Saturday May 21 2011

Waking up just after 11 a.m.

Breakfast: Everything Bagel with Light Cream Cheese. Orange Juice. Zinc.

All day work at China Wok.

I’m a little disturbed about the conversation I had with her last night. I feel like she just doesn’t have the ability to see past herself. She’s so connected to the past—it affects her to such an extent she literally doesn’t know how to forgive. I like to think myself as having that ability for a person I love very dearly. And I know she loves me very dearly. I place such an importance on the present moment and try to keep her focus on the now rather than what’s already happened………But man, we all deal with this attachment to the past. It just goes to prove the non-existence of time—time being one big moment. Imagine how overwhelming that feels, everything in your life happening all at once, all in one big cosmic second. How is a person supposed to react to all these diverse experiences? There is really only one appropriate reaction to the cosmic second: “ACCEPT WHAT IS” All other emotions associated with it should just be temporary.

Delivering an order on Willow Oak Circle off Great Neck. A little girl walking past the front of my car recognizes the small plastic medallion, “Hello Kitty!”

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea. Mango.

Emily texts me that she’s using me as a rental reference…

Emily: “I want you to only tell positive truths…and perhaps embellish them.”

An Asian lady walks into the restaurant with a father and son. The kid’s got on an interesting outfit: baggy army pants, boots, suspenders, and a white t-shirt with the symbol “SS”. The dad matches well. The Asian lady is quiet and can’t seem to decide what to order. The man is getting impatient, “I want to get her back home before the rapture happens!” Nothing is ordered and eventually they leave. The father marches out the door announcing to his family, “I’m going back to Germany!”

I catch Zana on the side of the road again walking by the trailer park off Virginia Beach Blvd. She’s wearing a long blue cloudy dress and is curiously picking something off the ground.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein.

As I’m pulling into the Hilltop Plaza I spot somebody that looks familiar standing next to a burgundy Volvo. “It’s Renee!” She’s clad in going-out-to-dinner attire meeting her boyfriend at Bangkok Garden. My beautiful friend, “I’ve missed you.”

The boys and I go to Retro Café at the beach. Performing live drums alongside Eric and Gabe. This place is loud and the floors are sticky with permanent alcohol stains. It’s hard to hear the tracks but Eric and I slam it hard anyway. A lot of friends here—Jamil shows up with Anna and his sister.

After the show, getting some fresh air outside the bar. The Strip is littered with Virginia Beach night creatures. Discussing with Anthony the difference between the Jewish Mother show and this one. There’s a different vibe of people here on the beach. “Everybody here focuses on looking cool and they’re agro!” Kevin runs around the corner and witness a mob of people beat somebody up in the street. He’s so stoked about the experience and tells anyone he can.

Margot’s at Harpoon Larry’s waiting for me to be done here. She’s really drunk so I pick her up. Sober me with Anthony, Richie, a drunk Kevin, and a drunk Margot all in the car at once, this has the potential to be bad. And so it begins. She opens up a hailstorm of hate towards Richie and nothing is gonna stop her. There’s no changing the subject. The negative energy is overwhelming and it cannot be fought against. Arriving at the house, I bring her upstairs to my room—trying to be loving and get her mind off it but she’s become the most unlovable monster I’ve ever seen. She won’t let me touch her. She won’t let me take care of her. She’s ruthless. This ungodly force has taken her captive and tries desperately to take me down with it. I almost lose my patience during many moments.

Me: “Baby, just lay down and sleep here.”

Her: “How come no one is backing me up?”

Me: “Margot, forget about it! Just lay down and relax.”


She has to open tomorrow and I offer to take her home in the morning but I should’ve learned by now. Don’t argue against her will. After futile attempts to keep her here I give up and we start driving. She’s bawling her eyes out. She’s stressed herself out so much over nothing—hyperventilating—heavy breathing. Her own personal hell has been unleashed. Today is the end of the world for her. “Baby, relax. Please! I love you. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

Quick stop at the storage unit to drop off the equipment then straight to her house in Bay Colony. On the drive she keeps repeating, “You’re gonna go away. You’re gonna go away!” “Baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna take care of you.” The hate meter’s gone down but now the insecure meter goes up. I take her inside. I hold her as tight as I can in her big comfy bed. Black smears on her face from the mash-up of tears and make-up—wiping them off with tissues. “Baby, you see? I’m staying right here with you.” She’s finally calmed down a lot, like a little baby. Her body’s shaking nervously. You’re safe here my darling. Later on, we instigate a rather lengthy and intense lovemaking session.

“i love you…”

“yes, i love you.”

Sleep sometime after 3 a.m.

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