares the meal.

Breakfast: a Bagel with Cream Cheese and Orange Juice with Zinc and Vitamin E.

I organize some things in the house and sell a record player and treadmill.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato, Baked Lay’s, and Honey Green Tea.

I go to Lynnhaven Mall to do a mystery shop for Hollister and run into some friends from high school. I realized my high school reunion is 2 years from now.

I stretch, exercise, and dance.

I eat my leftover Bok Choy and Rice dish with an Egg while I watch some of The Bourne Ultimatum [2007]. And for dessert, Breyer’s Vanilla Bean Ice Cream with Chocolate Sauce.

I work out some new songs on guitar.

NBA Jam with Art again.

---

[i] Photo of Albert Einstein playing violin. Associated Press.

Tuesday January 26 2010

[i]

Somewhere between 1:30pm and 2:00pm I wake up.

In my dream it’s nighttime. I have to go to work. I drive up to China Wok and park my car. For some reason my workplace is in a different city. There are 3 or 4 bums roaming around the parking lot. One of them, a black male with distinct freckles on his face, starts talking to me asking for money. I’m worried because I still have $500 on me I forgot to deposit in the bank. I decline, walk in and start taking orders behind the register. It’s very busy. The bum walks in and follows me behind the counter. He’s very persistent and there is something about him that makes me feel uncomfortable. I get the impression he’s attempting to rob and hurt me. There’re a lot of customers in the restaurant. They, nor the Chinese people I work with seem to be bothered by what’s going on. I end up in the back somewhere. Of course the man ends up back there with me. I get angry and explain to him if he doesn’t leave I’m calling the cops. He still keeps talking to me. I pick up the phone and attempt to dial 911 but actually dial 915 or something like that. Eventually I get connected and I can’t give them the address because I don’t know it. I start describing my situation while the man is standing in front of me listening. I start getting emotional and insist I have sympathy for the man.

Breakfast: hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Blueberries and Orange Juice. Also, Zinc and Vitamin E.

I deliver a mattress to a lady on Mount Pleasant Road.

While I’m driving, I eat a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich with Baked Lay’s and Honey Green Tea. After only a minute of setting down my crust in the passenger seat, an ant appears. About two months ago I had an infestation of ants in my van. So seeing a random ant every now and then is quite normal. I learn to accept the ant’s immortality.

While showering, stretching, and exercising I enjoy these songs:

Walkabout (feat Noah Lennox of Panda Bear) – Atlas Sound

Dominos – The Big Pink

Bruises (Passion Pit Remix) – Chairlift

White Sky – Vampire Weekend

M79 – Vampire Weekend

Brooklyn King – Masta Killa

I cook Bok Choy, Onions, Celery, and Rice for dinner with leftover Chicken from Red Lobster.

Megan, Joey, and Josocky (Josiah and Rocky) come over to the house.

Honey Nut Cheerios at Margot’s. After not seeing or conversing for the past week we catch up on the state of our connection. Change. Space. Seasons. Feelings. Happiness. Sexuality. Wants. Needs. Distance Is Healthy. Perspective.

---

[i] Indian Summer, 2004. Michael Parkes.

Monday January 25 2010

[i]

It’s around 1pm. I wake up.

MY DREAM: I’m meeting someone in an abandoned warehouse. The cops (or some kind of government authority) tracks where we are and tries to catch us. I run through the warehouse and make it to the roof. I get a running start and jump off the roof in hopes I can fly away. My technique involves flailing my arms as if I was swimming. The faster I move my arms the higher I soar. Whenever I do this in my dreams I always have a hard time controlling the momentum. I successfully fly off the roof and I can see the authorities following me on ground. I slow my arms down and start to land somewhere but realize they are still close so I keep going. Somehow I fly over this field where Africans are harvesting and selling crops. All of a sudden I’m in the Philippines and Mae is supposed to play a show. I’m in some sort of mall and Dave Elkins is being interviewed in front of a tall stack of TV’s. I’m sitting nearby talking to Jacob Marshall and he explains to me this new trick he learned to do where he dives straight across the ground like a torpedo similar to one of the action moves Rayden can do in Mortal Kombat.

I eat a Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese and Orange Juice. I take Zinc and Vitamin E.

I transport an entertainment center and treadmill to my house.

For lunch: toasted Peanut Butter Sandwich with Baked Lay’s and Peach Yogurt with Strawberries.

Emily and I eat dinner at Red Lobster (I have a gift card I need to use). We split Chicken Linguini Alfredo and a big Chocolate Chip Cookie with Ice Cream. We talk about Love, Existentialism, Religon, Mistakes, Our Friends, Fathers, Forgiveness, Confidence, Being Beautiful, Being Happy, Being Comfortable, Wanting Normalcy, and How Funny It Is When People Assume We Have Hooked Up But We Never Have.

I start watching Persepolis [2007] while I stretch and exercise.

I make Coffee and share some Sampoerna (Indonesian) clove cigarettes with Art, and newly acquainted friends Tarah and Heather in the attic.

I eat buttered Toast with Japanese Sweet Red Bean Spread.

Art and I play NBA Jam to conclude the night. We both break 100 points.

---

[i] An old abandoned warehouse in Toronto. Photo by Mark. Taken from http://www.flickr.com/photos/mark_boucher/127753992/

Sunday January 24 2010

[i]

1:25pm I wake up to my roommate Emily’s annoying cell phone alarm.

IN MY DREAM: I’m with Emily in our room. We’re lying on the floor and talking about how bad of an idea it would be if we kissed or had sex because we live together. “Well…you need it,” she says. She gets on top of me and tries to kiss me. I try to avoid her lips by just nuzzling because I’m very unsure about all of it. Edwin is roaming around the house on the phone. One of his friends is there and I hear Edwin say, “Oh. You’re going to Italy?” Emily is concerned about someone popping in our room. I tell her, “When has anyone ever just barged in the room?” I notice a tattoo just below her left shoulder. It looks like a color photo. It’s of me wearing my brown striped shirt with the lightening bolt along with two other friends I used to know a few years ago. I thought it was strange but I didn’t make mention of it because I figured she didn’t want me to see it.

For breakfast: hot Oat Bran Cereal with Cinnamon and Blueberries along with Orange Juice. I also take Zinc and Vitamin E

I watch a little bit of The Arrival [1996].

I eat a Tuna Sandwich with Baked Lay’s Chips and Avocado.

I work at China Wok 4 to 8.

For dinner: DiGorno Pizza Supreme and Carrots.

I go to my mother’s friend Tammy’s house to retrieve a few more things to sell on Craigslist. She moved out and the house is vacant. While I’m taking apart the treadmill I stop and think about how empty the house is. No life. No presence. It’s a sad feeling.

I have a major headache.

Ambrotious (the cat) lies right beside my face and I listen to his motor run while I finish watching The Arrival.

My eyes feel heavy.

I brush and floss my teeth. Sleep.

---

[i] A magazine cutout. Image by me.

Saturday January 23 2010

[i]

Its 12:56pm. I wake up to my roommate Emily knocking on my window because she’s locked outside of the house.

My dream: There’s an amusement park at night. I’m standing from a distance looking at it as if it was a photograph. There’s a train that streams around the perimeter of the park. Someone yells, “Let’s go to Jakarta!” I have my long board with me. My shoes are off and the asphalt ground is wet as if it had rained recently. I meet someone that works there and he takes me to see the animals. I see three horses in a stable. I walk up and one of them swings their head around bumping my head gently and lovingly. I respond and rub the side of his face. The horse continues to bump his head into mine. It makes me feel tingly and I get goose bumps.

I eat a Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese and Orange Juice along with Zinc and Vitamin E.

I stretch my body.

I work on a few songs with the guitar.

For lunch, a Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Lettuce, Baked Lay’s, and Honey Green Tea.

I work my delivery job at China Wok.

While waiting for orders to be ready at work, I read an excerpt in Adbuster’s magazine and think about this: staying neutral, or doing absolutely nothing within a situation may seem like an easy way to prevent hostility but sometimes can cause even more offense.

I eat Vegetable Lo Mein and an Oreo Blizzard for dinner.

Band practice at the storage unit with Josh and Chad: productive.

I boil Soybeans: delicious.

I talk with my roommate Emily about sex and growing up.

My roommate Art and I play each other in NBA Jam again. He wins the last game of the night.

Good night.

---

[i] Horse on a farm. Image by me.

Friday January 22 2010

[i]

At 1:30pm I wake up. My eyes are heavy. In my dream I’m in the living room with a lot of friends. Wesley, Elliott, Emily, and Margot are there. And I’m sitting next to an unknown person on the couch. It’s late so we start sleeping. I hear the sound of water coming from the kitchen. I go to check it out and there is water draining from the ceiling behind the refrigerator. This is strange because there is no visible holes or cracks in the ceiling. I get angry and yell, “Fuck! Fuck this house!” Everyone wakes up. I grab some buckets from the porch to collect the water but the water is running too fast and I have to keep changing the buckets and dumping them outside. I notice it’s not even raining and it’s morning. I go to move the food pantry out of the way and slowly tip it over to the floor trying not to spill or drop anything. Everybody in the living room starts asking questions out loud to me.

I eat hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Blueberries along with Orange Juice and take Zinc and Vitamin E pills.

I think about the benefits of being literally alone and not giving so much of my energy and attention to people.

I discover that Wawa’s air machine doesn’t cost any money to use.

I stretch.

I eat a Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Lettuce, Baked Lay’s Chips, and Honey Green Tea.

I work my 5 to 9 delivery job at China Wok.

I eat leftover Salmon, Broccoli, and Rice for dinner.

I make a cup of Coffee with Milk and Sugar.

Elliott invites people over to his house for Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight Show.

I eat Applesauce with Cinnamon.

I feel down.

I go to sleep.

---

[i] Upside Down House in the village of Szymbark in Poland.

Thursday January 21 2010

[i]

I wake up around 1 pm.

I ponder a dream I had a few hours ago. In the dream I was supposed to swim in Phil’s pool in the backyard but I didn’t have a towel to dry off in. It was raining softly in the evening. Next door I meet a nice old lady on her roof. She said she likes to watch the rain. She gives me a towel but I’m concerned about it getting wet from the rain as I walk back to Phil’s house.

I eat hot Oatmeal with Blueberries and Cinnamon along with a glass of Orange Juice. I also take Zinc and Vitamin E pills.

The day is rainy and cold.

I clean a couch I have on Craigslist and sell it to a couple.

For lunch, a Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Baked Lay’s chips and a glass of Honey Green Tea.

I work my 5 to 9 delivery job at China Wok.

I eat Vegetable Lo Mein for dinner.

I meet up with someone from Hampton and sell them a refrigerator.

I try to understand a close friend.

I run out of gas near the strip club on Oceana Blvd simultaneously while I am on the phone with Josh who is getting a ticket for a light out on his car. The cops follow him as he drives to his parents to fix it. Band practice is cancelled.

Elliott lends me a gas can to save my van.

I make Japanese Sweet Red Bean Toast and drink Coffee with a little Sugar and Milk.

I play my roommate Art in NBA Jam on Sega. I win all games.

Elliott and I watch National Lampoon’s Vacation [1983].

I eat Popcorn and Dark Chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

I think about my old friends and how they see me as a person now.

I think about miscommunication and the telephone game.

I think about other’s cowardness and the unwillingness to confront people.

I think about your happiness.

I think about how I didn’t listen to any music today.

I shower, brush and floss my teeth, then go to sleep.

---

[i] Image origin unknown.

Wednesday January 20 2010

[i]

It’s around 1pm and I wake up to Rocky tapping on my window to tell me the blank CD I burnt for Josiah wasn't reading. I realize it’s because I used the blank CDs I bought in Indonesia and for some reason they don't work here in America. So I burn another CD while Rocky tells me about a bad dream she had last night.

I eat hot Oat Bran Cereal with Blueberries and Cinnamon with a glass of Orange Juice for breakfast. I also take Zinc and B vitamin pills.

I upload some items on craigslist to sell for my Mom's friend and talk on the phone with a few interested buyers.

I organize some new music I have.

Albums: A Brief History Of Love - The Big Pink

Contra – Vampire Weekend

How Sad, How Lovely – Connie Converse

Songs: Walkabout (feat. Noah Lennox (Panda Bear) – Atlas Sound

Midnight Walk – Barretso

Bruises (Passion Pit Remix) – Chairlift

Comme Des Enfants (Le Matos Andy Carmichael Remix) – Coeur De Pirate

Sing 99 & 90 – Lake

Brooklyn King – Masta Killa

Gardens Of The South – Sleeping States

Red King – Sleeping States

A-Punk – Vampire Weekend

M79 – Vampire Weekend

What’s Going On Mekon? (Jon Carter Remix feat. Roxanne Shant) – Mekon

Olive Me – NOFX

Jellybelly – Smashing Pumpkins

Zero – Smashing Pumpkins

Earth Intruders – Björk

Feel It In My Bones (featuring Tiesto) – Tegan And Sara

I like it when music comes alive to you and makes you think of people and feelings and environments.

I find an old book on dinosaurs I used to read when I was younger.

I stretch my body and exercise.

I eat a Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Salt n Vinegar Chips with a glass of iced Green Tea with Honey.

I watch Roman Polanski’s Chinatown [1973] sporadically throughout the day.

I cook Salmon, Rice, and Broccoli for dinner.

I play my roommate Art in NBA Jam on Sega Genesis.

He wins two games.

I win three games.

I make Coffee with a little Cream and Milk.

I play guitar and try to finish writing a few songs.

The caffeine makes me terribly hungry so I toast a bagel with butter and scarf it down.

I think about these things:

Living without dead time but living slowly and not rushing moments.

My mistakes and other people’s mistakes.

How I effect you. How you effect me.

I’m losing my hair.

I love my Mom.

I start reading Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.

I think about sex.

I go to sleep.

---

[i] Untitled (Penitent Girl) 2002-02 Gregory Crewdson

Desire

Desire.

Desire is what brings you closer.
The object is a means to a satisfaction.
It is nothing without desire.
I am nothing without desire.

thursday october 1 2009 james robert smith
Tallahassee, Florida


Gran O'lopry HOTEL
New Mexico


Larvets Snax
New Mexico


Exxon
New Mexico


Cactus
Scottsdale, Arizona

Sunday August 23 2009 (craigslist)

WOMEN WITH CHILD AT GOODWILL SUPERTHRIFT - m4w - 25 (Goodwill Superthrift VB Blvd)

---

Goodwill Superthrift.
Virginia Beach Boulevard.
Rummaging through the second hand madness.
I brush by you with your child.
Familiar face?
I confirm it’s not.
Ooo. A wall clock for $3.25.
Still attached to it’s box and new.
You’re in my peripheral vision.
Check out this boom box, circa 1984.
Your face is haunting me.
There’s a small bookshelf for $20.
Where did you go?
I dread the thought that you might’ve left.
Look at this massive VHS selection!
Three for a dollar.
Oh. There you are.
Sifting through a shirt rack.
Your beautiful backside is in sight.
And here: the CDs!
An Ace of Base album is expected.
You’re so close to me now.
On my knees exploring the shelf below.
From the waist down,
Your perfectly shaped structure grips my imagination.
It’s time to make my purchase.
I lost you again.
The clerk needs to see my ID.
Thank God! You’re still on perimeter by the door.
Hurry! Finish the transaction.
This is my only chance.
I walk a difficult route to the door.
My blood cells are quivering.
I devise a plan to approach you.
Just do it! Say it!
Those patio chairs are still there for only $6 each.
Hesitation.
My legs feel limp.
What is happening to me?
Is it really necessary?
I attempt another time.
Walking up to you.
Your child catches my eye.
Oh what a find! Cranium for $5.
My heart is pounding a furious jungle beat.
What is wrong with me?
This is not necessary.
Okay. Now or never.
I walk up to you and just say it.
Your eyes are fixed on me.
My nervousness has to be obvious.
Your hair falls on your face like a frozen waterfall.
My words: “excuse me?”
You give me complete attention.
“I…uh…hope you don’t find this creepy…”
My ability to breath is leaving.
“I just wanted to say that…”
Your kid shows a detective-like curiosity.
“I think you’re beautiful.”
It’s out. I said it.
Your reply: “thank you…I don’t find that creepy.”
Where do we go from here?
I spout out a friendly “have a nice day”
And walk away from your content angel face.
Your ego and confidence are high.
My body’s reactions are too much for me to extinguish.
Mission accomplished.
I confessed everything to you.
In my car now.
Legs are numb.
Blood cells regenerating.
Heart is pulsing a mellow waltz.
This is similar to an orgasmic aftermath.
It’s over now.

• Location: Goodwill Superthrift VB Blvd
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1344647270

a trip to the island (entry from July 24 2009

On the plane to Indonesia.
We haven’t even landed
and I can already feel the spirit of the East
with it’s delicate charm.
I see it in the flight attendant’s sweet and pure face.
I taste it in the steaming hot green tea that is served to me.
I hear it in the high tone of the Asian voices around me.
The beauty of these people holds a timeless wonder
that will never seize to attract me.

I’ve got the aisle seat in the midsection of the plane.
Every now and then, the lady sitting next to me
slightly brushes up against my arm.
For some this would be considered annoying or distracting.
But I find it comforting for some reason.
It relaxes me.
Because of the tight proximity, it’s inevitable anyway.
I can’t help but forfeit my territory in response
and just accept the physical connection.

After a long two day trip,
we finally land in Jakarta, Indonesia
right in the middle of the day
when the sun is at it’s hottest.
I am ready for this new foreign world.
As soon as we get through customs
we are greeted by our crew and bodyguards
that will be escorting us throughout our stay.
We are the center of attention.
A camera crew from a television station
greets us with flower lays.
A small interview is given.
Outside the airport a paparazzi crowds around us
as we wait for our ride.

We have to take a three hour van ride to Bandung.
The countryside is beautiful.
Lined along the freeway are small rickety homes and villages.
They almost look like slum villages in India.
I am told by one of the crew that this is the “suburbs”.

We make our first stop.
Ironically, it’s a Starbucks.
We travel halfway across the world
and our first stop in a foreign country
is an American brand food chain.
I walk in the bathroom
and the floor is drenched with water.
I find out that this is because
of a hose attached to the wall near the toilet.
This is a common device found in all Indonesian restrooms.
You use this to clean yourself after you finish your business.
It is only inevitable that this would make the floor so wet.
I did not find the need to use this feature.



We arrive in downtown Bandung.
The streets are flooded with people, cars, motorcycles,
vendors, shops, and cafes.
Motorcycles and scooters make up over half
of the vehicle of choice.
They weave through traffic like a group of ants
rushing and gathering.



Americans stick out like sore thumbs here.
The natives glared at us with curiosity.
Every stare had one question written on their face:
“Why are you here?”
I didn’t see any other tourists around.
The bombings in Jakarta that happened a week before
I’m sure put a damper on tourism.
Even with that slight fear in my mind
I never once felt unsafe or unwelcome,
only the normal uncertainties one would feel
in a foreign land.

The next day we were taken around the city.
It was an adventure.
Watching the chaos
and how the city moves,
it baffles me what keeps this culture and people surviving.
The attitude here is one of pride.
The island keeps them exclusive
like a hidden jewel that the whole world knows about
but never discovers.
Small. Compact. Efficient. The Spirit of Asia.
The Spirit of the East.
I accept.

Los Angeles Catharsis (Entry from Monday May 4 2009)

We're in L.A.
Our hotel is in the business district of downtown.
It's about 1pm and everyone wants to get sushi.
I had just woken up from a long van ride

and I really desired breakfast.
There was an IHOP about 5 blocks away.
I had the perfect breakfast there:

~ two eggs scrambled with american cheese
~ hash browns
~ a strawberry crepe with cream cheese icing
~ orange juice
~ and two partially cooked strips of bacon
(I spared the bacon)

Swine Flu talk was still in the air.
Even though I knew you couldn't catch it from eating pork,
I still chose to not eat it.
Besides I rarely eat pig and its a dirty meat anyway.

I finished my meal

and after reading the LA Weekly decided to leave.
I noticed when I left that I was the only customer there.
Strange.

I walk down the street.
It's a casually busy sidewalk.
A few men with suits.
A few female joggers with their dogs.
An older man with glasses reading a book outside a cafe.

All of a sudden I felt something shift in the air.
I noticed a few guys looking intently down the street further to where I was heading.
Something was happening but I didn't pay any mind to it.
I continued walking.
Then I saw what they were staring at...

Right in the middle of the road,
in the middle of busy lunchtime traffic,
was a fairly young asian woman
(Japanese or Korean, it was hard to tell)
probably in her late 20's or early 30's.
She was wearing plain white sneakers, a short jean skirt,
and a light brown shirt

that had "DIG 4 LIFE" written in orange letters.
In defiance of everyone,

she was waltzing around in front of stopped cars,
rolling and crawling on the ground,
She would open her mouth

and whine like something horrible had just happened to her.
She also started raising her middle fingers at everyone

as if it was our fault for her state of mind.
It was obvious she had no underwear on

because when she sat on the ground
you could see nothing was covering her private area.
At one point she decided to lift up her skirt and shirt up to her neck
displaying her naked body.
I wasn't sure if I should feel repulsed and look away.

I couldn't.
I just kept observing.

All of a sudden she ran into a nearby hotel entrance.
The cops and paramedics finally showed up

and I didn't see her again.
I went on my way back to the hotel.

some highlights on the road

Spider House Cafe in Austin, Texas


Rest Area in New Mexico


The Grand Canyon in Arizona


I experienced a renewal here on this cliff.

gone...but it's okay.

About three weeks ago my bookbag was stolen in Philly.
Yeah, someone just walked up to my passenger side window,
smashed it in,
and swiped my bookbag.
!!!
There were a lot of valuable things to me inside that jansport:
ipod,
bose headphones,
digital voice recorder,
magazines,
a copy of Life of Pi (which I was thoroughly enjoying at the time),
a copy of The Piano (which I was surely going to enjoy eventually),
song journals,
and a personal journal I had been writing in for a few years.
It's a hard blow I'm sure you can understand.
Memories. Moments. Monumental occasions.
Everything was written in that book.

I've since come to terms with losing my documented life.
No one can steal what's in my head.
It's still all there for me to remember.

I watched American Beauty last night.
I haven't seen that movie in a long time.
The message from that story hit me so hard:

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
---American Beauty

In The Woods

An actual dream i had on January 29 2008:
In The Woods
I recommend that you listen to this recording
with headphones on.
It will enhance the experience.

The Beat

Entry from Tuesday October 21 2008

Lansing, Michigan.
Right in the heart of The Mitten.
Mac's Bar.
I was told Miles Davis lived in an apartment
right above the venue for about 6 months.
The show went well.
The opening bands were okay.
I had dinner at a 24 hour diner called Theio's.
It was right next door.
After the show, a couple of DJs set up on stage
and a rave-themed dance party had begun.
There was this cool kid there wearing a black shirt
with a lighted computer-like gadget attached to him.



He let me swing around these neon colored balls.
Andy Mellon and I started hanging out
with these two girls: Sahar and Suzy.
Suzy had a real groovy way of dancing that looked real natural.
I realized, as I was dancing with the people all around me,
how attractive it is to see someone dance.
I love watching.
It's sexual.
But it's more than that.
The body was meant to move to music, to rhythm, to a beat.
It's one of the most elated human experiences.
The world moves in rhythm with itself.
Since the day your heartbeat began,
you've moved to your own beat.



Watching Suzy and Sahar dancing, I felt connected.
I felt comfortable.
I was right where I wanted to be.
In Mac's Bar.
In Lansing, Michigan.
In America.
On Earth.
In the Universe.
Living.
Existing...