This is an open and unfiltered diary-style journal
on the life of James Robert Smith.
This blog will contain sometimes graphic experiences (both beautiful and ugly),
sometimes stark insight, and all honest and factual documentation of dreams, diet, activity, and thoughts.
DREAM: The National’s lead singer shows up in my bedroom to say hi, like he’s an old friend or something.
Waking up at 11:30 a.m.
Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Blueberries, and Milk. Orange Juice.
Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Running through the set a few times and writing a new surf punk song.
Groceries.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.
Watching King of New York (1990).
Blueberry Yogurt.
Music organizing.
Rediscovering old songs...
“Talking leads to touching. Then touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left.” – Rilo Kiley
Pinto Beans, Onions, Broccoli, Mushrooms, and Carrots with Wild Rice.
Finishing King of New York (1990).
Visiting Margot at Harpoon Larry’s briefly. She looks exceptionally cute tonight and I tell her...
She responds, “It’s cause I’m excited to see you.”
I head off to Richmond because I have a dentist appointment there early in the morning. I asked Paige if I could crash on her couch that way I can just get up and already be there.
During the drive I eat two mini cups of Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream: Caramel Cone and Caramel Dulce De Leche. The road is extremely foggy and difficult to see.
I make it to Paige’s place on Harrison. She goes off to bed while I try to make myself comfortable on this small couch and read for a bit. I hear the faint sounds of college kids partying next door. Hoot. Holler. Whoop. Her roommate walks in just as I’m about to switch the light off. He apologizes for having to do laundry in the same room. I just put in earplugs and wear an eye mask and drift off to sleep just after 2 a.m.
DREAM: Sitting in a public place of some kind, maybe a mall. I’m browsing through a website on a flat screen computer that offers high profile jobs just by filling out a form. For some reason I’m putting in my father’s information in order to get him a job or maybe just to use for my advantage. The jobs offered are labeled in poetic code words like “Huggaboo Janitor” and “Prettified Savior”. Meanwhile, a war has begun on a campground not far from here. I ride over to a field where a man is controlling a hot air balloon. People gather near a shopping cart topped with a picnic tray. A woman trots over and explains she is about to cook a meal. But I brought a bag full of miscellaneous leftovers. We set them out like a buffet for everyone to dig into...
Waking up around 12:15 p.m.
Afternoon sex is grand.
Cinnamon Buns. Milk.
Her: “I love you.”
Me: “That’s true.”
Her: “Do you love me?”
Me: “That’s true too.”
...
Her: “I missed you when we weren’t together.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Her: “Mhm.”
We do lunch at Panera.
Tuna Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Creamy Tomato Soup. Sweet Tea.
All things are bright and beautiful until she decides to ask a very snide question out of left field...
Her: “Did you ever sleep with some Asian whore?”
Gosh, she can be so tactless sometimes. I had a sexual encounter in Japan once a long time
ago, way before her and I were even together. And I already told her about it
years ago. I guess it slipped from her memory. This strikes a dissonant chord in the conversation and reminds her of other things better left forgotten about. I try to be sensitive with my words but it’s useless because she’s notorious for keeping a record of one’s wrongs...
Me: “You’re holding onto the past and not living in the moment with me. The past is not tangible. You can’t touch it anymore. C’mon. It’s February fifteenth two thousand twelve.”
...
Her: “Robert, we’re never going to date again. This isn’t going to work. Nothing’s going to change.”
Me: “Well that’s up to you to change. All I ask for is one simple thing. I don’t want a girlfriend who can’t forgive.”
I can see it so clearly. It’s in her eyes...how heavy the grudges are. It’s too powerful for her to handle. Surrender. Let it go. Clean slate. Pure.
Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Running through the set...having a good ole time.
Apple. Honey Green Tea.
Back home.
Making dinner and hanging out at the card table with Darren and Stephanie.
Tofu Pad Thai with Peas and Mushrooms.
Art shows up and we head to the Lynnhaven Middle School tennis courts for a game. John Flowers, Elliott, and Sarah join in, but only for a brief time because the lights go black right at 10 o’clock sharp.
I retreat to Margot’s place per her request. She apologizes for earlier today and we sort of pick up where we left off in the conversation but in a more constructive way.
...
Me: “You’re a phenomenon to me.”
Her: “What do you mean by that?”
Me: “You just are. You’re a phenomenon in every way...everything from your extreme upset nature to your beauty...”
Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Blueberries, and Coconut Milk. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
It’s Valentine’s Day. But here in my car it’s just another day slaying fiery red dragons in Hilltop.
It’s slow for business.
I drop by the house for lunch.
Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.
Darren is vacuuming and bitching about things as usual...
Darren: “What should I do with my life, Robert?”
Me: “I think you should do something.”
Darren: “Do you think I should take this opportunity to move to Georgia?”
Me: “What? Why Georgia?”
Darren: “Trailer parks.”
My favorite regular, Rob, near Shore Drive calls and places an order. He has me pick up extra stuff for him as he’s a big man with medical disabilities and he can’t leave his house. It’s the usual: a pack of Marlboro Red 100’s and a thing of Colonel’s Pride whiskey. But this time it’s a half-gallon. He persists in talking my head off about his remote controlled helicopters...
Valentine-couples-going-out-to-dinner related traffic is stressing me out. I’m the only driver today and for nighttime. So even though it’s not crazy busy, it is for me as I’m responsible for every single order.
Later, Rob calls again and has me pick up a fifth of whiskey this time...
Me: “Wait, did you drink that whole gallon already?!”
Him: “Yeah!”
Me: “Are you sure you need more?”
Him: “It’ll just be a fifth.”
I can’t believe this guy. How is he even functioning? Part of me feels bad and somewhat an accomplice in his drinking endeavors because if he didn’t have me as his personal delivery boy then he probably wouldn’t be drinking.
The night continues...
Aloe Vera Drink.
Rob calls up the China Wok phone again. He better not be asking for anything else.
Him: “Hey Rob! [he calls me Rob] Hey man.”
Me: “What’s going on? We’re really busy right now.”
Him: “Hey look. I was just wondering if you knew of any bitches or whores you can send my way.”
I laugh out loud...
Me: “Uhm. I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can help you out in that way man.”
He’s a riot.
Strawberry Yogurt.
Finally off work. I rush over to Margot’s place with Chinese food and a six-pack of Mickey’s...
Hot and Sour Soup with Spring Rolls and Crab Rangoon.
Sitting around the coffee table with her and Emily, her roommate, making fun of things and talking about love and forgiveness. At one point Margot even sheds a tear because of how in depth the subject matter becomes.
It’s been a week since we’ve had sex but she’s too tired tonight.
DREAM: I’ve been assigned the letter B. An unfamiliar lady has been assigned the letter C. We take a stroll on the sidewalk of a big city in Japan, maybe Tokyo or Osaka. Buying fish plates from a food cart.
☼☼☼☼☼
My boss, Cecily, from China Wok stands in front of me presenting a confession. She affirms the subtle attraction between us, which has always been there on a subconscious level. She brings up some observations and reminds me of a dream memory where we had an encounter in a bed. Something bad happened in that time frame and she was confiding in me...
Her: “Remember when we lied on the bed and you had the memory?”
The blossoming feelings towards her are now reciprocated and she’s talking about them...
Her: “I’ve got punch and you’re calm.”
☼☼☼☼☼
Inside a warehouse building in a section at the end of a long narrow corridor. It’s a deciduous forest environment...trees and bushes...a small glimmer of sunlight shining through the window. Stephanie and I fulfill a need to set fire to this place. We gather dead pine needles, dead leaves, and dead branches...and ignite a flame that spreads all over...but only affecting organic matter and not the building itself. Later, I’m talking with Stephanie’s dad. He’s upset with Stephanie for smoking Spice last night and having to go to the hospital. I explain to him the detrimental effects that Spice has on people but assure him that everything is okay now.
Getting out of bed at 11:10 a.m.
Instant Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal. Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).
All day shift at China Wok.
It’s quite a slow afternoon.
Prepping the bags and snapping the snow peas.
Panera lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Creamy Tomato Soup. Sweet Tea.
She needs Extra Special Attention.
Peanut Butter Sandwich. Coffee with Chocolate and French Vanilla Creamer.
Steady orders...
Off work. Back home. Not looking forward to covering the other driver’s all day shift tomorrow when I’m normally not working.
Pinto Beans, Broccoli, and Snow peas with Rice.
Fortune: “If you promise someone something, keep it.”
Margot hangs out with me in my room. Watching After.Life (2009) together. A cerebral mystery thriller. Letting Darren’s cat, Juptier, roam around the room—distracting us from the film by climbing atop shelves and knocking things over. Generally, it’s a nice time spent with each other. I send her off so I can have my alone time catching up on things even though she’s slightly opposed to it...
[Text message]
Her: “How could you love someone and not wanna be with them everyday?”
Me: “because my alone time helps me appreciate time with you.”
Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Blueberries, and Coconut Milk. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
It’s busy...leaving me no time to sit down. As soon as I arrive at the restaurant, another order is ready to go.
Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Aloe Vera Drink.
Stephanie drops in for a little bit to show off her CPR certification card she recently obtained. Now she can be a lifeguard this summer.
Her: “Not only am I a heart breaker but a heart saver too!”
The orders keep coming. Jamil helps with the dinner shift.
Donuts and Coffee from Wawa.
A couple walks in with an obviously plastered black man carrying fishing poles. They offered to buy him a meal because he’s homeless and hungry. He won’t shut his mouth though about anything and everything. And nothing stops him from pulling out photos of his son and sharing stories about him. He takes it upon himself to rearrange the tables and chairs while he sings out loud to himself...“Baby! You are sugar! You are the syrup on my pancakes! You came from above!” My bosses don’t find much amusement about it like I do.
Off work. Back home. I permitted a last minute acoustic show at the house.
Hot and Sour Soup. Spring Rolls. Budweiser in a can.
JP, Rusty, and TC, a guy from Portland, bring guitars and put on a show. A limited crowd...maybe 13 people. Beautiful tunes presented to our ears. Amidst all the music playing Stephanie is suddenly stricken with intense nausea and fever most likely caused from the little bit of Spice her and Darren smoked earlier. Sarah and I tend to her as she wallows in bed sheets drenched in fruity red spew. It’s quite a tragic scene.
Her: “Is this what death feels like?”
At first I thought this would pass within the hour but nothing changes. She keeps asking for water and to go to the hospital. I didn’t think it was that serious. But better safe than sorry. After a few more throw up toilet trips I get her into the car and head to the emergency room. There. A doctor pumps her with an IV to flush out her system...
Sarah shows up. A few weeks ago we came to the conclusion our music, The Vaginasaurs, represents a new genre called Baby Punk because of the innocent garage sound. We’re constantly making jokes about it. And Stef has a realization as she lays there in the hospital bed...
“You guys! Now this is Baby Punk.”
[Hahaha]
I leave the hospital and let Sarah take over for moral support.
Alarm goes off at 11 a.m. Then at 11:05 a.m. Then at 11:10 a.m. Then 11:15 a.m. Okay. I’m up.
Banana. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.
Busy day for Chinese food.
Blueberry Scones.
I notice a light rain start to fall on the windshield as I’m driving around. It turns into a heavy slosh and eventually into big fluffy snowflakes. It’s snowing! I was convinced we wouldn’t get snow this year. Of course the worse the weather the more inclined people are to order takeout. Our dinner rush lasts for a lengthy period of time...getting orders from all over the city.
...
Someone asks me what I’m doing via text. I reply, “slaying snow dragons for china wok.”
Strawberry Yogurt.
Delivering an order off Chase Pointe. The guy opens the door shocked to find that it’s snowing.
Guy: “Oh. It’s snowing?”
Me: “Yeah you missed the whole thing.”
The disconnect between man and nature becomes even more apparent.
Finally off work...
Relaxing at home in my computer chair with dinner and a movie...
Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice. Mission Street Blonde Ale.
My fortune: “Be tactful: do not overlook your own opportunity.”
DREAM: Approaching the shore where a fleet of U.S. battleships are docked for the night. I watch as a mass of Russian teen rebels march toward the fleet with grenades and weaponry. There’s yelling and chanting. They throw their bombs on the offensive. It’s understood the U.S. fleet is aware of their presence and fights back. My buddy who’s with me is Tucker Bennett. We make a run for it into the woods. It’s very dark and we can barely see the path. I use my cell phone to light the way and capture video at the same time. We run as fast as we can—bombs and booming sounds in the background. I’m in the lead. I recognize some of the trail...
“We’re almost there!”
Turning around the corner we’ve made it on the grounds of an American high school. Bumming around by the bathrooms while students and teachers pass us by. Even though we look American I know everyone sees us as Russian refugees. But there doesn’t seem to be any hostility. Tucker and I replay some of the footage in slow motion and discover there’re a lot of things we missed, like a flashing image of a LED light bear that appears out of nowhere amongst the Russian teen rebels. And we briefly see a girl riding a dog that rushes by just as we entered the woods. For some reason this girl-dog sighting raises alarm. Something seems very suspicious about it.
Waking up around noon.
Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Flax Seed, Brown Sugar, Blueberries, and Coconut Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).
Errands.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea. Chocolate Chip Cookies.
A few hours working at China Wok to help with the dinner rush.
Spaghetti with Onions and Mushrooms. Garlic Bread. Broccoli and Carrots in Ranch.
Watching Primal Fear (1996).
Organizing music files.
Blueberry Scone. Coconut Milk.
Lauren drops by for a visit. She used to live here at the house but moved back out to Newport News. She left an endearing letter to 1435...
“Dear 143Live,
I actually miss all the shenanigans. I miss things getting 'Live'. Life is boring without you guys. Sorry I couldn't live up to my end of the bargain.
<3 Nanny Lauren
P.S. for a little while...you guys felt like the closest thing to family that I've ever known. I miss that, too.”
DREAM: I’m on the China Wok clock and have to deliver an order to a condominium on 37th and Atlantic. For some reason I park about five blocks distance away and walk there. The whole time I’m thinking to myself, why did I do this? I arrive and turn around the corner. Snow covers the ground. I have to climb a wooden staircase that’s unusually small. It’s very difficult because of its size and how wet/icy it is from the fallen snow. I finally make it to the door. But it’s not a door, rather a small grey hatch that opens up when pressing a button. I crawl through with the bag of Chinese food. Inside I discover the only way to maneuver through each room is by this stupid miniature hatch. I observe other people there for different reasons. Most of them are big and fat. How do they get through those things? I complain to some of the employees. The fat people hear me and agree that they should install regular doors.
Getting out of bed at 1 p.m.
Hot Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Soymilk. Zinc (50 mg).
Organizing music files.
Egg Salad Sandwich. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.
Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Working on a new song called, “Billyburg”.
Snacking on Sweet Rolls and an Apple.
Grocery and thrift store shopping. Found an amazing Shaquille O’Neal picture.
Spaghetti with Onions, Mushrooms, and Garlic.
Watching Blitz (2011).
Chocolate Chip Cookies. Coconut Milk.
Heading over to Margot’s place to get my head out of this computer organization madness...
On the couch. Having a Czech-style lager and reading Adbusters while Margot entertains herself with the idea of going to Disney World. She browses the website and checks the price—looking at the hotels and accommodations.
Her: “Why can’t we go to Disney World?”
Me: “It’s crazy expensive.”
I find it ironic that I’m over here reading about the stark economic and psychological realities of the world, and she’s over there enthralled into contributing to a multi-billion dollar industry to which she believes is a magical place. Have I become too old? Have I become too aware for my own good? Or aware just enough for my own good?
DREAM: A big flat screen computer. Engaging in a video game. It’s one of the hardest levels in DOOM. My character is the Baron of Hell, the tall creature with goat legs. I have the ability to float in an outside arena. Dodging a multitude of fireball blasts coming from the enemy. I maneuver the computer mouse forward and back diving my character down and up in a zigzag pattern. I fire rockets rapidly at the colossal Steam Demon before me. He’s at his end and explodes in a bloody dust. Game over.
Waking up some time after noon. Margot doesn’t remember having sex with me before going to sleep. Figures. She makes me an Egg and Cheese Biscuit with Pineapple Orange Juice for breakfast. Before she takes me to get my car out of the shop we engage in fiery hot sex to make up for her memory loss...
Tomato and Hummus Sandwich with Popcorn and Honey Green Tea.
Continuing the ever-going process of organizing music files. Something went wrong the other day and now I have to double-check everything.
Strawberry Yogurt. Granola Bar.
Files...
On and off watching Bully (2001).
James Graves chats with me while I cook dinner. Sorting through his romantic ventures at work...
Black Beans and Rice with Garlic, Broccoli, Onions, and Carrots.
Poker night. First one in a while. Players: Art, Kevin, James Graves, Darren, Nicole, Tim, and myself. I make homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies for everyone. Distracting chatter builds up during the game causing an expected social stress in the atmosphere. Topics on diet come up...
Darren: “Steak on a plate still tastes good.”
Me: “Wow. What a great argument. But you still have to taste it.”
...
It’s down to Kevin and Art. Art takes the win.
Back to organizing music files.
Brush up phone call with Margot. Towards the end...
Her: “I love you.”
Me: “Love you too.”
Her: “How much?”
Me: “There is no much. It’s not a volume. It just is or it isn’t.”
Her: “Tell me how much you love me...”
Me: “I just do.”
Her: “No. Tell me how much you love me.”
Me: “If you have to hear a volume then...to the moon and back. That’s the best I can do.”
Margot gets up and leaves for school. It’s still early. I sit in my chair and watch this news video about the Polish president being ridiculed for standing up against injustice for something. The video turns strange when the Porky Pig cartoon character shows up and in his stuttering voice says, “Adee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba that's all, folks!” The camera view shoots down through his throat and turns into a sequence of the sun rising. I click pause just as the sun is at it’s brightest. I notice the lack of lighting in my room and attempt to flick on the blue stream lights coiled on the loft bed and click on the triplet light stand, but to my dismay they don’t work. That should’ve been my first sign that I’m still asleep...dreaming.▬ ○ ☼ ○ ▬
After this realization I become scared...and my only goal is to get these lights on. The darkness is overwhelming. I keep waking up in a jolt but not actually waking up, just waking up back in my dark room in a dream state. I’m alone. She’s not here anymore. I don’t want to be alone. I keep trying to wake myself up. I’m trapped here in a dark psychological trauma. I imagine a big black rat of abnormal size and suddenly there it is scurrying around in my room and pouncing in my direction. I block at it with my hands. It’s understood this rat represents my relationship with Margot. I’m frantic at this point and breathing hard. I start snoring rapidly and as loud as I can with hopes the noise will bring me back to reality. I feel movement under the sheets...and finally awaken.
“Robert, are you okay?”
Phew. It’s Margot. I respond faintly, “What? I had a bad dream. I was just snoring on purpose.”
Her: “I thought you were dying...you were doing that on purpose?”
Me: “I was trying to wake myself up. It was the only way.” I start laughing at how silly I probably sounded. “Sorry if I frightened you.”
...
Back to sleep for a few more hours. Eventually, Margot actually leaves for school around 10:20 a.m. I sleep more...then wake up around noon.
Peanut Butter English Muffin. Orange Juice.
Music file frustration. Something went wrong when I tried to sync the folders.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Oolong Tea.
Grocery shopping with Margot at Food Lion. While there I run into Jimmy Napier and his Vietnamese wife. Mr. Napier was my mother’s first husband to whom they had my sister, way before I was born. But he is not my father. I haven’t seen him in over five years or so. I kind of owe it to him for learning how to play guitar. He taught me a few tricks that got me kick-started into guitar music.
Art picks me up and we duke it out on the Lynnhaven Middle School tennis courts. It’s not cold whatsoever and they re-paved the yard. A whole year has past since my last tennis game but I still hone a few skills. I win the set.
Black Beans and Rice with Sautéed Garlic Broccoli, Onions, and Carrots.
Watching Special When Lit: A Pinball Documentary (2009).
Banana Bread and Coffee.
Having to reorganize music files because of a glitch.
Margot and John Flowers were hanging out. They come grab me and we stuff ourselves with McDonalds junk food using the gift card my dad got me. I already had an upset stomach and this doesn’t help one bit. I observe Margot in the passenger seat as Flowers drives. She cranks up that I Belong In Your Arms song by Chairlift...bobbing her head and swinging her hair. Earlier she had a few vodka drinks, which would explain her touchy feely behavior and careless attitude.
...
Back at her place. It’s good to see John again. I saw him at the birthday party last week. He’s an overall fun dude to hang out with. Margot and I tuck him in on the couch then retreat to the bedroom. She comes on to me in the bed and we proceed with lovemaking. I didn’t realize how drunk she was until now. She says a lot of strange things and I’m sure she doesn’t have a clue what she’s saying...
Her: “Do you want to be here, baby? Do you want to be here?” “What do you want?” “I’ve gotta give you in.” “I have to ruin his life.”
She’s got her cute drunkels face on so none of this is serious. But who was she talking about? Was that some kind of Freudian slip? More likely, just straight up nonsense. The clueless state of an inebriated mind is so strange.
Alarm went off at 11 a.m. but I find myself dozing off and getting out of bed in a jitter right at 11:30. I’m late for work.
All day shift at China Wok.
Strawberry Yogurt. Orange Juice.
Slow afternoon for deliveries.
Organizing the last of my music files. It feels so good to have it all in order now. It was a process that lasted three years...on and off. With over 8,900 songs in the library I’d say this is an accomplishment.
Delivering an order to a kind old lady on Consolvo Court. She hands me two dollars in quarters as a tip and says, “I hope you don’t mind the change.”
Me: “Oh that’s fine. Thank you.”
As I drive away I notice one of the coins is not a quarter at all but a gold medallion with a comforting image of an angel engraved on it. She obviously did that on purpose. I laugh out loud in gratefulness. I wonder if she slips gold angels to all her visitors...
It’s generally slow for business tonight.
Off work.
Hot and Sour Soup. Spring Rolls.
Finishing The Double (2011).
I have Margot drop my car off at the shop with me. Then, back at her place for a bit...talking...sometimes arguing about love and unforgiving matters...then back to my place for sleeping. But I stay up and eat a bowl of Cheerios with Soymilk and Brown Sugar...the classical station on the radio...
After I’ve fallen asleep, at some point she gets up to go to the bathroom, then comes back and sneak attacks me with sex. Earlier I was coming onto her but to my dissatisfaction she wasn’t feeling it. I guess she felt the need for redemption...
DREAM: I’ve been assigned to three boisterous black girls. I’m trying to fit in with them and make friends. At a rest stop we walk inside and I’m supposed to burn a copy of a CD using a CD machine kiosk. They laugh out loud without a care in the world who’s around...
Girl #1: “Man, Stephanie wuz so drunk! [AHAHAH]”
Girl #2: “Ya I know! [AHAHAH]”
I feel somewhat embarrassed but what can I do.
Waking up at the usual Sunday time.
Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
Margot stops by and rides around with me on a few deliveries. We wanted to get Panera for lunch but there is no time because customers have an insatiable hunger and won’t stop placing orders. I’m angry. I’m starving...
Snacking on whatever I have in my snack bag...Japanese treats and Potato Chip Trio.
Later I’m able to stop by the house and make a toasted PB&J and grab some Honey Oolong Tea.
Today’s magic number is 4. At least ten orders have tipped me four dollars and most of them in a row. There’s something creepy about that.
Super Bowl Sunday increases business until about seven o’clock.
Finish snapping the snow peas. I’m starting to fall in love with these things.
Off work at an unusual decent hour.
Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice. Apricot Ale.
Watching The Double (2011).
My fortune cookie: “Doing what you love is freedom. Loving what you do is happiness.”
Trying out Butterscotch Cookies from scratch. Kevin’s cooking is own meal during. And Darren, as usual talks down to Kevin sarcastically/half seriously criticizing him for the way he cooks. The cookies turned out okay.
Egg and Cheese Biscuit from Bojangles. Orange Juice.
As I’m driving around I hear a flap sound coming from outside the car and to my dismay there are two screws lobbed into my tire. Quick fix at BP Auto, free of charge.
Peanut Butter English Muffin. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink.
Slow afternoon for deliveries.
Margot texts me...“I need your sex”
Me: “come and get it”
Her: “I can’t :( you’re at work”
Me: “the walk-in fridge or bathroom will work just fine. my bosses wont mind.”
Her: “You’re kidding.”
Blueberries and an Ice Cream Cone.
Night deliveries steady.
Delivering to the Seaside Hotel near 27th and Atlantic. The first floor is an enchanting green house with an assortment of plants. I’ve never visited this old antique hotel. There’s a lot of character embedded in these walls. I run up to the second floor. The lady ordered just under $50 worth of food and asked me to buy her a few packs of cigarettes of a strange brand, Tahoe, which I could only find at Food Lion apparently. I hand over everything and she rewards me with a comforting hug. Her daughter is smiling in the background. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged a customer before, at least one I didn't know.
Bringing home Chinese food, some for me and some for Darren...
Hot and Sour Soup. Shrimp Egg Rolls. Spring Rolls.
...
My fortune: “Discriminating mind leads you in the proper direction.”
Darren’s fortune: “Here we go. Low fat, whole wheat green tea.”
Trying to figure out what his could possibly mean...
Me: “It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t think it means anything. You can’t have low fat, whole wheat green tea.”
Darren: “Maybe it’s a satire...on how low fat and whole wheat doesn’t mean anything.”
Sipping on Almond Milk and watching Kick-Ass (2010).
On the phone with Margot. She’s rather upset because I decided to go to my friend’s birthday party last night without really telling her. Apparently when I say that I’m “doing my own thing tonight,” doesn’t mean I can attend such events. I guess she assumed I’d be kicking it by myself at home. But I also knew she had qualms with some people attending the party and so I didn’t invite her nor did I feel like telling her because she’s very talented at guilt tripping me.
...
Me: “You have so much anger inside of you.”
She’s still at work while she speaks to me, and getting extremely flustered and annoyed because our argument takes unbecoming heights. Uncalled for dramatic statements are made but this is not reality...
Me: “Look, whatever’s happening in your mind right now is not reality. It’s NOT REALITY!”
She hangs up.
...
I send her an after-text...
“im sorry if i make you feel like all the problems reside with you. however your anger and wrath are terribly difficult for me to handle...i love you of course.”
...
I doze off for a little bit then she shows up and joins me in slumber around 3:30 a.m.
DREAM: On the beach of a lake. Incessant waves crashing under our feet. You would think this was an ocean. But I look out across the water and find a calm setting of people spread out in lawn chairs, only a swimmer’s distance away. Someone’s playing video games on three computer monitors. I put on this diving suit and oxygen mask and have at it under the water, sometimes holding a waterproof video camera to film shots for a TV show.
Waking up around noon.
Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice.
Errands.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Oolong Tea.
Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Working on a new slow jam. Stef’s mom consistently likes to cook us dinner to satisfy our post-practice hunger.
Shrimp and Rice with Spinach and Salad.
Apparently two drivers aren’t enough to get through China Wok’s dinner rush tonight and they had to call me in for an hour.
Chocolate Chip Cookies and Almond Milk.
I head over to Nicole’s house where a birthday party for Amanda Paramore is going down. Good times as soon I sneak through the door. ↔ Someone brought a beer bong and people are chugging in the kitchen like frat boys. ↔ Rambunctious laughter and raucous behavior. ↔ Sara Smith and I play that “Pin Your Wings” song by Copeland for Amanda to which Sara changed the lyrics to, “It’s your birthday!” in the chorus. She’s thrilled, and even more thrilled when James Graves and I chant out a song by her favorite band, The Front Bottoms. ↔ Beer pong is set up using water in the cups. ↔ Dancing and stomping on the wood floor. ↔ A wonderful evening with friends...
I grab Darren and Gillian and we go home.
...
Gillian settles down in my room and insists on telling me some epiphanies she had dealing with her past...things that have become pressing because of a dream that reminded her of them. It’s strange to be speaking with her so personally cause it’s been at least eight months since we’ve had a real conversation. She hasn’t changed, at least not on the surface. She’s supposed to be spending the night here at the house and for some reason she expected to be sleeping in my bed.
I make things clear, “I really can’t allow this...It’s not right...I have to be respectful...If I wasn’t seeing someone I wouldn’t care.”
It’s amazing the boundaries she pushes...but eventually she gets my drift, but chalks it up to a test of will. I escort her downstairs to the couch and offer her a pillow and a comforter. I put on some soft tunes by Jose Gonzalez...
Her: “It sucks. I’m always attracted to guys I can’t have...”
I tuck her in and caress her shoulder a little bit...
‡‡‡
Biology runs us. It’s not a justification. The spirit and the flesh. It’s an age-old biblical struggle. Sometimes you struggle so much you lose your reason to be fighting so hard. You come to accept your biology. Within the animal kingdom two things are instinctual: food and sex. These two things, even humans need to survive and prosper. It’s innate. However, don’t be careless with people’s hearts. That’s always in the back of my mind. But don’t take things too seriously. Certain ideas and actions are sacred but there’s a reason blood courses through your veins like a rushing river at ruthless speeds.
‡‡‡
After all is said and done I say, “That’s the best I could do.”
Then retreat to my room, lock the door, and slumber away with thoughts parched with guilt after 3 a.m.
[i] Amanda’s B-Day Shenanigans. Images by Stephanie and me.
Waking up in her soft bed sheets. She had to attend a few TCC classes but she jumps on top of me and begins the baby language...“Ejhabooboo.Ejhabooboo.” Clamoring all over me with love. She convinces me to shower with her...
Back at the house.
Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Cranberries, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).
Writing. Researching. Editing.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Oolong Tea.
Business. Planning. Emails.
Practicing an old song on guitar.
Organizing music files.
Dinner: Salmon and Black Beans with Onions, Broccoli, Green Peppers, Cabbage, Carrots, and Bread and Butter.
Continuing my organization.
Making Chocolate Chip Cookies from scratch. I think I tried this one another time before but this time was a success. Nicole and this girl Sara Smith come over to rehearse this Copeland song we’ll be playing tomorrow at Amanda Paramore’s birthday party.
Earlier I had to hear shit from Margot in reference to an experience I had with a girl I met in England. She read about it from my blog entry I posted today. I didn’t kiss nor do anything sexual with this girl. It was truly a casually encounter except for the fact I slept in the same bed with her. But I didn’t really tell Margot about it and she felt I hid it from her. I didn’t feel it was important or worth telling because while I was on tour Margot emailed me that she had drunkenly made out with a guy. So what she’s upset about with me has no backing compared to what she did. Before I left the country it was understood we were still single even though we had been seeing each other, but we also made it clear to be honest if anything did happen. I wasn’t too worried. I didn’t have anything to hide.
Her: “I can’t stand imagining you with someone else...I’m still upset. I’ve been through a lot with you. I’m severely scarred.”
Me: “we have been through what seems like a lifetime. there will always be scars and stains. but we have to know how to clean it up and press on darling.”
Her: “I feel like you lied to me by not telling me everything. I just want you to cuddle with me. No other fucking whore of a bitch gets to be pressed against you like that.”
Me: “i just didn’t feel like it was important or worth telling since nothing sexual or even kissing happened. it was very casual. but you’re right no other whore of a bitch is allowed to be pressed against me. got it.”
Her: “damn straight.”
...
Her: “Come over and show me how much you love me.”
I head over and she’s unusually hyped up on hormones or something. I guess she’s just feeling a little insecure and needs extra loving care and attention from me. I don’t mind providing. Sexually I feel a little dried up but we go at it anyway and it’s good nonetheless.
She repeats this a few times after I finish...“I just want your sex all the time...”
Her: “I love you so much.”
Me: “I know. I love you too.”
Adorable is her middle name when she’s lying in a bed slithering under the sheets. It’s one of those times she really brings to reality that poem by John Keats where he says, “A thing of beauty is a joy forever.”
We head to Doc Taylor’s for an afternoon breakfast. It’s such a beautiful day. The sun is blinding my sensitive eyes...
Playfully she calls me a vampire, “You vampire.”
Me: “No, I’m a recovering vampire. I used to be.”
...
Recently, after watching the documentary Forks Over Knives (2011) where it was shown that most all degenerative diseases are linked to an animal-based diet and processed foods diet, and after years of awareness and study, I came to the conclusion that I should eliminate processed foods completely and I should eliminate animals as well. I explain this to Margot...
Me: “I think I’ve hit the point where I’m done with meat. After a lot of research I’ve decided I’m switching to a plant-based foods diet. I’ll still eat fish and some seafood. I’ll officially be a pescatarian I guess. But I’m still uncertain about milk.”
She retorts back in a scolding kind of voice, “Well I eat cow and chicken cause that’s what normal people do, Robert.”
She speaks as if I’m crazy for even considering the diet change. Her close-mindedness has always been unbecoming to me. She has a distaste for hippies and associates vegetarianism with them. And because of that she views herself as superior. This is so silly. This is where prejudices form. Right here. Opinions from particular groups of people are not given any weight because of association and reputation. And it just sucks that she has to be one of the naysayers.
Our food is ready. I ordered the Blueberry French Toast with Eggs and Bacon (I gave the bacon to her) and Orange Juice. Also, Zinc (50 mg).
Back home. Doing more research and writing.
Darren and his sister Gillian are chilling downstairs. We head out to the fields nearby and throw a Frisbee around.
[ii]
[iii]
Margot texts me...
“I love you too but this isn’t going to work. You make me feel like there’s a million things wrong with me and every problem is my fault. We’re fooling ourselves thinking it’s gonna be different than last time...I will love you forever and always and it was nice spending these past few months with you.”
On the phone with her...the conversation is utterly frustrating...
Her: “You make me feel like an awful person and that everything is my fault.”
...
Me: “This is what true friends do for each other. We critique and make judgments. But you get so offended. Your vices are not what make you who you are. I like who you are. I’m attracted to who you are. I think you’re cute.”
Editing. Researching.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Oolong Tea.
Playing the guitar downstairs while Darren sits and drinks his drink and listens.
She brings this song to my attention by posting it on my Facebook wall and the melodies seep into my heart so easily...
Making dinner downstairs at midnight. The heavy brunch meal earlier pushed my eating schedule forward a little bit.
Sharing it with Darren. Cuban Style Black Beans with Broccoli, Mushrooms, Onions, Green Peppers, and Rice.
Margot texted me earlier, “I don’t know what’s going on with us but if you’d like to come over I’d like your company.” So I head over there around 1 a.m. She’s just finishing a viewing of the latest X-Men movie. She’s snuggly and cuddly. I sip on a Fat Tire Ale and we watch Conan O'Brien.
I make fun of how this video reminds me of her...it’s 90% on point...
Later we retreat to the bedroom. She hops on top of me and surprises me with immediate sex.
Me: “What are you doing?”
Her: “Nothing for you to complain about...”
Me: “Mmm.”
Pure pleasure. Then off to sleep sunk into her soft new bed sheets. So comfortable...
[i]
