Wednesday January 22 2014

*

Waking up at 12:44 p.m.

The sun is shining bright keeping the snow manageable. It's beautiful looking out the window. 1435 snowed in.

*

Sharing breakfast with Ana: Grapefruit. Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Ana: "I'm going to my car."

Darren: "You might not make it back...there's a lot of cocaine out there."

The clean up crew begins. I take care of picking up the living room and vacuuming. Josh and Ana organize and clean the record/craft shelf.

Kale Arugula Salad with Tomatoes, Dried Cranberries, and Almonds. Butternut Squash Soup. Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin with Vegan Cream Cheese. Honey Black Tea.

The roads are caked in icing, but not that sweet kind of icing you'd paste on cupcake tops or coffee shop pastries, a bitter cold icing that leads unsuspecting drivers off the side of the road.

At the neighborhood gym running – working out. Ana shows up a little later. She informs me of two incidents where she fell on the ice.

Apple.

Back at the house, candles are lit, mood lighting is set, and people trickle in for the Di Mi! House Show. I trek down the icy roads to pick up Rachel and Stephen. It's a humble gathering tonight. I feel like the cold weather inspires people to keep still and meditate, especially with the view of snow just outside the back patio door; it reminds us of how protected and safe we are inside. Darren takes on the role of MC and does a good job of reiterating respect and quietness during the show. After a few short performances by Megan Power, Leisa, Ken, and myself with Ana by my side, the musicians from Annapolis set up to play, Sarah Ellen and Thomas Beall – a melodic experimental acoustic sound with lots of harmonics and finger taps to the likes of Kaki King – and a soothing dark emotional electric steel guitar plugged through loop and effects pedals. As they pass off songs back and forth the overall mood of their music is tranquil and hypnotizing. Calm. Peaceful. It does something for me, as I'm sure it did for everyone else.

Sarah Ellen at Di Mi! 1435 House Show (Jan 22 2014)

Thomas Beall at Di Mi! 1435 House Show (Jan 22 2014)

*

*

†

†

†

†

†

Between all of us we were able to donate $64 to the travelers. They were grateful to be here and we were grateful to have them.

...

I had a few slices of Pizza from the pies Bob Vincent ordered but I'm still hungry. After some time lingering around, saying our goodbyes, and witnessing Darren protest an enthusiastic singing of "Closing Time" by breaking a mason jar on the floor, we reconvene at Rick's Café.

...

Present are myself, Ana, Will, Sasha, Laron, Ken, Pedro (the guy with the nice camera), Sunney, and three other dudes I don't know. On our side of the table: Will looks up everybody's compatibility and fortunes from the Chinese zodiac. Enjoying Pancakes and Coffee with Ana.

Back home in the bedroom recollecting with Ana...

Ana: "I enjoyed tonight the most when we were just listening to the music and not having to think or talk about anything, just listen."

I mention how often she's stayed here the past few nights in a row...

Me: "Yeah it's like a lock-in."

Ana: "You're not sick of me are you?"

Me: "Of course not!"

We cuddle and talk a lot before falling asleep.

---

[i] Images by me. 
[ii] Images taken by Ken or Pedro.

Tuesday January 21 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

In search of a video store I cross through a building that leads to the other side of town, the hip youthful district. I come across some late 20-somethings who ask me what I'm doing here. I tell them I was looking for a video store but I find out it's closed today. One of them hands me a cigarette that's been almost completely smoked. I'm supposed to go back the way I came but I have to be extremely quiet and stealth when passing by this classroom with the door open. Getting lost in a big store of stylized furniture and décor. It never seems to end.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 1 p.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Research.

Kale and Arugula Salad with Dried Cranberries and Almonds. Pretzel Bread with Vegan Cream Cheese. Honey Black Tea.

At the Rec Center for adult basketball. They cut us off short today because of inclement weather, closing about an hour early. But we get about four games in. There's a cocky ball hog on my team, however we achieve a winning streak except for one tie. It's snowing steadily outside, the first snow of the season. Little kids are running around with their tongues out waiting for their parents to pick them up. I've seen snow before; I've been to Russia.

Cantaloupe.

Ana comes over before the heaviest part of the snowstorm. In the kitchen I cook up Pad Thai Noodles with Mushrooms, Carrots, and Green Onions. Darren takes over the making of the spicy peanut sauce from scratch. Enjoying our meals together while Josh enjoys his Trader Joe's pizza. Sophie roams about hopping from lap to lap.

Upstairs in my room Ana and I rehearse songs together. Meanwhile, the snow sheds a white blanket across the city. We can hear the steady wind howl through the trees.

Downstairs, there's a quick fight between Darren and Kevin. Apparently, when a bunch of us went out to frolic in the snow Kevin grabbed Darren's expensive slippers and got them soaked. Darren, already a little irritated about other things, flips out on Kevin's incompetence and wallops him across the face with the shoe, then a few punches fly. Kevin's glasses snap and a lens gets lost. Later on, Darren apologizes and I help glue Kevin's glasses back together.

Sipping on some wine.

---

[i] Images by me.

Monday January 20 2014

[i]

Waking up at 1:14 p.m.

Grapefruit. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Errands.

Kale Arugula Tomato Salad with Balsamic Honey Dressing, Almonds, and Cranberries. Roasted Tomato Bread. Maple Leaf Cookies. Honey Black Tea.

Watching The Patriot (2000).

Ana and I go to the neighborhood gym, The Escape. Running the treadmill and lifting weights. Side by side doing sets. The fact that she doesn't like to be told what to do comes out a little bit but in a fun way.

Back at the house. I cook some Red Snapper Fillets with Rice. Darren made a Butternut Squash Soup from scratch. Ana and I enjoy dinner together at the table. Later, Will comes over. It's supposed to be Movie Monday night. Stephanie isn't attending because she's in the process of moving out. But that's a whole other story.

Putting on Charlie Countryman (2013), starring a more mature Shia LeBeouf. Darren lies on the yellow couch snuggled up with Sophie. Will, Ana, and I take the red leather couch. I'll quote a Rotten Tomatoes critic about the film: this "movie zigzags drunkenly between action-adventure and surreal comedy with some magical realism slopped over it like ketchup." Even thought the critic gave it a splat review I enjoyed the movie's mixture of genres. Charming and emotional.

In my room Ana lies on the bed wrapped up in her thick white jacket. I try to instigate a practice of the songs we sing together but her lack of enthusiasm is too apparent. This confuses me because we had already planned to do this at some point tonight as we're supposed to perform at the 1435 house show this Wednesday. Something's wrong with her and even though she's transparent I can't decipher the real issue. I know she's been dealing with a lot on her plate this month, e.g. quitting her job and getting a new one, seeing the doctor and acclimating to this hormonal medicine with multiple side effects, stress in our social circle. I understand and know all these things but she's still unwilling to really discuss them with me unless I pull it out of her. The biggest reason why she's apprehensive to sing with me on Wednesday has to do with physical appearance. The medicine is sort of draining her overall confidence. In my opinion I think she shouldn't be taking it. Antibiotics screw up the immune system and all that. I express my frustrations about her unwillingness to tell me what's on her mind. I know she understands where I'm coming from but it's hard for her to reveal that first light. Things get a little emotional as she stays curled up under the bookshelf, "Ana's Corner" as we adoringly established long ago. I comfort her with my arms. We stand up. She leans into my chest, which feels firm after the workout earlier.

I start swaying us and ask nonchalantly, "You wanna dance?"

She giggles. We slowly move left to right in the middle of my bedroom to no music or melody, like the rocking of a child in her mother's arms. She opens up and apologizes for closing up.

...

We migrate to the bed.

"Alright turn over," I tell her.

I thought massaging her back would help alleviate the stress. I glide my fingertips along her bareback and squeeze her neck and shoulders. After a good while of this it turns into sex. God knows this alleviates the stress also. We're comfortable now.

---

[i] Charlie Countryman Still.

Sunday January 19 2014

[i]

Waking up at 11:15 a.m. to a wonderful breakfast bowl made with love by Ana filled with Granola, Strawberries, Bananas, and Acai Berry Almond Blend.

All day shift at China Wok.

It's a steady afternoon for deliveries.

A girl calls to place an order. After I write everything down she hands the phone over to her boyfriend to pay for the food. Both of them sound super baked.

"I'm gonna marry this woman," he explains.

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Boyfriend: "How much is it—you know what? I don't even care how much it is cause I'm gonna marry this woman."

Delivering an order to a storage unit facility. A rugged black man wearing a mechanic's suit meets me at the front gate. He's got a cigarette in his hand. I'm given exact change. He apologizes for not tipping, "Sorry, I'm broke."

I just smile crookedly and say, "Alright," in response. I bicker about it in my head as I drive off. God, that excuse gets so old! Why are you even ordering food like this if you're so broke? If you're really scraping for pennies go to Kroger and stock up on Ramen! Saying I'm broke is such a lame copout. 

Because of how busy it is I don't have time to stop home for lunch. But Ana arrives for a visit with treats. She joins me on a few deliveries.

I complain about how hungry I am.

Concerned she says, "Oh, well I could've brought something from the house for you."

Me: "Yeah but there's nothing really there and there's no time to prepare anything. It's okay. I'm going to Bojangles!"

[Ha-ha-ha]

I pick up an Egg and Cheese Biscuit from Bojangles. I can't even remember the last time I had one of these tasty greasy things.

Me: "I wonder how many other people eat in the car like me."

Salt n Vinegar Chips and a fancy Ginger Ale Soda compliments of Skipp, our food fairy.

...

I notice what happens whenever Ana, or anyone, visits me at work, "Part of me doesn't like you visiting because you have to see this bitter side to me. I feel like I'm always complaining and venting to you about my work problems."

...

On some of the long drives we listen to a Radiolab podcast about quicksand.

The night continues in an autopilot fashion. Not accumulating as much tips as I'd like. People just aren't as generous today. We've got a new part time driver. He says he's originally from Afghanistan and knows four languages. He seems intuitive and chill. Worked at Bella Pizza before here. Ling says business is supposed to be booming in February so I guess that's the reason they hired him.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies.

Off work and back home.

Fried Shrimp with Garlic Sauce, Broccoli, Onions, Carrots, and Rice.

Watching The Patriot (2000).

Downstairs, a debate gets fired up on the role of police enforcement in society. Darren, sick as a dog and coughing every minute, still manages to take the reigns over the argument. Kevin thinks we need order and without the police there would be chaos. Darren thinks without cops people would link up and defend their own communities as vigilante types and so chaos would be controlled.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.

Saturday January 18 2014

[i]

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Just another day on the job.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Black Tea. Maple Leaf Cookies.

Delivering on autopilot listening to talk radio. I downloaded one podcast in particular about Henrietta Lacks, a woman in the 50's that got struck with a cancerous tumor. After she died her skin cells were saved and multiplied for scientists to eventually make some of the most important discoveries, like developing the polio vaccine, cloning, gene mapping, in vitro fertilization, etc. The story is just incredible.

Apple. Fiberful Chocolate Peanut Butter and Oats Bar.

The orders keep coming one at a time. It's a very busy dinner rush with not only Kevin helping, but also Ming and Cecily.

After a demanding 11.5 hours I finally get off work.

Bok Choy, Tofu, Mushroom, Celery, and Rice Soup.

Ana brought over her laptop to use while I settle in and clean up. Speaking of laptops, Kevin just bought one today. I spot him on the couch using it to watch Netflix.

Darren just got back from a Craigslist sex meet-up with a couple that lives on the south end. They wanted him to be a part of a threesome for just enough time to ejaculate and then leave. He doesn't seem very enthused about the experience.

"I just felt dirty," he says disappointingly.

He vows to not use Craigslist for a long time. He admits that he was only attempting to fill a void created from being lonely and heartbroken. We think this may be a defining moment for Darren.

When giving her a hard time about her olden HP laptop taking 5 minutes to start up she responds with, "I do what I can with what I have."

Me: "That's a good quote."

Sleep 3:30

---

[i] Another World of Bengal.

Friday January 17 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

With two friends of mine locked inside a large containment facility big enough for very small apartments but enclosed from the outside. We've been put here as punishment or maybe we're hostages. This place was built with limited doors and exits. We discover two guys brewing moonshine behind a few windows. After seeing us they don't seem pleased that we know about their operation. My friends and I are careful not to disturb them further. It's understood the authorities have been notified and they're here to save us. I locate a pressure sealed hatch door and open it up. Outside there's a news camera crew taking pictures and asking me questions. I manage to get away from all the commotion. There's a scramble. And now my prerogative is to avoid the moonshine men who seem to be dead set on finding me now. I run all over the place and eventually end up inside a three-story mall shuffling up and down stairwells and hiding on elevators. The situation is stressful and it never ends...

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Popped Potato Chips. Honey Black Tea. Maple Leaf Cookies.

It's a crescendo kind of day for deliveries.

Apple. Fiberful Chocolate Peanut Butter and Oats Bar.

I'm in a daze driving around town going from one address to another. Keeping my brain engaged with talk radio.

Off work and back home.

Fried Chicken with Garlic Sauce, Broccoli, Onions, Carrots, and Rice.

Watching Captain Phillips (2013).

Nothing unusual going on downstairs, just Darren gulping down his vodka and riling up the atmosphere with his demanding sarcastic demeanor, except he asks for a hug. We lock arms. He's depressed about the love of his life again.

Darren: "Nobody loves me, Robert!"

Me: "That's not true. A lot of people love you."

Sleep 3 a.m.

---

[i] M-A Photography.

Thursday January 16 2014

[i]

Throughout the night I find it difficult to get deep sleep. Every time there's body movement I get jolted out of my sleep thoughts and I'm back to square one. Eventually we awaken collectively late in the afternoon at 1:43 p.m.

Sharing breakfast downstairs: Grapefruit. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

She makes up the bed as she always feels it is her duty to do so. I jump in to distract her with my affection. It's been a while since we've had sex and this is the perfect time to break that streak.

Day trip to the American Asian Market off Great Neck. She's never been there. Despite how cold it is in the store we browse through the aisles pointing out all the interesting and unconventional items. There always seems to be a taro root flavor option for anything.

[ii]

Across the street we sit down at Brothers Pizza for a few slices. She snacks on these Panda chocolate crackers and says, "Whenever I eat chocolate it just makes me so happy. It's like a relief."

...

In the car on the way home we both place our shivering hands underneath our legs.

"Where the true warmth is," she says.

Me: "I feel like you could write a book one day called, Where the True Warmth Is."

At the Rec Center for organized basketball. I get put on the wait list for the third time in a row! It's unbelievable. But it's not really a big deal cause I take advantage of the time to work out in the weight room and eventually after about the third or fourth game I get called onto a team.

...

On the rest time a talkative older guy (39 years old) I see here often approaches me and says, "Hey! I've been praying for ya."

Me: "Thanks, man."

Guy: "Really though this year is gonna be good for you."

He mentions how the age of 30 is a magical time when everything unravels for you.

Back home.

A hefty Kale Salad with Tomatoes, Almonds, Dried Cranberries, Cilantro, and Green Onions. English Muffin with Vegan Cream Cheese. Red Bean Bun.

Watching Captain Phillips (2013).

Ana texts me, "I'm really happy we spent the day together. Thank you for sharing your games, your bed, your food, your warmth, and time with me. I know that I distance myself from you, and I'm really sorry for that. All you have been is such an amazing, caring, and giving person that I don't ever want to lose. I know I have to make sure I keep you because you are a keeper! I feel like I don't appreciate you enough like I want to. I want to grow as a person, and I want to grow with you too. I do want this relationship to progress."

She adds, "Sex with you is like eating all of my favorite chocolates."

Maple Leaf Cookies and Coffee.

Learning songs on the guitar.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] From Female Fatal. 
[ii] Images by me.

Wednesday January 15 2014

[i]

Waking up at 12:43 p.m. but for some reason I just fall back to sleep even though I could've gotten up easily. Reawakening at 1:30 p.m.

Strawberry Almond Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Errands.

Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin with Vegan Cream Cheese. Grapefruit. Popped Potato Chips. White Peach Tea. Maple Leaf Cookies.

I head to the gym to work out and run a few miles on the treadmill. It's exhilarating. I'm scheduled to help out with the dinner shift at China Wok. After arriving at the restaurant I see that it's been dead all day. I leave and tell my bosses to just call me if it gets busy. With the extra time on hand I go to the Rec Center to shoot some basketball. Kicking ass in a few pick-up games. 

Back home. I fry up some Cod Fillets, steam some Vegetables, warm up some Wild Rice for dinner. Ana arrives just on time. I set up everything for us – Darren joins us at the table. 

"It's a fish fry!"

Darren has successfully scored a new job at Whole Foods. He describes the in-person interview as him just bullshitting his way through. It doesn't feel right for him that he had to act like a person that he wasn't, essentially not being himself.

Darren: "I walked outta there and just cried and cried and called my mom."

Ana: "What?"

Darren: "No one understands."

...

Darren: "Apparently to be a cashier at fucking Whole Foods you have to have a master's in cashiering. You have to sit there and play Tetris for 45 minutes and you can't make one mistake so that they know you're able to stack the rich people's groceries. You have to be able to judge people based on their affluence at a whim; you have to know what strata they're in that way you can kiss the appropriate finger on their hand so that you're not reprimanded." 

...

Darren: "I feel like I'm just gonna be homeless. I feel like I just don't even care anymore. I want to be homeless. I don't want to be a part of this society. And I certainly don't want to be a part of a group of fucking people that are just like, Well, that's the way it is! Shucks! It's fucking depressing."

...

Ana: "I feel like I'm better off just being quiet and doing my job."

Darren: "Yeah sometimes I'm okay with that. Sometimes I just feel like I get into this like really fake mode and the constant blabbering to people makes me wanna kill myself."

I decide to let out Sophie to offer the ultimate distraction from the serious discussions

downstairs.

I announce, "Here she comes to save the day!"

Almost immediately I hear Darren start baby talking at the dog in the most ridiculous way.

Upstairs in the bedroom with Ana. She feels bloated after eating all that food. We lounge in the bed with the twin mattress propped up behind us as makeshift theater seating. I put on Revolutionary Road (2008), a tense drama I watched many years ago. Afterwards, I don't know where I get the idea from but I pull all these old handheld game consoles from the late 70's and 80's that I've had since I was a kid, most of them came from my step-dad. Galaxy II. Merlin. Donkey Kong 3. Pocket Simon. I load them up with batteries and we entertain ourselves for a little while.

Sharing a Chocolate PB&J Bar.

It's almost 4 in the morning and all is quiet in the upper half of the house except downstairs the hollering and outbursts from drunken Darren and Josh echo through the walls – the house that never sleeps.

---

[i] Galaxy 2 Handheld Game circa 1981.

Tuesday January 14 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

A beautiful abandoned urban place by the beach inhabited by orphaned children becomes a prime location for photos. I heard about it through a photographer friend of mine. I arrive on the scene and witness the photographic moments – a roughed up kid slouched inside a shopping cart – a boy tossing a partially deflated basketball into a net-less hoop. 

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up around 1 p.m.

Blueberry Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Cantaloupe. Orange Juice.

I scheduled a massage session with Leisa over at her apartment. This will be my first professional massage. To the sound of an ambient CD she rubs and kneads my neck, back, and legs. The strong scent of lavender oils fills my nostrils. I feel relaxed and sedated. This is definitely something I'd like to do at least once a month.

Assorted Sushi. Kale Salad with Tomatoes and Dried Cranberries. Honey Green Tea.

Watching Wish You Were Here (2012).

Catching up on writing.

Working an hour or so at China Wok making easy money.

Fiberful Peanut Butter Chocolate Granola Bar.

Practicing finger picking on the guitar.

Cabbage & Potato Skillet with Black Beans and Peppercorn Bread.

Finishing the movie.

General chores.

Papaya.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Wish You Were Here still.

Monday January 13 2014

[i]

Waking up at 11:45 a.m.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Catching up on writing.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Popped Potato Chips. Orange Juice.

At the Rec Center working out and shooting hoops.

Working an hour and a half at China Wok making easy money.

Almonds, Cashews, and Dried Cranberries.

Back home. Stephanie, Will, and Ken are gathered around the table doing a timed free-write to the sound of ambient music while I cook dinner for myself and prepare banana bread.

Wild Rice with Carrots, Kale, and Mushrooms.

Sophie has formed an endearing relationship with Darren. I find the two of them lying on the leather couch with Darren's arm curled up around the dog. Leisa helps hold up a light from Darren's phone to get the proper lighting for a photo.

Ana shows up a little later. She seems very somber and unaffected. It could be Aunt Flow but also I understand there's the weight of change upon her with looking for a new job and all. I don't like to see her like this. I prefer it when she's perky and smiling. At any rate they put on Her (2014), the new one with Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson's voice. I've wanted to watch this movie for a while but it just came out in theaters and the only downloaded file you can find on the Internet is a screening copy, which isn't the best quality. I would just rather wait till the DVD release. So I take advantage of the time and learn guitar-fingerpicking techniques.

...

Eventually, James arrives and corrals us all to Rick's Café. Kevin is present and so that means he'll be getting a hard time from all of us. Stef is adamant about drawing out plans to get him a girlfriend.

"If Kevin and Sandra Bullock had a baby it would look like a hairy jelly bean."  

...

Kevin attempts to explain his own predicament, "My parents always told me growing up that I need to learn to think before I speak..."

The whole table bursts out in laughter.

He continues, "...Or else you'll get into trouble."

...

An on-going joke at the house is that Stephanie is staging a coup against my reign over the house, which is adoringly called Robertocracy. James doodles a little anti-Robertocracy poster on a napkin, the Steftatorship campaign.

[ii]

Back home. Settling in with Ana in bed. Meanwhile, there's drunken commotion downstairs between Josh and Darren. This has become a regular thing for them almost every single night to drink hard liquor and screaming and yelling and playing loud music. Even Kevin expressed his agitation over it surprisingly.

Sleep at some late hour.

---

[i] Images by me. 
[ii] Image by James.

Sunday January 12 2014

[i]

Ana and I wake up slowly at 11:15 a.m.

Grapefruit. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Banana.

Before Ana heads back to Norfolk she stops by for a visit. She always proves to be great company, making me smile every damn second.

She has a fear though, "I just don't want you to get sick of me."

Me: "Oh no. Don't worry. I could never get sick of you."

White Peach Tea and Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup. They really loaded up my bag this time. Later I feel bloated. I knew there was a reason I stopped eating these things. But I also know there's a reason I started eating them.

The day flows by delivery after delivery. Keeping my ears occupied with downloaded Radiolab podcasts.

Honey Crisp Apple.

Off work and back home.

Egg Drop Soup with Broccoli, Snow Peas, and Rice.

Watching The Beach (2000).

Enjoying the resting period in the house tonight – low-key – relaxing.

Sleep around 3 a.m.

---

[i] Blowfish. Source unknown.

Saturday January 11 2014

[i]

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Banana.

Just another day on the job – bagging the fried noodles, restocking the counter, prepping takeout bags, etc.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Lentil Chips. Honey Black Tea.

Enriching myself with recently downloaded podcasts from This American Life and Radiolab about a frozen body found perfectly in tact in the Alps that's over 5,000 years old and an interesting research into whether or not pig rectum is being used as imitation calamari.

PB&J Chocolate Bar.

At the restaurant after returning from a delivery I watch Janice beg Cecily to jump rope with her, as far as I can figure. But her mom is unamused and doesn't want to be disturbed. Janice begins to whine and bursts out in shocking tears after her mother reprimands her and slaps her. The phone rings and I answer but I can barely hear the customer on the other line because of the little girl's screams. I have never heard before such deafening cries come from a child. Cecily starts yelling ferociously at Janice to shut up. It appears to be borderline abuse. This is no place for a child where work stress intertwines with family relationships.

Honey Crisp Apple.

After 8 o'clock I'm waiting at the intersection of First Colonial and Laskin when I hear an alarming melodic sound. I look over and there's a trumpet player on the corner blowing out familiar pop tunes. It's probably the most appropriate instrument you can play on this street because the volume supercedes the sound of cars rushing by. It's not like he can collect any kind of tip so it would seem he's doing it for his own enjoyment and to brighten everyone's evening from the drizzly windy weather.

Trumpet Player on Laskin (Jan 11 2014)

Fried Chicken with Broccoli, Onions, Carrots, Garlic Sauce, and Rice.

Off work and back home. Stephanie and Ana are throwing a 2014 Kickoff Panda Party, which was supposed to be in honor of Amanda Paramore but she is absent. I don't spend much time downstairs mingling. I'd rather decompress in my room.

...

At some point Darren enters my room seeking solace and quiet. He sits down in the corner by the book shelves where Ana normally sits and talks about the question marks bouncing around in his mind.

I offer Ana my assistance in the kitchen for her Cranberry White Chocolate Chip Cookies. The first batch comes out a little wet. Adding a little flour to the next batch makes it better. A few new faces appear, some old friends of Ana's and other people from around town. I sip on a Hard Cider and chitchat with the crowd.

I'm terribly tired. I resign in my room despite the lingering commotion downstairs. Turning the lights off and turning up the speakers to nostalgic bedtime music, the purpose being to overpower the noise outside the room so I can relax. Eventually, Ana joins me under the covers.

---

[i] Illustration by Steve Dressler.

Friday January 10 2014

[i]

Waking up around 1:30 p.m.

Grapefruit. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Watching basketball.

Making Cabbage & Potato Skillet while Darren figures out the most complicated way to brew tea.

Cabbage, Potatoes, and Onions. Maple Leaf Cookies. Lemon English Breakfast Tea.

Cleaning.

Watching basketball.

Working one hour at China Wok. It's pretty slow for a Friday night.

Catching up on writing.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Lentil Chips. Orange Juice.

Carpool to Norfolk. I drive Darren, Leisa, and Josh to The Iguana for Shake!, a monthly 60's revivalist night where they spin vinyl of the Soul-Mod-Britpop-Garage-Motown genres. Most of our other friends are here, James, Will, Sasha, Ana, Jes, and AJ. Gulping down two $3 Rolling Rocks and cutting a rug on the dance floor. Ana and I share a few moments of twirling each other around and syncing up a "trust dip" as she calls it. I like to observe her dance; she moves with such fervor and energy, the way I like to dance and see others dance.

After 2 a.m. they kick us all out. I turn to Ana and say, "You were the sexiest dancer here."

Doubtful she responds, "You're just saying that."

Me: "I don't just say things! It's true."

Back home. Settling down, hoping my hearing will regain its abilities again. Wearing earplugs would've made a difference.

---

[i] Images by me.

Thursday January 9 2014

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

Feeding bits of scrambled egg to a red cardinal.

▬ ○ ☼

Around 10:30 a.m. Ana and I wake up to the wild sounds of birds chirping just outside the open window. This might explain the bird dream. Ana seems a little discontent about something. She has a doctor's appointment at 12:45 but she decides she wants to leave early. I continue lying in bed questioning her actions.

Me: "What's going on with you? What's wrong?"

Of course every answer to my questions is "nothing". I threaten to plop her with my pillow every time she says that word. It's semi-playful but I do genuinely want her to open up and be assertive. She recognizes the lack thereof. She sits down over in my computer chair and pulls out a note card. She draws an "I'm Sorry" note with a heart on it while I observe her through the reflection of the neoclassical picture against the wall.

She mentions that she was reading Helen Keller the other day, a segment about how sometimes life is a struggle and we make it a struggle. When it comes down to it she feels like she creates problems when there isn't any.

She wraps herself around me and plants small kisses on my cheeks and neck. Before she exits the room I quote Gomez Addams, "I would die for you. I would kill for you! Either way, what bliss."

I could go back to sleep but I decide to take advantage of the few extra hours I've been granted and get out of bed.

Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats.

Catching up on writing.

Kale Salad with Almonds and Craisins. Popped Potato Chips. Coffee.

At the Rec Center for adult basketball. I get put on the wait list just like last time. What misfortune. I use the time waiting for a spot to pump some iron in the weight room. An hour later I get called into the games. Every few minutes you can hear "And one!" echo throughout the gymnasium. Massive amounts of testosterone and egos keep the momentum of the game going – everyone fighting over "the rock". Overall I feel satisfied with my moves – even one of my guys pays notice – mainly as a defender. The last two games conclude as a dramatic tie.

Back home. Josh and Darren seem bored as they're just sitting around the table drinking cranberry vodka drinks and belching out songs.

Garlic Barbecue Salmon with Baby Broccoli, Carrots, Mushrooms, Onions, and Noodles.

Watching Riddick (2013).

Apple Pie.

Downstairs I run into Darren and Josh getting even more drunk. Josh comes up with the bright idea to slide down the stairs on a keyboard – the funniest thing ever...

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.

Wednesday January 8 2014

[i]

Waking up around 1 p.m.

Grapefruit Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Cleaning. Organizing.

Kale Salad with Almonds and Cranberries. Croissant. Honey Black Tea.

Finishing Clockers (1995).

Playing basketball at the Rec Center.

Apple.

Back home. Preparing Spaghetti with Mushrooms, Green Peppers, Onions, and Garlic Bread. Enjoying dinner with Darren and Ana at the table. Talking about the difficult time Darren and Ana are having looking for a new job. Some of the ads on Craigslist are bonkers. As Darren points out, "Some of these jobs they're like...we need you to have a graduate degree and ten years experience in the field and you have to already show us your bank account, all your personal information. We need access to your Facebook. We wanna be able to monitor your entire life. We need you to be able to drop all of your plans in a split second and work for us whenever we tell you to. [slams his hand on the table] $8.00 an hour."  

As the conversation gets deeper into the imbalance in the work force and then on to healthcare and blah blah blah the frustration escalates.

Darren: "How is it that just so many people are just so complacent? How is it that there are not more people like me that are just ready to just fucking gun down a police station and start the world over! I mean, how is it that no one out there—"

Me: "There are! There are, dude. There really are. You can tell because if you get on the Internet and you read all these articles and blogs and conversations on Facebook there's a lot of unrest. The problem is about 80 percent of those people aren't being active about it; they're just complaining."

...

Darren continues, "What I think is wrong in this country too is it used to be, the saying was: it took a village to raise a child. And that was because you as the parent, you had to accept the fact that the wider community knew more about raising a healthy individual...and bringing a healthy individual into the community, because eventually you have to let your little shit-kid go into society but what really happened was in the 70's and the 80's we developed the word: self-esteem. And now teachers aren't even allowed to write in red ink because that could hurt the child's feelings. And parents are so fucking insane and every single mother in the world is like, I have shat out this cunt baby and now it's mine! All mine! The idea that a mother is allowed to decide whether or not her baby can be vaccinated is absolute fucking insanity to me...

I Would Never Eat a Gluten! (Darren mocks mothers)(Jan 8 2014)

...And you know what the sad thing is too all of this stuff is combined with the fact that generally in society you're not allowed to just tell someone that they're a fucking idiot and that they're doing something wrong. And if we had more people that were willing to do that maybe we wouldn't have so many problems."        

...

Eventually, Josh enters the picture. Sophie provides adorable entertainment making her rounds hopping in different people's laps and howling into the night.

I fiddle on the guitar and come up with a makeshift blues progression that turns into a comedy hour. Darren begs me to play this Musicplayer song and won't stop building me up with compliments and words of encouragement about how I shouldn't waste anymore time and record these songs. He's right. And I always come back to music. It's the craft I know I'm sharpest at. And I should focus all my energy into elevating it. Ana and I sing a few of our songs too. We've spent hours and hours in the dining room hanging out and having a good time. Eventually, Ana and I retreat to the bedroom and settle down.

---

[i] Images by me.

Tuesday January 7 2014

[i]

I wake up at 7:08 a.m. to take a leak. I show Ana the time. She has to get up for work. After she gets out of bed and dresses I complain, "It's colder now that you're gone." She makes sure to give me a kiss before she leaves. Back to sleep...

☼ ○ ▬

A murder-mystery story unfolds about a man with a mental disability who is a major suspect in a case involving two missing little girls. Someone who is understood to be my brother is by my side as we investigate the case. We visit the mother of the little girls who happens to be a good friend of ours. It's apparent on her face that she's keeping secrets. It's been a few weeks now and we haven't been able to uncover any clue. I approach her in anger, shaking her uncomfortably to get the truth out. All of a sudden she pulls out a key that when assembled in a special way reveals the truth. She explains that the man gave her this key and said that it would open a box that holds the answer to all her problems. The man left her alone and when she opened it up the man pops out of the box like a magician, the idea being he was the answer to all her problems, that he was "the one". A few nights later the girls disappeared. I apologize for scaring her and reassure her, "Sorry, I only want to be encouraging to you. I'm sorry. We're gonna find them." I realize that this mentally disabled man has a Jesus Complex.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 12:53 p.m.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

Catching up on writing.

Egg Sandwich with Mayo and Tomato. Popped Potato Chips. Honey Black Tea. Maple Leaf Cookies.

At the Rec Center shooting hoops and working out.

Putting in a few hours at China Wok. Had to cover for Kevin since his car is in the shop. It's a chilling 20 degrees outside. Terms like "polar vortex" and "thunder snow" are all over the news.

Apple.

I've brought home a new plant for my room: a Golden Pothos. Formaldehyde in the air is of no concern now.

Downstairs, before I have the chance to prepare dinner, I witness Josh turn into a destructive force. The monk gravity bong is in pieces on the floor along with all the dirty ash water. He keeps slinging mugs and glasses all over the place. He's not only drunk off wine but also obviously hopped on some kind of pills (who knows what). For me it's stressful to be around such a chaotic spirit. He does this every now and then. Darren isn't doing anything about it except sitting there and laughing his head off, which is probably only encouraging Josh. I threaten Josh, "If you continue to break stuff I'm going to hurt you." He doesn't stop. I pick up a few apples on the floor and slam them at his chest whilst mocking, "Oh yeah! It's fun to break stuff and throw things at people!" I take hold of his body and drag him up the stairs and into his room. Kevin offers assistance.

Roughy Fish with Oyster Sauce, Soy Sauce, Ginger, Garlic, and Lemon. Baby Broccoli, Carrots, and Onions. Brown Rice.

Watching Clockers (1995).

Apple Pie.

I organize all the China Wok tickets I saved over the years and show Darren and Kevin downstairs. We look through a stack and share delivery driver brotherly amusement over the recognizable addresses we delivered to thousands of times.

Kevin: "Oh I know this guy! 1248 Old Clubhouse Road! He's got that huge stack of Hardee's cups on his front porch and he always tips six dollars."

Coconut Water.

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] LaCie USB Keys.

Monday January 6 2014

*

Waking up at 10:40 a.m.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk.

All day shift at China Wok.

Hard Boiled Egg. Everything Pretzel Thins. Honey Black Tea.

Arlene and Bertha Miller, the old ladies over at Cape Henry Towers off Shore Drive, call to place an order and a request for groceries. I stop by Food Lion to pick up their stuff and discover the employee that was supposed to gather all the items didn't have time to do it until I arrived causing the whole errand to take me at least twenty minutes longer. Of course this sets me back and I get a call from Cecily wondering what's taking so much time. Oh the sacrifices I make for these lovely ladies.

Maple Leaf Cookies.

Cecily made some special cold wraps in the back, something like a spring roll but with bean sprouts and meats inside. One of the girls hands me one to eat.

It's a cold and dreary Monday. I find myself on autopilot half the time – just driving and driving and driving – listening to music and any other radio shows that seem interesting enough to entertain me.

Finally off work.

Back at the house it's Movie Monday. We're showing Frances Ha (2012). I chow down on Broccoli, Snow Peas, Carrots, and Rice. People fill the living room while Ana bakes White Mango Strawberry Cupcakes from scratch. I assist with the cleaning. The cupcakes came out perfectly. Everybody indulges.

†

†

†

Later in the night Darren gets off the phone with "the one" and seems to transform from a jolly pessimistic to an emotional wreck. While I repair the TV tower I witness him plop on the couch and continuously pour glasses of vodka drinks in between sobs and sniffles. At some point we manage to get hugs out of him. Kevin offers the first. They slap each other on the back with their drinks in hand.

Me: "Now that's emotion right there!"

Will points out that hugging Darren right now is like hugging a grizzly bear; it's dangerous. Then, Kevin moves along and makes sure everyone else gets a hug.

Upstairs in the bedroom recapping events of the night with Ana. We curl up and interlock underneath the sheets. It's so warm and comfortable next to her.

Sleep around 3 a.m.

---

* Images by me.
† Images by Stephanie.

Sunday January 5 2014

[i]

Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond Milk. Clementine.

All day shift at China Wok.

Banana.

Just another day on the job, a busy weekend shift.

Leftover Pad Thai Noodles. Maple Leaf Cookies. Honey Black Tea.

In the restaurant kitchen I see Ling whip out a de-feathered chicken on the cutting board. It's black in color. I ask Cecily, "Why is the chicken black?" Ming says something in Mandarin and everyone laughs.

Popped Potato Chips. Apple.

Ana shows up around 9 and tags along on deliveries. We discuss food and how important it is to eat right. I joke around and ask, "So when are you cutting your hair?" But she's seriously considering it, I guess per our conversation the other night about change. Her long heavy hair is symbolic of all the burdens in her life; all her fears and insecurities embedded in that beautiful black sea swaying to and fro on her head.

Back home. Ana and I join Darren and James at the table. We enjoy our Tofu meals, mine with Garlic Sauce and Vegetables, hers with orange sauce and vegetables. James is sipping on a bottle of white wine with a content face. I mention Darren's depressive fiasco last night and we venture into what caused the episode. It all boils down to one girl that he's in love with, that he's been in love with for a long time, "the one".

...

Darren: "I was thinking about her. All. DAY. LONG."

Ana: "Why?"

Darren: "Because she is the only person in the world that MATTERS to me! Jeeezus! Can't you see I'm fucking in love with her? And she doesn't love me back!"

...

Darren: "People don't have to settle for bullshit. And that is what I'm quickly learning."

...

Ana: "Maybe if you cry then maybe you'll feel better."

Darren: "I've been crying for years. It doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me feel worse."

Ana: "Well then maybe you should do something different."

Darren: "I do! I masturbate. I do drugs. I sleep with random women."

[Ha-ha-ha]

Cherry Pie.

Richie and some other people show up. From upstairs I can hear James hollering and singing Weezer songs at the top of his lungs.

I strap on my running shoes and go for a jog into the freshly fallen rain air. It's exhilarating. Meanwhile, Ana conducts some cathartic singing with Darren on the guitar. After listening I joke about how they should call their duo: You, Me, and the Sea.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

---

[i] Image by me.